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Your husband should have your back and be supporting you when his parents say and do the things they do. I don't think it would be healthy to keep the children away from their grandparents entirely. I would limit the visits to twice a year. Your husband should tell them that, as well as that they really need to get a hotel room when they come visit. I know how crazy it can get with kids and visitors in the house. Tell them they will be more comfortable there. Maybe they can be convinced to stay in a motel without you having to bring up the way they do not pick up after themselves etc. Since they live in a different state you could always plan a few days to meet somewhere in the middle. One thing though, if they are telling your children bad things about you, that is a whole new issue. I would not allow the kids to visit if they are cutting you down to your children.
Yes, your husband should have your back but after 10 years, do you think it's going to happen? They are his parents. You don't like them. They don't like you. But the children are not pawns in this game.
If you make your husband choose, the repercussion will be far greater than realizing that you can't make other people change. You can only change you.
Your children should have every opportunity to get to know their grandparents. And if you attempt to influence them to dislike Gram and Gramp, you're doing them a disservice that may come back to haunt you.
I agree that it's annoying to have visitors who don't pick up after themselves, but these are your husband's parents. Surely you can stand it for a few days. Would you be willing to pick up after your own parents? No, I didn't say your folks were slobs, I just asked what you would be willing to do for your own that you don't want to do for hubs' family.
Thy people shall be my people. (Doesn't say I have to like them)
Thanks for the constructive replies. I have mandated that they are staying at a hotel the next time they come out. This is our house, and I won't host rude, impolite people and make myself nuts. My husband can take the kids and meet them places. I'm sure they will be here at some point but hopefully I can be conveniently gone. The main problem with that plan is that I'm not around my kids that much for a few days. The kids are still really young, and this can be confusing for them.
Hmmm... Not one mention on whether or not your in-laws love your children or how they treat their grandchildren. I'm guessing they're normal, loving grandparents or you would have started by saying, "My inlaws hate my kids and it's breaking my heart." You started with, "I really despise my inlaws". (So this is about you. Not about them. Get it? They just have to love your kids. Not you.)
How many people do your kids have in their lives who love them? So many that they can afford to loose two?
The more love the better. All grandparents if given the chance will grow to know and love their grandchildren..Myself as an older man can not wait for my first grandson to arrive in the country. There will be joy in my life - the world will be brighter with the bright eyes of an angel in the house....Love will conquer all...The part that is positive- the more the grandparents fall in love with the grand kids- the more you will have in common with them- They might get to know you better and vise versa...and may even grow to love you...
Thanks for the constructive replies. I have mandated that they are staying at a hotel the next time they come out. This is our house, and I won't host rude, impolite people and make myself nuts. My husband can take the kids and meet them places. I'm sure they will be here at some point but hopefully I can be conveniently gone. The main problem with that plan is that I'm not around my kids that much for a few days. The kids are still really young, and this can be confusing for them.
I don't know that the "They arrive, I leave" is a good precedent to set. Are you sure that's the way that you want things to be? Is this the "normal" that you want your kids to get used to? You don't have to say anything negative about them, or they about you, for the kids to pick up on how you really feel about each other. And you're right, those would be some confusing messages for your kids.
Could you stand to be around them for one meal at a restaurant? Remember these are your husband's parents and your children's grandparents. Start small, see how things go and, who knows, maybe you'll find that they aren't so bad after all.
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. But one thing that jumped out at me from the original post was the very first sentence:
I really despise my inlaws.
This is probably pretty obvious to your inlaws AND to your children AND to your husband (who is thus put in the middle) and that in and of itself contributes to the bad situation. How long has this been the case? Did you like them before the marriage, or did you marry your husband in spite of them?
Clearly they have responsibility in this situation, but your attitude (which only you can change) of despising them can't be helping. As someone said, wisely, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. I'm going to recommend, for your own sanity, reading a book, Dance of Angerby Harriet Lerner. It gives wise advice about dealing with situations like these and changes you can make in your own reactions to things (no one says it's easy, but BOY is it worth it, I can tell you from personal experience) that can lead to the changes you want to see or, if not, make it much easier for you to cope with the realities as an adult. I practically had to be forced to read it when I was in a very difficult period, and now I try to let people in similar situations know about it.
Not that it should ever get to this point but Grand parents have legal rights to visitation, It would take something very serious and a court to deny those rights.
Also you should be trying to mend fences with them for your children's sake not act like this is all about you.
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. But one thing that jumped out at me from the original post was the very first sentence:
I really despise my inlaws.
This is probably pretty obvious to your inlaws AND to your children AND to your husband (who is thus put in the middle) and that in and of itself contributes to the bad situation. How long has this been the case? Did you like them before the marriage, or did you marry your husband in spite of them?
Clearly they have responsibility in this situation, but your attitude (which only you can change) of despising them can't be helping. As someone said, wisely, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. I'm going to recommend, for your own sanity, reading a book, Dance of Angerby Harriet Lerner. It gives wise advice about dealing with situations like these and changes you can make in your own reactions to things (no one says it's easy, but BOY is it worth it, I can tell you from personal experience) that can lead to the changes you want to see or, if not, make it much easier for you to cope with the realities as an adult. I practically had to be forced to read it when I was in a very difficult period, and now I try to let people in similar situations know about it.
I agree with you. My in-laws have always lived quite a ways away from us. The closest was two hours, and we NEVER saw them when we lived there. Anyway, a visit was always 4-5 days of torture for me. They bring their other children who are unmarried and don't work. They camp out at our house, eat an absurd amount of food ($300-$500 worth), leave garbage laying around, and leave their shoes on while they traipse across the carpet. My FIL once took a pair of my good oven mitts and used them to heat a metal ring and bend into a new shape (please don't ask). He didn't ask me, he didn't apologize, and he didn't replace the oven mitts, which were, in fact, ruined. This was the same day that he "fixed" our guest bed by drilling holes into the frame. I was livid.
Believe me, OP, I really do get it. My in-laws (all of them) are extremely religious. My MIL gave me a lecture about the need to homeschool to keep children safe from the evils of the world even though we didn't have kids. I have always maintained that if my in-laws (any of them) ever tell our kid that I'm going to hell or the kid is or anything remotely like that, there will be a come-to-Jesus talk (pun intended). I don't want anyone to indoctrinate or traumatize my kid. Those are grounds, IMO, for denying access.
My husband and I have gone through therapy to deal with his family issues, and it has been very helpful. That's why I'm suggesting it to you. Through therapy and just as a result of aging and maturing, I have adopted TexasHorseLady's POV. I will never, ever change the inconsiderate nature of my in-laws, their gorging on free food, or their hypersensitivity to religion; but I can change my attitude. We have boundaries. When we live in apartments, they have to go to hotels. When we own a house, they stay with us for no more than 5 days. I don't work so ordinarily I'd be trapped with them, but I know that they drive me batty so I plan events with friends on days 3 and 4. I exercise. I take long baths and try to take care of myself.
OP, I shared this just to give you a little hope, perhaps. It is possible to cope with difficult people. There has to be something good about your in-laws. Their raising created a man who loves his wife and son, who is respectful to his parents, and who is a successful human being. Try to focus on that. I know how difficult it can be. I really do. Maybe just some space, some online venting, and some therapy would make a huge difference. I wish you well, sincerely.
I mean during holidays or whatever let him take the kids and you stay home or go where you want. It's the best situation I feel.
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