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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,855,063 times
Reputation: 41429
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treemoni
One day your parents aren't going to be here, and you might find yourself wishing you could take this "crappy" vacation with them. I say suck it up and go. Find a way to have some "me" time during the trip. Venture out and try/see something new each time, and make a game of it.
I don't think many of you realize it, but your attitudes about family likely contribute to why you seem unhappy.
One day, OP ain’t gonna be here and if he doesn’t set boundaries and say no to his parents on occasion, that will be a big regret in his life. You should be ashamed of using the fact that his parents are mortal to try and guilt him.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,855,063 times
Reputation: 41429
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony
Okay thanks. Well they said not only will the brother need taking care of, if I don't go, but also that they already booked the hotels and tickets to the places, and asked why didn't I bring this up before.
I told them that I did say so before, but apparently they did it take it seriously and it flew right over their head to which they just seemed surprised by.
They booked the trip without getting your convent to go. Their problem not yours.
Well they said they could unbook it and rebook, but still have tickets to some places that are now a waist, unless I find a time this summer to go with them.
Well they said they could unbook it and rebook, but still have tickets to some places that are now a waist, unless I find a time this summer to go with them.
They’re using that as a tactic to manipulate you. I’m sorry that your parents stoop to manipulation.
Basically every year they want me to go, and if I don't they get really upset and disappointed about it. But we always go to the same place, and I'm so bored of it. We visit relatives, who I don't like spending time with. Not to be too judgmental or personal, but they are very redneck-ish, and wine about the government and about life all the time, and it's not my kind of company I want to keep a lot, or at least not once a year even.
I've been doing it for them to make them happy, over the years. But I'm 33 years old now. Why do I have to take a few days off work every year to go on a vacation with them, when I would rather save my time and money to go a vacation spot I want to myself. I could do both, but I would rather just spend my money and time on a place I want.
But what do you think? If I shouldn't go, how can I convince them without them getting upset over it and feeling so rejected?
Just do what you know in your heart that YOU want to do, which is to not go with them. Tell them politely that you have decided that the fun has long gone from these trips and that you will no longer be attending with them.
Well they said they could unbook it and rebook, but still have tickets to some places that are now a waist, unless I find a time this summer to go with them.
tell them to give the tickets to the family that live there, then they are not wasted. Waving nonrefundable tickets, over your head, is just more manipulation.
I didn't say it did. This really isn't about the unpleasant family members. This is about his parents.
He has made it clear that it's very important to his parents that he participate in this long-standing family tradition.
The definition of selfish is: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.
By choosing not to go, he would be showing no regard for his parents' wishes.
Like it or not, chicagoliz, that's selfish.
I guess you forgot what he wrote in the OP: "We visit relatives, who I don't like spending time with. Not to be too judgmental or personal, but they are very redneck-ish, and wine about the government and about life all the time, and it's not my kind of company I want to keep a lot, or at least not once a year even."
He doesn't want to visit the relatives. He is 33 years old, and he is allowed to spend his time with people he finds pleasant. This is about a vacation to spend time with these people -- apparently people he has seen relatively recently. It would be a different story if this were for some special event -- like a wedding or some unusual circumstance where the family really should get together. But it is not. It is just a trip to see them. There is no reason why the parents should not be able to go on their own.
It's not selfish to want to live your own life and not constantly bend to the wishes of others.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony
Well if I don't go, I am 96% sure, they won't go, cause they keep saying they will not enjoy it without me, and I think they may be embarrassed if I don't come along.
Then they don't go. And that will be entirely their choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony
Yeah I'm feeling guilt and they make me feel sorry for them. If I didn't have the new job, along with not doing any filmmaking projects this summer, then I would be more up for it.
Only you can feel sorry or feel guilt. They can try to make you feel something, but you don't have to allow them to make you feel this way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony
Well I talked to them and they keep saying if I don't go then my brother is going to not want to come too, and he has his mental health problems going on. They keep saying we will work around my schedule and go when I can, so what's a good week to go, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
If the brother can't take care of himself or can't be unsupervised for several days, that means the OP would have to take the time off of work to care for him while the parents are gone anyway.
This is a different issue. If the issue is that he needs to take some time off to care for the brother, who is unable to care for himself, then I understand a little bit more. If this is the case, OP can take time off of work to allow his parents to do this travel, which is important to them. He can take care of the brother, but not have to be bothered by these relatives whose company he doesn't enjoy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony
Okay thanks. Well they said not only will the brother need taking care of, if I don't go, but also that they already booked the hotels and tickets to the places, and asked why didn't I bring this up before.
I told them that I did say so before, but apparently they did it take it seriously and it flew right over their head to which they just seemed surprised by.
How forceful were you? Have you said this before? If you made it very clear you were not going, but they bought tickets anyway, that is on them. It was dumb of them to do so and they wasted their money, but it was their choice to do so. If, however, your proclamation was wishy washy, or you've said every year you weren't going but then went, then they may have more of a beef. BUT, if you ever want them to take you seriously, you have to stand firm with what you said. They will know not to do this again next year.
If they are should I tell them they are manipulating me as a means to talk them out of it?
No because you are still engaging them on their terms. You don’t want to go ,you said you don’t want to go, end of discussion. . What they choose to do is up to them and you don’t need to discuss it.
I guess you forgot what he wrote in the OP: "We visit relatives, who I don't like spending time with. Not to be too judgmental or personal, but they are very redneck-ish, and wine about the government and about life all the time, and it's not my kind of company I want to keep a lot, or at least not once a year even."
He doesn't want to visit the relatives. He is 33 years old, and he is allowed to spend his time with people he finds pleasant. This is about a vacation to spend time with these people -- apparently people he has seen relatively recently. It would be a different story if this were for some special event -- like a wedding or some unusual circumstance where the family really should get together. But it is not. It is just a trip to see them. There is no reason why the parents should not be able to go on their own.
It's not selfish to want to live your own life and not constantly bend to the wishes of others.
Then they don't go. And that will be entirely their choice.
Only you can feel sorry or feel guilt. They can try to make you feel something, but you don't have to allow them to make you feel this way.
This is a different issue. If the issue is that he needs to take some time off to care for the brother, who is unable to care for himself, then I understand a little bit more. If this is the case, OP can take time off of work to allow his parents to do this travel, which is important to them. He can take care of the brother, but not have to be bothered by these relatives whose company he doesn't enjoy.
How forceful were you? Have you said this before? If you made it very clear you were not going, but they bought tickets anyway, that is on them. It was dumb of them to do so and they wasted their money, but it was their choice to do so. If, however, your proclamation was wishy washy, or you've said every year you weren't going but then went, then they may have more of a beef. BUT, if you ever want them to take you seriously, you have to stand firm with what you said. They will know not to do this again next year.
I said I didn't want to go as we go every year and I got a new job a few months ago, and I am also busy with some filmmaking projects I want to do this summer. To which they kept asking me to go so I said okay to shut them up, but then really didn't want to and felt I would talk about it again the next day and then the bought tickets.
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I’m sorry that your parents stoop to manipulation.
