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When do you let go of a friend? Or, better yet, am I in the wrong here?
The scenario is this, I'm a middle aged guy who had a good hiking partner (at least 10 years older). Really respected the guy and enjoyed hiking and camping. We had a long weekend recently where we planned on hiking. I came down to his place (he's an hour or so away) Saturday around 11. I suggested leaving later as I needed more time to rest Saturday morning, as I'm working two jobs. To my memory, he agreed without issue. Overdid hiking on Sunday, and mentioned I needed to rest on Monday as I was coming back from an injury and had been months since doing anything strenuous. As we were driving back to camp on sunday he mentioned his new girlfriend. When I asked how things were going, he said things were good, but he was also keeping recently divorced woman on the line, so to speak. Pretty sure it pissed him off when I asked him if he was being respectful towards his current relationship. Probably did not use the same words, but the gist of it at least.
Guess he had time to stew over my comments, as 30 min later he blasted me for "ruining" his weekend of hiking, telling me I should have been at his place early on Saturday and recommending we needed to go home that night so he could hike near his home on Monday. When I pushed back, he threatened me with ending a friendship. Figuring I wasn't hiking anyway on Monday, I agreed to make the 4 hour ride back home. He gave a half cocked apology, stating he knows "he rubs people the wrong way at times."
We spoke some on the long ride home, mostly just to keep alert, not out of genuine want for conversation. Looking back, I understand his frustration, but clearly remember him being ok with a late start on Saturday. I find it not coincidental at all that he lit into me after questioning him on keeping his options open with his current relationship.
Any thoughts? Yeah, this probably reads like a middle school catfight, but I'm not quite sure I've ever been threatened with "ending a friendship." In the past, if another guy and me disagreed with me, we just agreed to disagree and moved on. This one? I'm honestly stumped lol
If he threatened to end the friendship once, he will again. And he has given it thought before. This just didn't pop into his head out of the blue.
If I were you, I'd make sure he knows it's your recollection that you told him about your needing a late start on Saturday & that he said he was okay w/that. (You sound vague on really remembering that, though, so I wonder. If you did just show up really late, that's on you. That would tick me off,too, since the trip was scheduled & planned out & limited.)
I wouldn't end the friendship. I'd leave it open ended and just see what happens. Maybe neither of you will ever call each other again. Or maybe over time, this will fade, and you'll miss each other. I would not be definitive either way at this point.
BTW...you were right about the comment about playing those two women. It all comes down to how you said it and whether you were overly judgmental. And you know...he may NOT be keeping that 2nd woman "on the line." He may just be playing the big man w/you, or maybe he THINKS he's keeping her on the line. As a female, I can't count the times that men thought I was hung up on them, when I wasn't, or at least not as much as they thought. Men sometimes exaggerate their prowess to their male friends.
Communication for anything is key, along with negotiating so hopefully each person gets needs met. People often have expectations about how something should go, but when all of it isn't articulated clearly, it leaves room for misinterpretation and annoyance.
Your friend probably didn't realize you were not in shape for anything at the level he is so that right there was an important piece of information; he was likely expecting you to be in the same shape as whatever your previous hikes have been. This guy appears to be a serious hiker, who's in shape.
Also there was a mismatch in hiking times; early birds often want to start their exercise or walks/hikes early and 11am would be really late for them, unless the goal was a casual stroll. I'm not an early morning person, but I know people who are, and they tend to be fairly rigid in their habits around getting up 'n out on whatever physical activity they do often.
Finally, comments about his active and fluid love life might have sounded judgemental and if there's one thing most people do not like is being or feeling judged or criticism for their choices. He's an adult, presumably the women he's dating are also adults, there are no crimes being committed, and it's ultimately his business how he handles his affairs. It is possible to comment without offering an opinion and keep it neutral. E.g. "sounds like you're enjoying yourself!" or "with meeting lots of women, you might find "Ms Right" for a long partnership."
Your buddy was "bragging" to you that even being older, he was a literal Rooster keeping two Henhouses occupied, his expectation was for you to high-five him for his sexual prowess, and you obviously let him down, LOL.
I had a friend who was in the business of only dating married women. I called him out on it (I could understand a one-off, sometimes people connect and marriages end, but this guy would seek out married women to date). I'm a big believer in the "Do unto others" rule, this guy would be devastated if someone he was involved with long-term cheated on him, and that was the point I was making. We quit hanging out a year or so later, I did wonder if my calling him out was part of that. Whatev's, I still think that dudes who don't give a whit if they break up a marriage are a POS, and if a P.O'd husband blows their junk off over it, Karma.
I agree with Curly.
But, if anyone “threatens” me, it’s over. That is manipulative and doesn’t belong in any relationship.
Also, all this stuff about hiking, clearing time for you, him being upset because you needed rest, had an injury...that is such b.s. on his part. Hiking is supposed to be fun, relaxed and casual, not a damn, timed business meeting!
Yon need a more relaxed, self Alpha-male hiking buddy.
Last edited by happygrrrl; 10-16-2019 at 11:26 PM..
When do you let go of a friend? Or, better yet, am I in the wrong here?
The scenario is this, I'm a middle aged guy who had a good hiking partner (at least 10 years older). Really respected the guy and enjoyed hiking and camping. We had a long weekend recently where we planned on hiking. I came down to his place (he's an hour or so away) Saturday around 11. I suggested leaving later as I needed more time to rest Saturday morning, as I'm working two jobs. To my memory, he agreed without issue. Overdid hiking on Sunday, and mentioned I needed to rest on Monday as I was coming back from an injury and had been months since doing anything strenuous. As we were driving back to camp on sunday he mentioned his new girlfriend. When I asked how things were going, he said things were good, but he was also keeping recently divorced woman on the line, so to speak. Pretty sure it pissed him off when I asked him if he was being respectful towards his current relationship. Probably did not use the same words, but the gist of it at least.
Guess he had time to stew over my comments, as 30 min later he blasted me for "ruining" his weekend of hiking, telling me I should have been at his place early on Saturday and recommending we needed to go home that night so he could hike near his home on Monday. When I pushed back, he threatened me with ending a friendship. Figuring I wasn't hiking anyway on Monday, I agreed to make the 4 hour ride back home. He gave a half cocked apology, stating he knows "he rubs people the wrong way at times."
We spoke some on the long ride home, mostly just to keep alert, not out of genuine want for conversation. Looking back, I understand his frustration, but clearly remember him being ok with a late start on Saturday. I find it not coincidental at all that he lit into me after questioning him on keeping his options open with his current relationship.
Any thoughts? Yeah, this probably reads like a middle school catfight, but I'm not quite sure I've ever been threatened with "ending a friendship." In the past, if another guy and me disagreed with me, we just agreed to disagree and moved on. This one? I'm honestly stumped lol
He's emotionally immature. Rather than being direct and telling you he didn't appreciate your comment, he over reacted that you ruined his weekend, cut the trip short and threatened the friendship. I don't consider his comment to be an apology but more an acknowledgment that he can be a jerk so deal with it.
Many times people have given me their unasked for opinions that stung a little but that's life and lashing out is uncalled for.
I would cool it and if he contacts you, only agree to hiking/camping if there is no discussion of personal things (as he seems thin skinned) and flexibility on hiking at different paces.
OK, so you arranged to go on a series of hikes with your friend and arrived late because you were tired. Then, after hiking on Sunday you weren't in shape to do any more hiking, so you bowed out on hiking Monday. He cleared a long weekend for you and got one hike out of it. Am I understanding it was a four hour drive to the campsite and four hours back? No wonder he was angry. Your inappropriate comment about his relationship didn't help any.
You seem either selfish or oblivious to how your decisions affect others. All it takes is 30 minutes in a gym 5 times a week to recover strength and stamina. But you show up deconditioned for a series of hikes.
Honestly, I just don't get you.
I agree with fluffy here the most except for "all it takes is 30 minutes." There are so many things in life, and what everyone does is different. That's okay. We might not be able to determine what our stamina is or what the actual hikes are and that's okay.
You do need to apologize. Not just for your lack of knowledge of understanding the intensity of the hikes, but for unintentionally disrespecting his schedule to spend time with you instead of possibly with other(s). Not only that, but to show you care, off your own accord, try to treat him to a meal or something like that. A real good friend would try to make up for mistakes that they did. Mistakes can happen and they will, but it's more a matter of how you and the other person handle those situations that really show what kind of true friendship you and the other person really have.
I agree with fluffy here the most except for "all it takes is 30 minutes." There are so many things in life, and what everyone does is different. That's okay. We might not be able to determine what our stamina is or what the actual hikes are and that's okay.
Well, it's an approximation. At 55 I was doing the same regimen: 30 minutes on a treadmill with an incline. The OP says he's middle-aged. He's hiked with this guy before, so he knew what was likely in store.
I have a bum knee now and as much as I would like to go on easy social hikes, I just can't in good conscience hold other people up if my knee starts hurting and I have to stop frequently. It would be inconsiderate and short-sighted. I need to do a lot more "knee hab" first.
Quote:
You do need to apologize. Not just for your lack of knowledge of understanding the intensity of the hikes, but for unintentionally disrespecting his schedule to spend time with you instead of possibly with other(s). Not only that, but to show you care, off your own accord, try to treat him to a meal or something like that. A real good friend would try to make up for mistakes that they did. Mistakes can happen and they will, but it's more a matter of how you and the other person handle those situations that really show what kind of true friendship you and the other person really have.
It sounds to me like the guy was somewhat ok with the schedule not going as intended. Well, not exactly ok but sort of like when you forgive someone for something...it's forgotten about, and everything is fine, until some other problem arises. And then everything comes pouring out.
It sounds to me like the guy was somewhat ok with the schedule not going as intended. Well, not exactly ok but sort of like when you forgive someone for something...it's forgotten about, and everything is fine, until some other problem arises. And then everything comes pouring out.
Yeah, the dam bursts. And someone always gets swept away in the floodwaters.
It was a stupid argument that you started. I'm quite sure you were aware you were pushing his buttons.
When he apologized for snapping at you, you should have apologized for being judgmental and instigating. And then the whole thing should have been forgotten about by both parties.
OP, you're not innocent here. You owe the guy an apology.
Eh, I don't think he was purposely trying to start an argument with the guy. He asked him an honest question. Sounded like the guy was waiting for a manly high five for double dipping his chip in the salsa, and didn't get the reaction he wanted, and got triggered. OP is a married man and values his family, so in his eyes it's a little messed up. The guy also did tell OP that he's known to rub people the wrong way, so maybe he isn't so innocent either. However, OP, maybe it was how you worded it since you did say you couldn't really remember how you said it?
Last edited by DK736; 10-17-2019 at 10:55 AM..
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