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The parents are the gatekeepers here. Anyone who dislikes either of the parents is potentially psychologically damaging. I not believe any relative has a right to have a relationship with a child unless they can refrain from speaking badly about the child's parent.
If they can't -they are TOXIC. If they are warned and they can stop, then they were just trying to be annoying.
I warned a relative about this 16 yrs ago and explained firmly the consequences. No trash talking -or no relationship.
As a same person, he took the latter option. Case closed.
I agree that they should not speak badly about either parent to the children. This can be made a rule, but why? For the good of the children, not because it's all about the mother.
If it was a parent or grandparent that you took this stand with 16 years ago, and that was the only issue, then, you know what? YOU may be fine and dandy, but you certainly didn't do it for the good of the child or children in question. I hear a lot of "me, me, me" in your advice, and precious little about the welfare of the children.
When my husband and I first got together, they were welcoming. The day we told them that we were planning to get engaged and celebrate both sets of holidays with our furure kids, you would have thought I killed them. Instead of being mad and disappointed with their son for choosing a woman outside of their religion, they hated me, blamed me, couldn't believe I wouldn't convert, etc. They are not religious at all, so it made no sense.
They were on the phone screaming at my husband when we went to get our marriage license a month before our wedding.
The relationship was beyond repair from the beginning.
It sounds like you made your mind up years ago. I find it very sad that you seem to feel it's "beyond repair". Very few things are really beyond repair unless one wants them to be. Remember you are 1/2 the equation here.
When my husband and I first got together, they were welcoming. The day we told them that we were planning to get engaged and celebrate both sets of holidays with our furure kids, you would have thought I killed them. Instead of being mad and disappointed with their son for choosing a woman outside of their religion, they hated me, blamed me, couldn't believe I wouldn't convert, etc. They are not religious at all, so it made no sense.
They were on the phone screaming at my husband when we went to get our marriage license a month before our wedding.
The relationship was beyond repair from the beginning.
I wonder if part of it is that they thought that you were "taking their son away from them" (by saying that you would celebrate the holidays with your childrenand not with them before you had children or were even married) instead of "joining their family" and "adding" to their family.
My extended family gets together quite often but there isn't something "magic" about Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day or Easter Sunday to us. Occasionally we celebrate the holiday a week early or a week late if a lot of the family has other commitments. In fact this year we had a HUGE Christmas celebration with people coming in from 7 or 8 states and it was held in mid-August.
Most families are not like my family. They feel that celebrating the holidays with them shows how much you love them. Think about how many young married couples end up eating two Thanksgiving dinners or rush between both sets of parents on Christmas Day?
Maybe your in-laws thought that you were the one that decided that their son wouldn't be with them on special days/important holidays. You said that they were welcoming at first. Could this be how some of the problems started?
By celebrating the holidays, meaning we would celebrate Easter and Passover, for example. We wouldn't exclude either holiday. Nothing about where we would celebrate or with whom.
1. I agree with maciesmom that taking the position that the relationship is dead, in the absence of a truly egregious incendent, is very sad to me. I haven't read anything yet that changes my initial position.
2. As a response to gremaine, some people are blinded by their faith to the point that they will disown family members for marrying outside the faith. It is both sad and disgusting to me. My best friend was disowned by members of her family for marrying an atheist. I thought she was exaggerating, but when that part of the family failed to attend and failed to send cards, I knew it was true. Some people, a minority I hope, are completely irrational about such things. Who knows? I still feel like we're not getting at the whole story. I'm not seeing anything worth yanking the kids out of GM's and GP's lives.
By beyond repair, I mean we are never going to be that happy, everybody loves everybody family. You can't reject somebody completely based on religion then expect them to forget about it.
On a funny note, my husband never, ever dated somebody from his own religion. The writing was on the wall, so they really shouldn't have been surprised.
By beyond repair, I mean we are never going to be that happy, everybody loves everybody family. You can't reject somebody completely based on religion then expect them to forget about it.
Don't take this personally! They would have rejected any other person of the "wrong" faith, too. It's not about you, it never was. It's about their disappointment with their son and their feeling that he is going against "his" (their) faith by choosing you over what he was brought up to believe.
Just try to realize where they're coming from and give them time. They'll come around. That doesn't mean you have to hang around them for long stretches or that you have to put up with any abuse from them.
But do make an effort. It'll be worth your time in the long run.
You don't have to make an effort. You don't like them and they may not like you. It is what it is. Now if they want to see your children then that's something you will have to discuss with your partner but you shouldn't feel any pressure to have a relationship with them. You won't benefit from it at all when you consistently point the barrel of a gun at you.
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