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I would love to have my kids move back in after college if they need to. We have a big house and it will be dumb to keep it sitting empty. However we are not likely to be able to sell it and we do not want to. It woudl be nice to have someone help with the bills, chores, and lonliness of an empty house. If necessary, we could remodel the basement into a suite for a couple or even a fmaily of three. Why not? We have the space and it is extremely difficult for kids starting out today. Housing has become incredibly expensive and many jobs do not pay that well, especially to start. One of our kids is becomming a teacher. If she tries to live on her own and pay her loans on a teacher's starting pay (if she cna find a job at all), her concern will nto be cell phone bills, but whether she can afford electricity.
It seems like everyone LOVES to bash this new generation of young people. We have become the punching bag for all older generations. "All they are is lazy, dependent, entitled, good-for-nothing slobs who expect to have everything handed to them by their parents forever." I hear a lot of that wherever I go, but you have to look at who is doing the complaining. This is a new world we have grown up in, it's nothing like the one our parents had and the rules have changed. You can't expect the same outcome if the rules have completely changed. Things that were possible back then just aren't possible today, and we're doing the best we can.
If someone wants a place to point the finger of blame, try pointing it at the parents. They are the ones responsible for raising children who don't know how to take care of themselves. They are the ones who sat by while the kid got bad grades in college, didn't develop a worth ethic, didn't have any direction or know what to do with themselves etc. Parents have 18 years to produce an adult that will becoming a contributing member of society and support themselves, but unfortunately I see a lot of young adults who never learned how to do that. It's a delicate balance, I'll admit. You want to give them help when they need it but not baby them when they need to do things for themselves. There is a difference between helping young people start out in the worst economy since the depression, and enabling lazy behavior. I don't think it's fair to criticize everyone in the generation for their choices because honestly, we don't have very many. If you could rewind history and try to get a job during the depression, I doubt it would be much fun. You might be living with your parents too.
I don't believe in parents absolving their parental responsibilities when the kid turns 18, that is mostly just an old-world mentality that does more harm than good and certainly makes no sense in the current times. Why would you even have a child if you plan on turning your back on them when they reach a certain age? There may come a time when you yourself, parents, are in your ailing years and are in need of some assistance. It could end up making the difference between a good relationship and a bad one with your children, and the difference between a lonely nursing home and spending your remaining years in the company of family. A family that knows you were always there for them, and thus will always be there for you in return. What goes around comes around. It's give and take, and it's what families have been surviving on for a long time.
That being said, I would never consider moving back in with my parents no matter what my financial situation was, that just isn't the type of relationship we have. I have always been very independent and they want me to be on my own. That doesn't mean they don't still help me out financially, but they are happy to continue doing so as long as is necessary. You see, they love me and want me to have the best life possible, they want me to have more than they had and they have worked their entire lives so that I could have a chance at a good life. I appreciate this and I said to my mom the other day "I hope there comes a time soon when I will be able to provide for you as you have provided for me."
This thread got me thinking about this from another angle. If parents have no responsibility to help their children get established post-college by allowing them to live with them while they start their career; is it also fair for those same children in later years to have no responsibility towards their aging parents who may have diminished means and be incapable of supporting themselves?
The argument seems to be along the lines that a parents responsibility to a child exists until they are 18. This can be extended if they are attending college (preferably footing the bill themselves). After college the child needs to be out of the house and fully supporting themselves.
Now, let's fast forward and apply that same logic. The child is now an adult and has been living on their own and supporting themselves and are doing well for themselves and are raising their own family. The child's parents either do to health or diminished income (many retirees saw their nest eggs get severely reduced in the recession and home values that many used as a cash reserve plunged) are no longer able to support themselves on their own. Maybe it was do to bad planning or another circumstance. Is the child right for saying, sorry mom and dad, you are adults, you made your decisions and you have to take responsibility. I'll help you move your things into the senior citizen home just like you moved my stuff into my first apartment. Yes, you're going to struggle. The food will be crappy and the accomodations not exactly what you wanted, but hey it's all you can afford. You could live with me, but what lesson does that teach you about self-sufficiency. I'm really sorry, but you should have planned better.
Maybe some of the older folks should take heed that what goes around does often come around. Allowing your child to move back in after college isn't enabling as long as you don't let it become that way. If it is done right you can set your kids up for a much more stable financial future. One where they might just be able to help you when you need it.
Maybe some of the older folks should take heed that what goes around does often come around. Allowing your child to move back in after college isn't enabling as long as you don't let it become that way. If it is done right you can set your kids up for a much more stable financial future. One where they might just be able to help you when you need it.
I was just joking with my son the other day telling him how sorry I was he was an only child and would be the only one to deal with us when we are old. He looked at me and said, "that's okay mom, I'll make sure I put you in a really nice old people's home".
I never moved back in with my mom. But there were times she helped us out a bit. Same with my husband's parents. I hope I can do that for our son if he needs it during any transition. He's very independent. I think the last thing he'd want to do would be to move back home once he leaves college. But if he needed it for a bit, I'd have no problem with it. But I also know my son - he already pays for a lot of his own things at 16, so he would know that if he ever did, it would be short term and he'd be expected to pay his way.
I don't believe in parents absolving their parental responsibilities when the kid turns 18, that is mostly just an old-world mentality that does more harm than good and certainly makes no sense in the current times. Why would you even have a child if you plan on turning your back on them when they reach a certain age? There may come a time when you yourself, parents, are in your ailing years and are in need of some assistance. It could end up making the difference between a good relationship and a bad one with your children, and the difference between a lonely nursing home and spending your remaining years in the company of family. A family that knows you were always there for them, and thus will always be there for you in return. What goes around comes around. It's give and take, and it's what families have been surviving on for a long time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NJGOAT
This thread got me thinking about this from another angle. If parents have no responsibility to help their children get established post-college by allowing them to live with them while they start their career; is it also fair for those same children in later years to have no responsibility towards their aging parents who may have diminished means and be incapable of supporting themselves?
The argument seems to be along the lines that a parents responsibility to a child exists until they are 18. This can be extended if they are attending college (preferably footing the bill themselves). After college the child needs to be out of the house and fully supporting themselves.
Now, let's fast forward and apply that same logic. The child is now an adult and has been living on their own and supporting themselves and are doing well for themselves and are raising their own family. The child's parents either do to health or diminished income (many retirees saw their nest eggs get severely reduced in the recession and home values that many used as a cash reserve plunged) are no longer able to support themselves on their own. Maybe it was do to bad planning or another circumstance. Is the child right for saying, sorry mom and dad, you are adults, you made your decisions and you have to take responsibility. I'll help you move your things into the senior citizen home just like you moved my stuff into my first apartment. Yes, you're going to struggle. The food will be crappy and the accomodations not exactly what you wanted, but hey it's all you can afford. You could live with me, but what lesson does that teach you about self-sufficiency. I'm really sorry, but you should have planned better.
Maybe some of the older folks should take heed that what goes around does often come around. Allowing your child to move back in after college isn't enabling as long as you don't let it become that way. If it is done right you can set your kids up for a much more stable financial future. One where they might just be able to help you when you need it.
This mentality is very disturbing. NJ, we're often on the same page, but please don't fall from your usual good sense.
Both of you are forgetting that your parents sacrificed for 18 years to give you everything you needed and a lot of what you wanted.
Both of you are forgetting that your parents have proved for more years than you have been alive that they can and have taken care of themselves AND YOU TOO.
Only after you are parents throughout your children's life will you understand what goes into raising a responsible adult.
Socstudent, what an arrogant, selfish, self-centered way to look at things to say to your parents, 'Only if you support me when I am not supporting myself in my adulthood will I do anything to help you when you are old. What is yours, is mine, but if you don't give me what I deserve as an adult, I won't share my life with you or help you in any way when you are unable to help yourselves. What is mine, is mine.'
Parents don't OWE their adult children, yet I don't know even one parent who wouldn't lend a hand if an adult offspring needed one, but I have known plenty of offspring who would not lend a hand to a parent if they needed one.
Where do either of you think your college education came from?
Where did you sleep for 18 years?
Where did the food come from you ate for 18 years?
How much did your parents receive every Christmas for 18 years while you enjoyed most of what you asked for?
How many times did your mom buy for you but not for herself even though she may have needed some things?
Who sat up with you when you were sick all those years?
Who sat up with you when your heart was broken as a young teen?
Who was there cooking for you when you came home from school?
Who made sure you had warm clothes and new underwear when you needed it?
Who took you to the doctor and dentist to make sure you were healthy?
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
It is unbelievable to me to think grown men would honestly think that unless their parents kept giving even when those grown men became adults, whether the parents could afford it or not, would even consider not helping their parents when they become old.
My older brother is an ass. I have no problem calling him that. He lives a few blocks from my 78 year old mother yet he NEVER goes over after a snow storm to shovel her drive. She shovels herself. He NEVER goes over to give her a hand with her yardwork, she does it all herself. I have grown nephews in the same city who do nothing to help their grandmother, yet they always have their hands out when it's Christmas or birthday.
What on earth is wrong with your thinking??? There comes a time when you MUST GROW UP and realize where you came from and lend a hand when it's necessary whether you want to or not; whether your mother allowed you to mooch off her and your father when you yourself turned into a grownup or not.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. Did it occur to either of you that perhaps your parents sacrificed for 18 years for you and finally when you became adults, thought maybe, just maybe they could think of themselves JUST A LITTLE???
DD called last week and asked about moving back home.
She has a job that only gives her 25-30 hours a week, the owners just cut all OT and incentive bonuses, and she can't find another job to replace or supplement her first job. Gas for the commute costs her nearly an entire days pay. She bought health insurance but can't afford her meds. She qualifies for food stamps but feels like that's not really making it on her own, so she eats ramen and other unhealthy but filling junk instead.
Basically she's on her own and just treading water, not getting ahead and not seeing any better prospects in the near future. I don't see anything so wonderful about that. What's the point of being able to say "My kid is out on their own" if they can't get anywhere with it? Being able to say that you've booted the kids out of the nest doesn't mean you're a successful parent IMO.
I'm all for DD to come back for a bit. She'll have to have a job and she'll pay rent, but she'll be given an opportunity to save a little bit too. It will help me out too, as I've also been affected by cutbacks at work. Now I won't have to rent her old room out to a stranger,LOL. I see it as beneficial to both of us at this point in time. It's not a long term solution, it's just a stopgap until things get a little more stable. She's smart enough to see that what she's doing isn't going anywhere right now, and asking for a helping hand. I don't view it as anything negative.
It's not like I see her still living with me when she's forty (although alzheimers runs in the family, so maybe....)
Adult kids living with their parents isn't a new phenomenon.
Each family situation is unique, and most families go day by day doing the best they can to carve out a life together. If the kids need or want to come home, and the parents are supportive of that, why should anyone outside of the family or those directly involved even care?
If something in this economy does not change we will be living 7 - 10 ppl to a house , i mean as for me and my husband we are one paycheck away from being homeless of course I could move back with my sister if that happened but I would have no idea how we would get down there , I guess the man upstairs would provide a way but gosh this economy is so disheartening I can understand why kids are calling and asking to move back home . This country gets worse by the day and no one in power is doing anything about it .
Now, let's fast forward and apply that same logic. The child is now an adult and has been living on their own and supporting themselves and are doing well for themselves and are raising their own family. The child's parents either do to health or diminished income (many retirees saw their nest eggs get severely reduced in the recession and home values that many used as a cash reserve plunged) are no longer able to support themselves on their own. Maybe it was do to bad planning or another circumstance. Is the child right for saying, sorry mom and dad, you are adults, you made your decisions and you have to take responsibility. I'll help you move your things into the senior citizen home just like you moved my stuff into my first apartment. Yes, you're going to struggle. The food will be crappy and the accomodations not exactly what you wanted, but hey it's all you can afford. You could live with me, but what lesson does that teach you about self-sufficiency. I'm really sorry, but you should have planned better.
Maybe some of the older folks should take heed that what goes around does often come around. Allowing your child to move back in after college isn't enabling as long as you don't let it become that way. If it is done right you can set your kids up for a much more stable financial future. One where they might just be able to help you when you need it.
I laughed when I read this.
This whole "older folks should take heed" sounds like parents should put whatever decisions they feel are right on the back burner lest they offend little Johnny or Jane and they'll make them eat cat food and crawl to the doctor on their own when they become ill.
That is appalling and no different than parents who fear their kid will call CPS on them and kowtow to their every whim.
Parents who cease to financially support their kids once they turn 18 or 22 or whatever aren't doing it to be punitive. They are doing it because they believe that their kids need to make their own way. Whether you agree with that or not is up to you but at least in my family my parents didn't cut us off to be "mean" and thus I've always had a great relationship with them and would do anything for them financially or otherwise if they needed it.
No Excuses... There isn't even anything to say. You obviously just read into whatever people say with whatever you want to hear and go on a crazy rant about something that was never actually said. You seem to have a huge chip on your shoulder about this and want people to feel bad about themselves. There is no use arguing with someone who puts words in other people's mouths and can't interpret things correctly. I know I have a great life thanks to my parents and I thank them every day for it. I said previously (in case you can read) that I appreciate everything they've done for me and I hope to one day be able to support them as they have supported me. My comments were really geared more towards parents who choose not to support their children at all, then are left wondering why their grown children don't want to help them when they need it.
So thanks for the entertaining rant, but forgive me if I take it with a grain of salt. I know who I am and I have no reason to be ashamed of myself. My parents are extremely proud of me and what I'd accomplished and we have a great relationship. Being selfish doesn't really lend itself to good parenting, it's about loving someone that much and wanting to see them succeed throughout life. I know I will feel that way about my own children someday and everyone will do just fine.
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