NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (Milton, California: credit card, retire)

[lialleycat]

^^^ ROTFLOL! Love it JG!

[Jungle George]

Importance of Walking

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2. My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old....
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3. I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6. I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
...apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.


11. I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12. We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13. Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

[bloominscranton]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

Importance of Walking

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2. My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old....
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3. I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6. I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
...apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.


11. I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12. We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

13. Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

OM gosh to funny! I will now attempt to memorize these as my new mantra for life! Thanks for the laughs and TRUTHS!

[Jungle George]

THE NUN AND THE HIPPY


A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippy.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in
a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

[bloominscranton]

YOU SLAY ME! Almost pee peed my pants on that one~

[I LOVE PA!]

Just one question George.....you never said if the bus driver was male or female.....oh wait...never mind. I guess that really doesn't need to be clarified , now does it?

[Jungle George]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[bloominscranton]

:d

Originally Posted by jungle george

a lawyer boarded an airplane in new orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in new york , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in new orleans, please raise your hand?" not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.


two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.:d

:d:d:d:d True story...when I lived in Texas in my younger days, I was a cocktail waitress at a nightclub that was in an Army town, I was serving this one table and they had been drinking orgasms all night...well it was very crowded so one of the customers went to the Dj both to page me..." ...LIB, the guy you just gave an orgasm to wants you back"...well needless to say I made a lot tips that night! lol

[Jungle George]

I got this email this morning & had to pass it on....unfortunately, it's all too true....


I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, ' This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received. '

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally, at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section", my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. 'How is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments"

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings? " I asked..

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. "

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day. "

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If your parents are still alive and still married ..you are very rare."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair......."

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, remind everyone else how blessed we all are!!

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept.
"Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it. "

Signed,
JG

[lialleycat]

^^^^

So true, so true!

Thanks for sharing!