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No is a complete sentence- no other explanation needed.
I was all set to ask some questions this morning then I read the thread a little more closely.
Are there cultural expectations that won't allow you to say no to your parents? Are you expected to be deferential to their wishes even though you are an adult?
OP, do you still live with your parents? If so, why? You are 33 with a job. It's time to move out on your own and start living your own life.
How serious are your brothers' issues that he can't stay alone for a couple of days? Are you his designated 'babysitter' on these trips? This is not exactly fair to you.
Is there a particular reason why this is a yearly trip involving the whole family (especially if there is not a special event involved?) Can the family not travel somewhere else on vacation? Can you and your parents not take separate trips?
Regarding the lost money on tickets that can't be refunded, this is what happens when you assume things. Do your parents ask you if you want to go on this trip or do they just assume that you are going?
OP, I hope that you find the strength to just say no, you won't be doing this kind of trip ever again, no matter how disappointed your parents act. You have to start deciding what is best for you and if this trip upsets you, you should be making alternate plans- some solo trips that your parents can't go on.
I'm 42 and have parents who can be a bit controlling and manipulative, even to their adult kids,and my wife does too, so I feel the OP's pain. How to do it depends on family dynamic. I know this sounds awful, but sometimes for things where you know there will be a big blowup, it's best to just lie. Tell your parents you can't go on that vacation this year because of work, a big project, things are tense at work and the boss is really looking at how much time off people are taking right now, something like that. Then once you have done that one year, you may have broken the cycle of expecting you to go every year, and the next year it may be easier to beg off.
Sometimes, though it does come down to pushing things to a confrontation. I hate confrontation, especially with my parents, a lot of the lingering fear a kid has of them being mad at him, but after years of capitulating to a lot of unreasonable demands that were creating financial and marital stress, my wife and I stood up to both of our parents, and there was an uncomfortable period, but once they realized we weren't backing down, they started respecting our boundaries, asking if we wanted to do things instead of just expecting us to be there, and not causing a stink when we said no. There are some small things we still have to just lie to them about here and there to get out of stuff, but overall, things are a lot better.
Basically every year they want me to go, and if I don't they get really upset and disappointed about it. But we always go to the same place, and I'm so bored of it. We visit relatives, who I don't like spending time with. Not to be too judgmental or personal, but they are very redneck-ish, and wine about the government and about life all the time, and it's not my kind of company I want to keep a lot, or at least not once a year even.
I've been doing it for them to make them happy, over the years. But I'm 33 years old now. Why do I have to take a few days off work every year to go on a vacation with them, when I would rather save my time and money to go a vacation spot I want to myself. I could do both, but I would rather just spend my money and time on a place I want.
But what do you think? If I shouldn't go, how can I convince them without them getting upset over it and feeling so rejected?
Simply tell them, you won't be going on vacation with them this year, and that you've made other plans.
Now, the other plans can be anything you want it to be. It can be that you are saving money to do something else or to contribute more to your 401(k). The point is, you having other plans is a sign that you have grown up and are independent now. Don't explain yourself any further otherwise you will always be explaining yourself, and it isn't needed. Just repeat you have other plans, and if they ask "what are they?" say you've not decided, but "are making other plans instead of that trip". That's it.
Because...if you go into the details of why you don't like it, you are going to offend them and possibly alienate them. I say that because none of us knows these people and can't predict how they are going to react. Seriously, if they give you the cold shoulder because you have "made other plans" that is entirely their problem.
If you aren't going to have a good time, then don't go. And that goes for a wedding, a party, etc. Unless it is a business function, my time is my own and under my control and I don't allow anyone else to take control of it. The very idea of using vacation in an upsetting way just doesn't sound healthy, so don't do it.
I don't understand this, in view of threads the OP was creating a couple of years ago, in which he was debating getting married, which would entail getting his own place and being independent (but with an SO, obviously). He also implied in those threads, that he made good money and had a solid investment account; it was enough money that he was contemplating getting a pre-nup for what he presented as an impending engagement.
These contradictions make one wonder if this is the same OP, and yet, it's the same username as always.
Recently there was a thread about the possibility of moving to Vancouver/Toronto to do filmmaking. I think he said he had the money to do it and be there a year or so before the money ran out as opposed to years in Saskatoon, so it certainly seems like the OP STILL has quite a bit of money saved. That’s what makes this whole bit about living in the parents’ basement so mysterious. If the parents are so controlling, why still live there? There comes a point where I think most parents have to say it is time to move on, particularly when a person has enough money to have an investment account and savings to last a few years.
OP, are you paying rent to stay with your parents?
The big problem I see is that in an earlier post, the OP said he finally gave up and said "yes" to his parents, planning to tell them no the next day or so, but by then they had already made plans, reserved hotels and bought tickets.
So, the OP bears quite a bit of responsibility for the contretemps. He did say "yes", even if he didn't mean "yes". Now, granted, this isn't a contract signed in blood and set in concrete, but he DID say "yes".
I'm all for him not going.....I wouldn't want to go under the circumstances.....but a "yes" is a "yes".
He needs to decide whether to fulfill his "yes" promise or put his foot down and not go. But, please OP, for the love of all that's holy, stop whining about it and make up your mind. Go or don't go, but move on or we'll have another 14 pages of the same 'ol same 'ol.
Recently there was a thread about the possibility of moving to Vancouver/Toronto to do filmmaking. I think he said he had the money to do it and be there a year or so before the money ran out as opposed to years in Saskatoon, so it certainly seems like the OP STILL has quite a bit of money saved. That’s what makes this whole bit about living in the parents’ basement so mysterious. If the parents are so controlling, why still live there? There comes a point where I think most parents have to say it is time to move on, particularly when a person has enough money to have an investment account and savings to last a few years.
OP, are you paying rent to stay with your parents?
Yeah I'm paying rent, but I don't want to buy a house just yet since I may move to Toronto or Vancouver, but haven't decided which yet, which is why I haven't bought a place yet. I don't find my parents to be controlling other than the vacation part I think.
You need to point out to your parents, that your years of being young and attractive, are nearly OVER. Instead of going to places where you could meet a potential mate, you've been spending your limited time and money, going with your parents, to basically spin your wheels, slow your metabolism to a crawl, and become depressed.
You cannot afford to sacrifice your last chances for meeting someone (and starting a family, etc.).
That DOES happen to people - all the time. The world is full of maiden aunts and lonely bachelor uncles. One day, you realize that you're old and unattractive, and all those times you sacrificed vacation time, and vacation money, to go see relatives... well... those times added-up, and the years slipped-by, and now you're fifty - or sixty - or pushing seventy. And you remember all the times you said to yourself, "well, this can't go on, FOREVER. ----- and ----- will die before long, and then I can do what I need to, to start a life. But they NEVER die, and you wake up one day, to realize that you never got around to starting a life.
I know a Gay man who was hard-hit by the Obama Depression. It was all he could do, from '08 to about '15, was to pay the mortgage, make the car payments, and drive, three or four times a year, to see relatives. Those happened to be his last years of being attractive. He lived in a region where there simply were no viable Gay men with whom he could form a relationship. If he was going to meet anybody, it would be on a trip elsewhere. But instead, out of family loyalty, he sacrificed his last chances, driving up to visit the relatives. No Palm Springs.... no Key West.... no Fire Island... just depressing and distressing visits to dying towns in what demographers now call the "Black Belt".
Now, his hair is gone, his body no longer responds to weightlifting, and his chances are GONE. It's OVER. He looks like heck. I find it painful to look at him. He's hired a spectacular young assistant to actually interface with clients, because my old friend knows that his own ugliness has destroyed his personal credibility, and his concepts will be seen as invalid, if clients see HIM. So, you can bet there's not a chance in H-word-place that another guy will ever look at him (in a good way), ever again. And he used to be beautiful - but put work and school first - then family loyalty first - and now.... KAPUT - over - no more chances - last chances sacrificed for family. As PamAnn says, "All-gone. No more. Kaputsk!"
And the relatives don't even appreciate what he did for them. They think he should have visited more. He's the BAD GUY - the little ingrate - because he wasn't driving-up, every weekend.
And I've owned offices FULL of low-wage women, who remained under the control of their elders, while the years ticked-by, and they started to look like manatees... being dragged to family reunions and family this and family that... and sticky, time-consuming church goings-on... until it was just too late, and they were just pitiful messes - with mama and daddy still hanging-in-there, and all the chances for love-&-happiness gone-up-in-smoke. At some point, Mama and Daddy finally die, and Devoted Daughter finds she has to vacate the family home, because Mama and Daddy died BROKE. Happens ALL the time...
Family can simply devour your life. And you'll have nothing to show for it - maybe not even gratitude.
____________
And to answer OP's incoming post number 138, "Well I mean the vacation is only like a few days a year, so have I been putting off that much time to look for a mate really?"
So.... if you've got plenty of vacation time, and plenty of money, then what's the big deal? Not everybody gets two weeks of vacation. And not everybody has money for all the trips you can take in two weeks. Lots of people are unofficial interns, well into their thirties, who dare not take even ONE week - and who work for next-to-nothing, as the price-of-entry into desirable fields. But if you're one of the lucky ones, with plenty of time off, and plenty of money, then go! It's not such a huge sacrifice, to suffer for a few days.
But just be warned: what seems like not such a big deal, in your thirties, can come to loom large, when you're STILL doing it, and you're in your SIXTIES.
Last edited by GrandviewGloria; 07-05-2018 at 04:31 PM..
You need to point out to your parents, that your years of being young and attractive, are nearly OVER. Instead of going to places where you could meet a potential mate, you've been spending your limited time and money, going with your parents, to basically spin your wheels, slow your metabolism to a crawl, and become depressed.
You cannot afford to sacrifice your last chances for meeting someone (and starting a family, etc.).
That DOES happen to people - all the time. The world is full of maiden aunts and lonely bachelor uncles. One day, you realize that you're old and unattractive, and all those times you sacrificed vacation time, and vacation money, to go see relatives... well... those times added-up, and the years slipped-by, and now you're fifty - or sixty - or pushing seventy. And you remember all the times you said to yourself, "well, this can't go on, FOREVER. ----- and ----- will die before long, and then I can do what I need to, to start a life. But they NEVER die, and you wake up one day, to realize that you never got around to starting a life.
I know a Gay man who was hard-hit by the Obama Depression. It was all he could do, from '08 to about '15, was to pay the mortgage, make the car payments, and drive, three or four times a year, to see relatives. Those happened to be his last years of being attractive. He lived in a region where there simply were no viable Gay men with whom he could form a relationship. If he was going to meet anybody, it would be on a trip elsewhere. But instead, out of family loyalty, he sacrificed his last chances, driving up to visit the relatives. No Palm Springs.... no Key West.... no Fire Island... just depressing and distressing visits to dying towns in what demographers now call the "Black Belt".
Now, his hair is gone, his body no longer responds to weightlifting, and his chances are GONE. It's OVER. He looks like heck. I find it painful to look at him. He's hired a spectacular young assistant to actually interface with clients, because my old friend knows that his own ugliness has destroyed his personal credibility, and his concepts will be seen as invalid, if clients see HIM. So, you can bet there's not a chance in H-word-place that another guy will ever look at him (in a good way), ever again. And he used to be beautiful - but put work and school first - then family loyalty first - and now.... KAPUT - over - no more chances - last chances sacrificed for family. As PamAnn says, "All-gone. No more. Kaputsk!"
And the relatives don't even appreciate what he did for them. They think he should have visited more. He's the BAD GUY - the little ingrate - because he wasn't driving-up, every weekend.
And I've owned offices FULL of low-wage women, who remained under the control of their elders, while the years ticked-by, and they started to look like manatees... being dragged to family reunions and family this and family that... and sticky, time-consuming church goings-on... until it was just too late, and they were just pitiful messes - with mama and daddy still hanging-in-there, and all the chances for love-&-happiness gone-up-in-smoke. At some point, Mama and Daddy finally die, and Devoted Daughter finds she has to vacate the family home, because Mama and Daddy died BROKE. Happens ALL the time...
Family can simply devour your life. And you'll have nothing to show for it - maybe not even gratitude.
Well I mean the vacation is only like a few days a year, so have I been putting off that much time to look for a mate really?
I don't understand this, in view of threads the OP was creating a couple of years ago, in which he was debating getting married, which would entail getting his own place and being independent (but with an SO, obviously). He also implied in those threads, that he made good money and had a solid investment account; it was enough money that he was contemplating getting a pre-nup for what he presented as an impending engagement.
These contradictions make one wonder if this is the same OP, and yet, it's the same username as always.
Yes it's me. A couple of years ago, I almost got married and it didn't work out. What's that got do this vacation issue though, as this is a very different issue than my engagement from two years ago?
However, I am not Asian as it was suggested here:
Quote:
OP, is this an Asian culture thing? If so, maybe you should ask other Asians. A lot of us here can't relate, so our responses may not be all that helpful, if there's something culture-specific going on.
I don't find my parents to be controlling other than the vacation part I think.
For those downplaying the importance of this trip, take note of the above quote.
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