Dislike inlaws so much, want to keep kids away from them?

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by TexasHorseLady

I agree that they should not speak badly about either parent to the children. This can be made a rule, but why? For the good of the children, not because it's all about the mother.

If it was a parent or grandparent that you took this stand with 16 years ago, and that was the only issue, then, you know what? YOU may be fine and dandy, but you certainly didn't do it for the good of the child or children in question. I hear a lot of "me, me, me" in your advice, and precious little about the welfare of the children.

YES! That's what I've bee saying all along. If they are bitter and hateful i their feelings towards their daughter in law, and can't seem to contain these feelings, this will leak out one way of another.
And the children will be hurt.

It's not about the mom being the bigger person so that her kids ca have a relationship with the Grandparents. It would be ideal if this were possible.

But alas, it's not in all cases. Not all grandparents are created equally.

At the very least, visits should be supervised by both of the parents and conducted on neutral ground. No protracted visits. There should be a begin time and an end time.

The grandparents - or the mom, are not as important as the children, and maintaining toxic relationships that are toxic is destructive.

I heard protectiveness in the mother's words, and that is why I identified with her - and not the grandparents. If you come into someone's home and make a mess, it's as though you are figuratively dumping on them. I am sure that the can behave better and have at the homes of people who the like and have respect for. Their incociderate actions speak volumes.

This is not about me - how could it be? I don't eve know these people. But a clear picture emerged when reading the mother's OP ad subsequent posts. They now what they are doing and just wat to continue doing it.

Trust me, I was the child in the middle of this and I saw my maternal grandparents pick omy father with out mercy, yet they were nice to me and to my sisters. I know first hand how this feels.
I felt sorry for my dad but they were so nice to me. I felt guilt about loving people who caused trouble in my home and were mean to my father, and I felt shame because I was his daughter.

If he was such trash, what did that make me? The conflicting emotions were horrible for my feeligs of self worth. I heard every little slight and innuendo directed at my dad. Even ones he may not have picked up.

All children are like little emotional seismographs. Even typing this some 40 years later is making me feel anxious.

[Ellen Pitts]

I disagree that there is some big problem with the kids knowing the grandparents don't like Mom. Kids are exposed to this kind of thing all the time between two parents during a divorce (I was as a child...Dad trash talking mom. Funny, it turned out that Dad was right, but Mom was the one who didn't want to trash talk even though Dad had his own share of skeletons in the closet.) Anyway, the kids can certainly understand that all people don't like each other. It's okay, really. They'll figure it out eventually any way. Kids are really perceptive.

[marie5v]

Originally Posted by Magic78

I really despise my inlaws. Problems stemmed from my being of different religion from my husband, their son. They didn't want us to get married, etc., caused lots of heartache the weeks leading up to our wedding. Over the past 10 years, our relationship has been strained and basically disintegrated this summer when they blew up at me (extreme profanity) for no reason. My husband was present and can't figure out what happened.

From the very beginning, my mom told me that my mother in law would be a problem for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I don't want them near my kids, yet my husband doesn't want to keep our kids from their grandparents. I just don't think they deserve to be in our lives because of their behavior. I'm not saying not to talk to them again, but I would like to limit visits to twice a year or something. They aren't bad people, they are just inconsiderate, very one sided, etc.

Haven't read all the responses, but I think you are being selfish. I have the worst mother in law you can imagine, for the same reasons. She was horrible to me for 10 years, made a scene in public when she found out we were getting married, tried to trick my husband into an arranged marriage with someone else, tons of nasty stuff. But even though I can't stand her, she's a good grandma and my son absolutely loves her. I love him too much to deny him his grandma, so I just make myself scarce whenever she's around. Basically, I let her babysit - works out well, because I don't have to spend time with her while he still can. If you love your child, then do what's good for your child, even if it means you have to put up with crappy inlaws. Unless they are disparaging you to your child or hurting your child in some way, just suck it up and be an adult and a parent. That's life - when you marry, you get the whole package, and when you have kids it's not just about you anymore.

If she is actually being nasty to you in front of your child, then just let her know it's not OK, and if she wants to continue to be in his life then she needs not to do that. Tell her you won't badmouth her if she won't badmouth you. You don't have to love her, just don't let your kid see how much you hate her. FYI, my parents both loathed their inlaws, and for excellent reasons, but I never knew it until they told me when I was an adult. I was shocked that they had managed to be civil enough to each other and not say anything in front of me, but I'm so glad they did. I loved my grandparents, and would have hated to be without them.

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by fallingwater

I feel for you. I dont like my in-laws and they have proven not to like me very much either. Not getting along with in-laws is one of those things many dont understand until they experience it. Sure there will always be family squabbles and so forth, that is normal but then there is a whole different situation when people intentionally do not want to get along for the sake of just being close minded and difficult. It really is taxing emotionally.

A difference of religion wasn't a factor in my case. My MIL and SIL's just dont like outsiders. They also believed that my husband was going to be a confirmed bachelor and when he and I started dating, it threw them. They also enjoyed that he was so available for their bidding especially his youngest sister. When that changed then I was controlling him or taking advantage of him. My MIL and SIL's are pretty much like a mean high school girl clique. Sometimes they are super fake around me to get info and then have a feast on what little they know and spin it into something else. Seriously some of the stuff they come up with just blows my mind. I could write a novel on the crap but a classic example is when we went to my MIL's for christmas one year. She loves to entertain and cook. It was one of the rare times I actually felt relaxed. Go figure.

I had some decent conversations with my SIL's, had some good food and then we left. When we got home, we could hear the phone ringing from the drive. It continued to ring as we got in the door and kept ringing over and over to the point we thought something bad happened. My husband grabbed the phone and was immediately taken a back when his mother started yelling asking my husband what my problem was. She said "susie" (my SIL a real sheet starter) informed her that I was rude and refused to eat. My MIL choosing not to use her own brain cells totally forgot that she actually made me a plate and she and I sat down and ate together. My husband even saw me sitting there with her EATING. Did my MIL apologize for her outburst? Nope. She was so eager to just hate on me. This is the kind of stuff I have dealt with for over 20 yrs. NO ONE ever apologizes to me. If my husband gets mad and calls them out on their behavior, they will apologize to him. In a way my husband thinks this is good enough. I dont feel they are sorry. Its just another ride on the roller coaster.

Im pretty much the walking womb that delivered their favorite grandson/nephew. My husband has stepped up and told them to knock it off and if they dont, he will cut them off. The hens settle down, get fake with me again and then I wait for the other shoe to drop, which it usually does. Who knows, I might have an attitude or not eat something the right way at some point or god forbid do something like take a vacation with my mother (ya that apparently is a big no no). I totally understand why you would want to cut off your in-laws. I chose to hang in there because I see the enjoyment my child has being around my in-laws. My family are very aloof and dont get together much where my in-laws are a large family, loud and have many parties. It really does suck being the odd man out and I had hopes years ago that maybe things would be different but it hasnt changed and probably never will. Now that we live away from everyone I dont see them as much. Its kind of nice but then its not. When we make trips back to our hometown, I find that we end up spending time apart. My husband takes my son and sees his family and I end up spending time with my mom. My son is a teenager now and the distance I have with my in-laws is getting greater all the time. I really dont have any solid solution, I have just been winging it for years. I think your husband needs to step up and tell them when behavior isnt appropriate this will **** them off but your husband needs to step up and defend you if he isn't. I wish you luck.

Wow, does this sound familiar. It does suck and it also hurts.

[Magic78]

Ok....time to put this discussion to rest..l