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I think we need to be judicious in our generosity. For some people, a gift from a stranger can be seen as an act of charity done out of pity. That shouldn't put a damper on doing good deeds but rather just a reminder that people are complex and what might seem as a good deed to the giver, might actually make the receiver feel bad.
Saw a woman struggling with a bunch of bags as she was walking to catch her train. I stopped and asked if she would like some help and she accepted. Walked with her as far as I could until I had to turn down a street to go to my parking garage. She asked if I could drive her the remainder of the way to her train stop and I did.
Snow every few years, friend offered to drive me to church; took 3 get.well cards to Wednesday Women's Bible study. Thought it would cheer the ones receiving the cards to see the many prayers being said for them.
I think we need to be judicious in our generosity. For some people, a gift from a stranger can be seen as an act of charity done out of pity. That shouldn't put a damper on doing good deeds but rather just a reminder that people are complex and what might seem as a good deed to the giver, might actually make the receiver feel bad.
Good point. But a gift from a complete stranger actually will have no strings attached. Most likely the giftee will never see the giftor again. But, if it's a gift to someone you may see again, perhaps it's a good idea to ask first.
Recently I was in the grocery store and the clerk was talking excitedly about going home soon and working on her sewing project. As it happened, I've been downsizing my sewing stuff and had a bag that I was getting ready for the thrift store. I asked if she would like some supplies, she happily said she would, so I brought what I had to her the next day. She seemed happy and said if she didn't use them her mother would. But of course, If she told me she didn't need anything else, I would not have given them to her.
I usually look for serendipitous things in life, so I felt like her talking about her sewing when I was in the process of thinning out sewing stuff was serendipitous. Maybe sometimes I imagine it.
In my experience, younger folks are usually receptive, which works out well, because sometimes they need a hand.. and if they experience kindnesses from others, they are more likely to extend kindnesses.
...In my experience, younger folks are usually receptive, which works out well, because sometimes they need a hand.. and if they experience kindnesses from others, they are more likely to extend kindnesses.
I think this can happen at any age. I was checking out at a grocery self serve station when I went back to get one more item. Another customer paid my $10 bill. I felt so giddy and happy.
The next day I paid it forward twice. Once to a co-worker anonymously, though I think her co-worker told her who it was that put the $10 in her pocket. And another time to a stranger at McDonald's. More recently I was at my dentist office and saw a woman sitting on the bench. I hadn't paid it for it for a while and decided to give her $10 if she'd take it. At first she acted like what? I don't need anything. I said I wanted to give it to her to pay it forward. It's just a gift I said. I said you can pay it forward- like if you want to hold the door for someone or give someone a smile- that would be great! She smiled as I left and I smiled back.I wanted her to know money was not needed in case it was not feasible for her. Now, I'm not saying I judged her to be unable to give the same as I gave her. It was just an instincts on my part as I talked with her and didn't want to make her feel bad. The fact that she smiled and looked happier told me it was all good. And I felt good to help someone without consideration for my own view of the situation.
As mentioned several people have shared it's important to be aware of the other person's feelings about the gifts that you're giving. Give them an opportunity to say yes or no. I think many people go through life without being given small gifts from people around them or tokens of friendship even from a stranger. It makes for a harsh world and if we can give to others, we can lighten someone's day.
I have been given many gifts of money when I least expected it and it made me a happier person and a more giving person too. I had a fellow student who gave me $40 when he heard I was homeless. He said he hadn't known why he took out $40 from the ATM.but now he knew.as.he gave me.the money.
I turned around and gave 20 of the money to a fellow homeless friend that I met at the Salvation Army. She had to pay a past-due utility bill before she could get a new apartment. It could go towards her utility bill or whatever she needs. I told her I was given money and wanted to share it with her. I never told my fellow student what I did and I wish I had. He made an impression on me that I wish he knew.
P.S... later.my co-worker (gave her $10) volunteered to change shifts with me so that I could have two days off in a row. I wondered why she did that unasked and then I remembered the gift I gave her.
The reason I did was she mentioned to someone else as we walked into the building that she wanted something but she had to take care of her children instead. I didn't know what she wanted for herself but I just thought she could use a small gift. I don't know where she is because I left the company shortly after this exchange but her gift is always with me.
Last edited by Wild Flower; 01-26-2024 at 08:55 PM..
Adding to my previous post: Years ago I volunteered with an organization that bought new shoes/sneakers for inner city kids. Their teachers had identified them as needing some help. Most of the younger kids were thrilled with their new shoes, but the older kids often reacted a little differently.
One young boy in particular told me he wasn't going to wear "those ugly a** shoes." The other volunteers thought he was very rude but I thought maybe that kid felt he was being judged and he resented it. Maybe, just maybe, that boy will grow up to work hard to obtain the things he wants instead of being given charity.
There are many anecdotes about how good people feel from participating in the pay it forward movement and I'm not knocking it. I'm just suggesting that when money is involved, there should be a little extra thought given to how it can be interperted by the receiver. Acts of kindness like opening doors, smiling, and just being a nice person are things many of us do automatically.
Adding to my previous post: Years ago I volunteered with an organization that bought new shoes/sneakers for inner city kids. Their teachers had identified them as needing some help. Most of the younger kids were thrilled with their new shoes, but the older kids often reacted a little differently.
One young boy in particular told me he wasn't going to wear "those ugly a** shoes."
Older kids are obsessed with being "cool" and otherwise fitting in. They may also resent what they see as the pity, condescension and/or expectations of the more privileged classes. Such a response also gives them social points for being "tough".
Quote:
Originally Posted by rfomd129
The other volunteers thought he was very rude but I thought maybe that kid felt he was being judged and he resented it. Maybe, just maybe, that boy will grow up to work hard to obtain the things he wants instead of being given charity.
The cycles of poverty and violence typical of underprivileged neighborhoods can prevent people from getting ahead no matter how hard they work. People's ambivalence about giving should IMO be less concerned with the possibility of promoting learned helplessness than with addressing the underlying causes of inequality of opportunity. Although of course that's a much more difficult question, both morally and practically.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rfomd129
There are many anecdotes about how good people feel from participating in the pay it forward movement and I'm not knocking it. I'm just suggesting that when money is involved, there should be a little extra thought given to how it can be interperted by the receiver. Acts of kindness like opening doors, smiling, and just being a nice person are things many of us do automatically.
I wish more people did them automatically AND without particular expectations or judgments. You have a point about being thoughtful / mindful and considerate but on the other hand, people aren't mind-readers either. You can't know the headspace someone is in at any given moment, what they are going through, thinking or perceiving. You can only try.
One of the bag boys (actually a guy in his late 30s or so) at my local grocer is autistic, I'm guessing level 2. I always say a warm greeting to him. Often as not he responds appreciatively and is friendly. Sometimes he is distracted and irritable and doesn't do a very good job of masking it. One time my wife was able to get him to open up about what was bothering him on a particular day, and he was simply upset and worried about a relative who was in some sort of health crisis.
The nice thing about this store is that they employ disabled persons and how customers rise to the occasion and make them feel normalized, and overlook the occasional acting out or whatever. It's a beautiful thing.
Older kids are obsessed with being "cool" and otherwise fitting in. They may also resent what they see as the pity, condescension and/or expectations of the more privileged classes. Such a response also gives them social points for being "tough".
The cycles of poverty and violence typical of underprivileged neighborhoods can prevent people from getting ahead no matter how hard they work. People's ambivalence about giving should IMO be less concerned with the possibility of promoting learned helplessness than with addressing the underlying causes of inequality of opportunity. Although of course that's a much more difficult question, both morally and practically.
I wish more people did them automatically AND without particular expectations or judgments. You have a point about being thoughtful / mindful and considerate but on the other hand, people aren't mind-readers either. You can't know the headspace someone is in at any given moment, what they are going through, thinking or perceiving. You can only try.
One of the bag boys (actually a guy in his late 30s or so) at my local grocer is autistic, I'm guessing level 2. I always say a warm greeting to him. Often as not he responds appreciatively and is friendly. Sometimes he is distracted and irritable and doesn't do a very good job of masking it. One time my wife was able to get him to open up about what was bothering him on a particular day, and he was simply upset and worried about a relative who was in some sort of health crisis.
The nice thing about this store is that they employ disabled persons and how customers rise to the occasion and make them feel normalized, and overlook the occasional acting out or whatever. It's a beautiful thing.
I knew my post was not going to be very popular but I think you got the gist of what I was saying. When I see photos of driveways being shoveled for someone who would have trouble doing it themselves followed by comments about how amazing that is, I think I must be living on another planet because that's just normal behavior to me. We help each other out and it's not anything amazing and unusual - it's just normal and part of living amongst other humans.
Kindness is given to me and by me, regularly. I've been told I'm a very cheerful person so maybe that's why it's not unusual - I really don't know. As others have mentioned, most of the posts have been about things the poster has done for others with very few being about kindness done towards them. I think if this thread was written fifty years ago, most of the posts wouldn't make the cut because they would be considered just part of being a decent person.
I think if this thread was written fifty years ago, most of the posts wouldn't make the cut because they would be considered just part of being a decent person.
Life is just very different. Especially in big cities. People tend to "mind their own business" or think that they are too busy to "help" others.
A few months ago I was pulling a pretty heavily laden suitcase on wheels through a subway hub. The darn escalator was broken... of course, so I had to manually lift said case up each stair.
I could have managed, but it was obviously very difficult. Everyone was basically avoiding me by taking the other stairs.
But one teenager actually seen me and purposely came to me and asked if I wanted help. He grabbed the backend of the suitcase and we both manhandled it up the onerous steps.
I was quite impressed that a teenager stopped to offer to help. Nowadays most teens don't care and are just staring down on their devices or doing whatever is in their best interest.
I agree with you. I am of the nature of wanting to help others if it is obviously needed. But it seems that many people in the big cities are too preoccupied with their own fast life to bother helping others.
I think just being pleasant to others, making eye contact and smiling, is sometimes an act of kindness. I do this regularly, also I try to give compliments. “Love your boots” “your hair is so pretty”, like that.
If I see someone in the supermarket obviously looking for something, I will try to help, direct them if I know where what they are searching for is.
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