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ok, well this was in a public place. my son was sitting and speaking to some friends of mine (adults). they are always around him and know him well and i am comfortable with him being with them. i was there also.
my dh happen to call to him because he wanted our son to see something. this woman didnt give my son the chance to even turn and look toward his father and in a more than necessarily harsh way told him "your father is calling you"...in a tone you would use with a child that has been called multiple times and isnt listening.
my son's response was not a very strong "no" as if to say, you dont need to call me, i heard my father. when this woman heard no, she immediately and imo harshly told him "oh no, you dont speak to me that way"
now i do agree that children should be respectful of adults, but i dont agree with the tone this woman often has with him. it's as if his existence bothers her, whether he is doing something or not. the reason i didnt reprimand him was because i didnt think he did anything wrong by defending his actions.
the reason i didnt say anything to her is because i dont like to call someone out where it can cause embarrassment for her, for me and for the people within earshot.
there is no reason for me to have the need to tell an adult that they are overstepping their boundaries. we are not friends, she doesnt know my son or our family, she is just an acquaintance.
if my son were about to do something harmful to himself or someone else, then yes by all means shout out to him, but in the cases she has done this, it has always been similar to this one.
i just dont like people trying to do my job. i think his father and i do very well with him.
we are very hard on him when it comes to teaching him manners etc. i dont need anyone's imput. i dont need any help. he is not unruly and i dont seem like i am not handling the situation.
i will however say something the next time this happens. something along the lines of "i have got this thanks"...
It sounds like she wanted him to leave. You said your son has seen her before so I would agree with him. Yes, we should teach children to respect adults. But respect is earned and I think it's okay for them to learn that not everyone deserves it. The woman is a PIA and doesn't treat him with respect so I don't see anything wrong with what your son did.
My nephew has red hair and when he was little people - strangers - often tried to touch him. When a woman tried to go for it one day he said "don't touch me". The woman was outraged that my sister didn't reprimand him. My sister told her he did exactly what he should have done and to keep her hands to herself.
In the OP's scenario, I think the acquaintance was wrong. She was not disciplining for the right thing, so it caused everyone to get defensive including the lady who started it. Kids know the tones of voices of their parents. They know the difference between a come here in a fun way like I have something to show you and a come here you are in trouble. This woman doesn't know the difference so she shouldn't get involved.
OTOH, I have no problem with others disciplining my DD. Even if it is a random stranger in the store. Then I can choose whether I reinforce the discipline, or not. If I don't agree with the person who is disciplining my DD, I can tell her that. I would rather someone say something though. I am more of an "it takes a village" kind of person. If someone didn't hear the entire conversation and just heard DD say "no" to me and then told her she shouldn't say that, I may say to DD "That woman didn't hear the entire situation. You are not in trouble for this, but you see I told you that you should never talk back to me. That's what the woman thought you were doing. Even that lady agrees that you should never talk back."
I am also one of those automatic moms. As soon as I get around a kid, I turn into mom. Unfortunately, that also means that I may occasionally throw out some discipline. With one friend it is no problem. We call each other Mommy 1 & Mommy 2 with our kids. We treat each others kids like they are our own. One (somewhat new) friend does not believe in disciplining others kids. I forgot about it when her DS who was 2 came up and hit me so hard that it really hurt. I knew that hitting was the thing they were working on at that point. I looked at her DS and looked very angry and said "You do not hit. That hurts. How would you like it if I hit you?" Those are all of the things I said to DD, but realized after I said it that my friend would be mad. She grabbed her son and left. I didn't hear from her for almost a week and she called me and said "He hasn't hit anyone at all since he hit you and he used to hit 10-20 times per day. I was mad at you at first, but it really seemed to work. Thank you."
I really believe that hearing it from another person will have a larger impact than hearing it from Mom or Dad AGAIN. So, if you see me out with my daughter and she is being annoying by blocking the aisle in a store, singing really loudly, throwing things, talking back, or any of a million things that a kid can do (not that she does those she is strangely considerate of others), please say something to her. You will be doing yourself, me, her, and the future a favor by helping to create better behaving kids.
If the kids don't know where the next bit of discipline is coming from, they will think twice before acting up instead of thinking "they can't say anything to me. They aren't my Mommy and Daddy." Lets all work together. Oh, and if you are out and a kid does something bad and some woman says something to them, it may be me. I can't really help it. It usually slips out before I realize it.
i have an acquaintance .... she seems to have some sort of disdain for him. ....how did you handle it?
Speaking to this particular situation only:
If I had an acquaintance who seemed to have disdain for my child she wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him. Especially if she took it upon herself to correct him because she's not going to be coming from a position of love and teaching him what is right. She's going to have an agenda: take it out on the kid.
Why should a child be exposed to that? He's going to pick up her lack of respect for him as a human being. I wouldn't subject my child to that if it was at all possible to avoid it. (And if she's just an acquaintance it should be.)
I wouldn't quite call this circumstance discipline as that indicates something was done to the child as a consequence of his actions, and this woman only made remarks. Perhaps it would be better be described as her sticking her nose in where it didn't belong or even being bossy.
If someone said something to my child that was obviously heard then I would reply with something like he heard it, but thanks.
I don't get why this child would have responded with 'no' as it wasn't a yes or no thing, nor was it an appropriate response to the situation. I imagine the woman thought he was quite rude in his response to her and in turn didn't use a filter on her own response back to his.
The only thing I would have done was to find out why he responded no, explained it to her (and him) and apologize for such an abrupt response. It would be a teaching moment for both the child and the adult.
After that, I would pay closer attention to how they interacted and figure out what's going on in her mind.
Were the adults behaving appropriately for him to be there alongside them? For instance, were they swearing, being vulgar or drinking? Or were they PG child friendly? Not that it is this woman's business to jump at the chance to rush your child out of the room, but maybe she actually had a decent reason.
On the other hand, if she just feels the need to boss your child, then you need to have a discussion with her about her stepping in where she doesn't belong.
I have some mixed on this topic and when I think it is and isn't appropriate for others to discipline my child is very situational.
If my wife and/or I are present and see the behavior I expect everyone else to keep their mouths shut and let us handle it. If we are in the same general area, but can't see what's going on, stop them from doing something that would hurt them or someone else and then come get us. If there is no immediate danger then I would prefer people to come get us to handle the situation. If my wife and I aren't in the same room, I would prefer one person to take the lead with discipline, particularly a grandparent.
If my kids are not with us and are at someone else's home, school, practice, etc. I expect the adult in charge of the situation to use their own judgement on how to handle the situation. Also, please intervene if they are doing something dangerous or totally stupid like running into traffic after a ball.
I think my issue with others disciplining comes from my family. My family feels as if any adult in the family has authority over any kid in the family. Now, some of my family and I have a tenuous relationship and we are all not that close, so I am sometimes on the defensive when they are around. The situation will unfold like this: DS runs through the living room and spills a drink during a party. EVERYONE in the room will immediately begin yelling, disciplining, correcting him, etc. even if my wife and I are standing right there. The kid is essentially instantly bombarded and what is a rather minor thing balloons into something major as everyone is trying to out do each other disciplining my child. I have had some harsh words for people in these situations.
Another issue for me is correcting my child for behavior that I do not see as an issue. My niece is only a few years younger than me and has one child, a boy. This is my sisters only grandchild and they treat the kid like he is made out of percelain and hover over him assuring that he gets his way. My niece and my sister have both disciplined my children when he was around simply for doing things that upset their little perfect creation. "Oh DS, put that down, XYZ was going to play with that."; "DS don't play ball near XYZ in the backyard, he might get hurt"...followed by screaming when XYZ gets hit with a baseball; "DD1 that is XYZ's special toy, you can't play with that"...while at the same time deriding DS1 for not sharing everything she owns on XYZ's whim. They are also doing all of this in MY house, my childrens home. Yes, I have contemplated smashing XYZ's "special thing" and pegging him in the face with a football or enlisting DS to level him with a good hip check as talking to my niece and sister about it is like beating my head against a brick wall.
I wouldn't quite call this circumstance discipline as that indicates something was done to the child as a consequence of his actions, and this woman only made remarks. Perhaps it would be better be described as her sticking her nose in where it didn't belong or even being bossy.
If someone said something to my child that was obviously heard then I would reply with something like he heard it, but thanks.
I don't get why this child would have responded with 'no' as it wasn't a yes or no thing, nor was it an appropriate response to the situation. I imagine the woman thought he was quite rude in his response to her and in turn didn't use a filter on her own response back to his.
The only thing I would have done was to find out why he responded no, explained it to her (and him) and apologize for such an abrupt response. It would be a teaching moment for both the child and the adult.
After that, I would pay closer attention to how they interacted and figure out what's going on in her mind.
Were the adults behaving appropriately for him to be there alongside them? For instance, were they swearing, being vulgar or drinking? Or were they PG child friendly? Not that it is this woman's business to jump at the chance to rush your child out of the room, but maybe she actually had a decent reason.
On the other hand, if she just feels the need to boss your child, then you need to have a discussion with her about her stepping in where she doesn't belong.
It all depends......
absolutely NOT! i dont subject myself to being around people like that and i would sure as hell never put my child anywhere near them. these people are in fact grandparent types. meaning they are themselves grandparents--but not my son's. and yet they all treat him as another grandchild in their respective families.
i have an acquaintance that always seems to have something to say to my child. my son is 5 and quite well behaved most of the time. but she seems to have some sort of disdain for him. perhaps she doesn't agree with our methods. he will be doing something perfectly normal, his father will call to him and she will say "your father is calling you!!!". today he answered back and i did not reprimand him for it because i felt this woman was out of line. my son said something like "no" and she response "oh i dont think so, you dont speak to me that way"...but i was actually glad he stuck up for himself.
his father called to him, and she didnt need to get involved in any way. he was just sitting quietly playing and his dad wanted to show him something. it wasnt urgent.
this woman always seems to try to get involved and i am tired of it! it's like she has decided our son is unruley (could not be farther from the truth) and she needs to get involved in raising him. she is not family and she is barely a freind.
have you had to deal with something like this? how did you handle it?
I would look in a mirror and ask myself why you wrote for advice to this formum...
If she is a hideous creep, don't put yourself in the situation.
Barely a friend? Lose her.
I have a feeling that what she said was true. Up to you to handle it.
I had a VERY difficult time not discipling my nephews when we were in a restaurant one time. They would talk very loud, get up and walk around, and actually sit on the floor and play with toys. My son saw this and started to get up, but I gave him a look that said, "DON'T YOU DARE" and he sat back down instantly. One of my nephews is on the autism spectrum, but I still find it very embarassing and I don't think I will be going out with them again for a LONG time.
Directed towards the OP...
I would get crazy if someone tried to discipline my son...
However I am one of those moms on the playground that follows my son around to see that he is okay..One of those moms that told him at 11 when he wanted to ride his bike outside.."I am cleaning the living room I can see you and if I cannot? you shouldnt be there"
Why? Because he is my son and also I want no tom foolery..
I cannot stand bullies or disrespectful children..and I make no bones about it..If I see a kid on the playground teasing or hurting another child? I will look around for a parent if I do not see one? I will reprimand..my thing is? Watch your kid...bottom line every kid has the right to play and be safe without some little sob trying to be mean..pfft.
Another short story? I had this potsmoker neighbor who was never home but let the drug dealer bf in our good neighborhood "watch" their son? lol..well her son went home with his bike wrecked and told her that it was my son who did it and she was a fool and told him something...I went over there and recanted the time frame, who was out there and where my son was and where her pos bf was and told her to watch her own kid or get daycare..and if she ever looked at my kid cross eyed? Good luck with that..
As far as talking back? My son knew better..he said nothing and came and got me.. I have no problem being a pit bull for my son...
If I were you? I would not have allowed your son to speak but nipped that **** in the bud.."Yes my son hears him" now what?"
I would have handled it differently. If my sson "answered back" (and by this I assume you mean rude backtalk, rather than a simple response) to an adult he'd hear about it from me, no matter how far out of line the adult was. I might temper it by saying "Mrs. XXX should not have said this to you, but-", ...but he was still wrong, IMO, to be rude.
In general, if we're with a group (family, co-op, band), any adult in the group is welcome to tell my son he's out of line or doing something dangerous/foolish/unkind. Grown-ups outside the group, I'd just as soon not, but if Mrs. Stranger Lady is trying to keep him from walking in front of a car or petting a rabid coyote, I won't quibble.
Perfect, I agree. Many responses actually scare me. Even kids in my 'hood are a-holes & don't move for a car. Insane. My parents wouldn't have tolerated that disrespect. I guess many, sadly, today do. 'you can't disipline my brat'. Sad. The future is bleak if parents keep this up. If you get even one complaint, chances are, your kid is a jerk & you need to 'correct' him/her. Many don't & blame someone/something else. I saw my own DD being admonished by her teacher (with her bestie) for calling a boy a 'baby'. Not terrible, but, thankfully, I heard & had a chance to educate my DD that it is not okay to call kids names, even if they are okay w/ it. =P
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