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Can you plan a family vacation - a 3 or 4 day weekend where you all get hotel rooms near each other, eat meals at restaurants together, go to various attractions together, maybe let the grandparents take the kids on a little outing all by themselves.
I think you all would do better in more neutral territory. The in-laws would be less inclined to blow up at you (ie: behave themselves) in a public place, you would have the safe haven of your hotel room to retreat to for a break, no one would feel like the other person's servant and the kids would have time with their grandparents w/o you just "handing them over" and staying behind.
Maybe if you could get in an enjoyable outing or two together, it would be easier for you to invite them back into your home.
I also agree about meeting on neutral ground. Much more safe. Family restaurants, museums, amusement parks, a movie and ice cream after. Keep it light.
OP, I agree with everyone here - cutting them out of your kids lives is NOT the way to go.
Your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up for you. Acting like he doesn't know what happened - I would venture to say he does.
At any rate, I have a similar story. Our issues came to a head years ago when we had a house full - not just in-laws but sister-in-law and her whole family as well. Way, way to many people in the house and acting like I was the maid. I had finally had it and I'll admit, slightly smarted off when someone asked about dinner. I think I told them where the burgers were and to go cook them themselves.
My father-in-law called me an un-choice name. But my husband stood up for me and immediately kicked them out of the house - sent them to a hotel nearby and we didn't see them for the rest of the trip (they had driven up with my sister-in-law so had to wait for them to leave and they had continued to stay at our house).
Needless to say, we didn't speak for a couple of years. But believe it or not, we have a relatively good relationship now. Better than it has ever been. Even during the not speaking times we never cut them off from our son.
So there is hope. You just have to be willing to bend a little, bite your tongue sometimes and remember it's still family. And knowing you had your husband's support would be very helpful. Hotels work wonders too - although ours stay at our house now.
I also had/have an interesting relationship with my MIL. It came to the point where I had the be the grown up in the relationship and realize that my husband did have my back, but it would do little good to expect her to change her entire personality. She loves her son, and adores her grandchildren, and that has to be enough. I don't take her lack of verbal filter though, and call her on it immediately. She now knows to keep certain opinions to herself.
Nobody wins in these situations. The worst thing the OP can do is ask her husband to take sides. She needs to find a way to allow the grandparent-grandchild bond to continue as well as the bond between her husband and his parents. If it means removing herself from visits, so be it.
He should not be asked to take sides, he should be on the side of his family - that would be his wife and children.
If his parents are a negative influence and do what they do at his home, they sound, at the very least, like terrible guests.
Boundaries are so important here. Between cutting them out completely, and permitting them to treat his wife badly there is a huge middle ground.
You are assuming the wife in this case is blameless. We only hear her side. She is the one looking to break the connection between the grandparents and the grandchildren. I think there is more to the story.
Nobody wins in these situations. The worst thing the OP can do is ask her husband to take sides. She needs to find a way to allow the grandparent-grandchild bond to continue as well as the bond between her husband and his parents. If it means removing herself from visits, so be it.
And the next thing you know, her husband and kids will be spending the holidays at the in-laws without her.
I don't think she can plan on avoiding these people entirely, at some point she's going to have to be around them. Hopefully both sides can work together and do a little fence mending..
You are assuming the wife in this case is blameless. We only hear her side. She is the one looking to break the connection between the grandparents and the grandchildren. I think there is more to the story.
I don't know and neither do you. From what she tol me they don't sound ideal. I think motels and meeting o neutral ground are good all around.
Staying with others is tricky, under the best of circumstances. And these do ot sound like the best.
Good boundaries are in order. I have no reason to disbelieve the OP.
I don't know and neither do you. From what she tol me they don't sound ideal. I think motels and meeting o neutral ground are good all around.
Staying with others is tricky, under the best of circumstances. And these do ot sound like the best.
Good boundaries are in order. I have no reason to disbelieve the OP.
It's not a matter of disbelief - it's a matter of interpretation. I have no doubt the OP truly doesn't believe she did anything offensive to her in-laws. And she might not have. But the in-laws have a perspective as well - and it may be very different - and just as valid.
Unless these people are dangerous, I would really really try to work things out as best you can. They are your husband's family. No - you should not have to put up with boorish behavior and insults; however, as has been mentioned they raised your husband and he is on relatively good terms with them. They must have some redeeming qualities. Work with your husband to figure out a way to make things better. They will always be his parents and the grandparents of your children. I think at some point you might consider how you'd like to see your relationship and that of your children with their grandparents 5, 10 years from now. If you'd like to see it get better, then you should resist taking steps that could prohibit that.
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