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I echo the sentiments of those who have said to only contribute an amount you can comfortably afford and then let one of the sisters plan it. If you and your wife plan it you'll get stuck with the whole bill. This will force the sisters to come up with a cheaper solution and/or find the rest of the needed money in their budget/credit cards.
You need to be the voice of reason in all this wailing and wringing of hands. Your wife is being emotionally manipulated and can't think clearly. Do her a favor and be strong by making the decision on her behalf.
My parents were the definition of the working poor, living paycheck to paycheck, and I was their only child. When my dad died, my mom made all the funeral arrangements and it cost $5K. He was in the military, so he had a free burial thru the VA. The money went for the casket, flowers, funeral home, and a simple buffet meal for 100 people at the parish hall of their church. He had a "proper" burial with all the ceremony of a beloved person; he would have rolled over in his grave if we spent any more than we did. In fact, he wanted to be cremated so it wouldn't cost as much, but my mom wanted him to have a full burial. I contributed to his funeral, even though my mom didn't expect it or ask for it. Although my husband and I were doing better than my parents financially, we couldn't afford to pay for the whole funeral. I asked my husband what he wanted to contribute and he came up with $2500, which was the same figure I had in my mind at the time. I told my mom she cold use the money however she wanted, on the funeral, for her bills, or for whatever, and I never expected to be paid back. But she did pay us back in full 2 years later when she sold their house. And I had a very close and loving relationship with my parents.
Don't cave in to the pressure of your wife or her ridiculous money grubbing relatives. As a retired couple, you need to protect the funds you've wisely set aside for your retirement years, medical care, and your own burial. Take yourselves out of the middle of this mess, offer a sum you can afford (to be paid directly to the funeral home just to be safe) and let one of the money grubbing sisters plan it. Don't let your wife go to the funeral home to help plan the funeral, and for goodness sake don't sign any contracts! Your wife may just be waiting for you to put your foot down so she doesn't have to be the bad guy. Be the strong person your wife needs you to be and take the heat off of her shoulders with the relatives by stepping in and dealing with them directly. Of course, it goes without saying that your wife needs to be fully on board with this plan for it to work, or the two of you may be at odds with each other.
I'm sorry you both have to deal with the complicated emotional situation of her father's death, as well as the awful pressure her family is putting on you both at such a difficult time. I wish you the best of luck with your decision.
Excellent advice, although I would disagree with the last sentence bolded. OP's wife may be too emotional right now to make the decision that is actually best for THEM as a couple. Even if OP's wife is not fully on board right now, I feel absolutely confident in saying there is NO WAY this couple should pay a huge amount for this funeral, and certainly not a penny more than the other siblings are willing to pay. OP, if you give in to the family's demands, you may resent it for the rest of your life. The money you have saved is for YOUR retirement, and eventually for your own funeral expenses so this ugly situation doesn't happen to your own children down the road.
Lost in the discussion so far is the demand by my wife's mother that we cover the cost of the missing Social Security check now that her husband is gone. I was told that he (the deceased) got a check of about $1500 a month and his wife got half of his check because she was mostly a housewife and mother and did not work much outside the home. (So getting half of his SS check was the best choice.) So they got about $2250 in SS combined. Now she will start getting his SS amount (about $1500) but as a household they will now be short about $750 because there will be only one check, not two.
They stopped paying for the term life insurance a few years ago.
There is already a reverse mortgage on the house.
The most of other sisters are all working for under $10 an hour, so live paycheck to paycheck, so can't help. Another does not work at all.
So, they say it is our responsibility to pay for both the funeral related costs and send her a check for $750 a month from today forward.
Last edited by Curious Investor; 01-23-2017 at 07:37 AM..
But yeah - if it means so much to them, let them take out a loan or put it on a credit card. If he is so deserving of this massive event, let them find a way to pay for it themselves. If your wife was not in a position to pay for it, they would be in the same predicament and would either make changes or take on the debt.
Again, I agree.
If MIL & FIL wanted an elaborate funeral they should have pre-paid for it or kept paying on their life insurance policies to make sure that they had enough money to pay for it.
If several of the daughter's want a "showy" funeral then they should pay for it.
Offer an amount that you and your wife feel is reasonable, whether it is $1,000 or $2,500 or whatever, and say "That is it". I would also make sure that the funeral home is either paid directly with that money or you make it very, very clear to the funeral home that is the only money that you & our wife are contributing, ever, to the funeral expenses.
Lost in the discussion so far is the demand by my wife's mother that we cover the cost of the missing Social Security check now that her husband is gone. I was told that he (the deceased) got a check of about $1500 a month and his wife got half of his check because she was mostly a housewife and mother and did not work much outside the home. (So getting half of his SS check was the best choice.) So they got about $2250 in SS combined. Now she will start getting his SS amount (about $1500) but as a household they will now be short about $750 because there will be only one check, not two.
They stopped paying for the term life insurance a few years ago.
There is already a reverse mortgage on the house.
The other sisters are all working for under $10 an hour, so live paycheck to paycheck, so can't help.
So, they say it is our responsibility to pay for both the funeral related costs and send her a check for $750 a month from today forward.
When I read comments that show that people are completely unprepared financially for when their spouse dies, and their SS or joint income goes down, I am always surprised.
Did your MIL & FIL think that they were immortal or gods that they both would live forever?
Perhaps MIL should take in a paying room mate or even two room mates. How many bedrooms in the house? I bet that there would be room for paid renters. Or MIL could move to low-income housing. Or do something else.
And, of course, her income will be lower but she will only be buying food and paying the expenses of one person not two people with that lower income, so it may work out quite well for her in the long run.
Well..
I would say: 'Poor planing on your part does not constitute and emergency on mine!'
Glad i am not in your situation. My wifes father died a few years back and there was some shenanigans going on but i kept out of it.. Let you wife decide what to do and then you support her.. Thats all you can really do.
UPDATE: The whole weekend was lots of yelling, screaming and crying between my wife's sisters and mother. They believe with all their heart and mind that we owe it to her dear departed dad to have a very nice funeral, reception and burial and as the only person who has any money in the family, we should pay. It is hard to turn down people who are crying after the death of their father. No one is thinking logically.
They look at money the same as many liberal Democrats, those that have it don't deserve it and should give it to the less fortunate. Robin Hood would be proud. No conclusion yet.
If wife has separate money from you, she can do what she wants with it to appease her sisters and mother. Whether she ultimately let's them coerce and manipulate her remains to be seen, but you shouldn't let them manipulate you because your sis-in-laws are crying (some alligator tears, no doubt) to get their way.
If "our" money is largely the money you earned, you've got to be the leader of your own fate and your own pocketbook.
1. We're not paying for an elaborate funeral.
2. We're not paying MIL's bills, just getting her into a self-supporting living arrangement, which does not necessarily include paying anything. But helping her sell up and downsize, putting house on the market, packing and moving. She may refuse this help, but let her know you stand ready to help in a practical, non-financial way and as a retiree you can't afford to do more.
Let the flipping out, yelling and crying continue. It will die down eventually from all parties. Meanwhile stick to your guns. Believe it or not, a year from now the wife may even thank you for being firm, but fair and not giving in to female histrionics.
I find this thread to be ridiculous. OP, are you and the Mrs. that weak that you're even considering caving into these demands? Your wife had a poor relationship with her parents and yet she's still considering forking over $20k to appease her siblings. Sorry, that's not how it works. Tell them NO.
I'm just curious. What does a $20.000 funeral look like? I know there is an extra charge for a family car, but that much? For the LOML's we all drove our own cars. My kids wouldn't let me drive, so I rode with my son. One of my daughters rode with us. My other daughter and her husband drove theirs. It worked out great.
In my neck of the woods, friends donate food for after everything. We were lucky enough to have a bar/restaurant where my granddaughter works donate it for us to use. He even closed the bar. So there is no need to pay for everyone to have to eat. We did go out to a sports bar after the viewing, but it was only family and each paid their own.
I can understand the mom's reactions. I'm sure she's being pushed by the other daughters, and she is very vulnerable right now. I still go with the idea of checking into senior housing. Most of them go on a sliding scale for rent, and she will have plenty of people to make friends with that are probably in the same boat. Call your area Aid to the Aging, or whatever, for help.
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