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I still don't see why someone who was not inclined to blame others before would become so bitter and inclined to blame them in their 30's but I'll defer to your more experienced judgement here. The people I meet IRL seem to either be inclined to blame others or not inclined to blame others. While I do see them move from blaming others to accepting responsibility for themselves, I don't think I've ever seen anyone go the other way but that's just my, limited, experience.
I have a sister who has always blamed everyone else. My dh has always blamed everyone else (into his 50's which is really pathetic but he crawled into a bottle in his teens and only crawled out because he was about to lose the kids but that's another story.). Dd#1 blames everyone else (she is her father's daughter and is in therapy in the hope she will not fall into substance abuse.). My mom was not a blamer. I'm not a blamer. Dd#2 is not a blamer. 5 of my siblings are not blamers. I just don't see non blamers moving to the blame game camp. People there seem to have always been there. I think dd#1's first words were "It's not my fault.", lol. She feels judged by things that would roll off of her sisters back like water off of a duck. It's like it's part of who they are and has been from an age young enough that I suspect it's something they're, genetically, inclined to do.
I know some folks who are "blamers" as well. I agree there is usually a personality component there. In my personal life, I try to avoid them like the plague. I have also worked with folks who aren't blaming per se when they come to realizations later in life, but are working through the anger/sadness and cause and effect that might be more developmentally normative to occur earlier in life, if that makes sense. Just as a fun fact, some folks who seem to have a pattern of blaming can get past that with some good therapy, I have seen that happen, as well.
In completely nonscientific terms, human brains are quirky. IME, we have a very strong self-preservation instinct and sometimes that plays out in not coming to certain realizations until we are equipped to deal with them. For some people that is at 20, for others at 50, for others it doesn't seem to happen at all. I also think it depends on the issue and the function of dealing or not dealing with it at any given point in time. We can cajole, or push, or guide, but people (including you and I) are going to come to certain realizations when they are ready to and not a second before. YMMV.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 10-21-2012 at 09:40 AM..
I agree. But here's the thing - your parents are who they are. That's really all there is to it. They did what they did because that's what they do, and it's really difficult to be something you aren't. In their minds, they were doing the right thing. That doesn't excuse them, but it's too late for that anyway.
You either make peace with that within yourself or you don't. They don't have any power over you anymore.
I agree. But here's the thing - your parents are who they are. That's really all there is to it. They did what they did because that's what they do, and it's really difficult to be something you aren't. In their minds, they were doing the right thing. That doesn't excuse them, but it's too late for that anyway.
You either make peace with that within yourself or you don't. They don't have any power over you anymore.
While I don't disagree with this statement, does it leave room for self introspection, learning from our parents' mistakes and validation of our feelings?
Thanks for all the replies. My therapist is helping me to forgive, but it's not easy and it's a hard slog. If I came over to your house and threw your kid off the balcony not once but 27 times, would you forgive me? I think not.
In addition, what is truly disturbing to me is that my brother is following in the footsteps of my parents. I always thought "history is bound to repeat itself" was a cliche, but it's very true. My brother is now raising his kids exactly how we were raised. It's so sad as I have to sit and watch my nieces and nephews go through what we did as kids. It's amazing that my brother, who is very educated, would be so blind as to not realize he is doing what our parents did to us.
In addition, this notion that parents should be given a pass on bad parenting because they "love you" is malarkey. Love should never be used to excuse emotional (or any other) abuse.
I think I missed the part in the original post about being thrown off the balcony 27 times-if that really happened then yes, you were abused and glad to hear you are getting help. If you are just using that as a hypothetical, that does not sound like what the original post said. Perhaps you took it as being thrown off the balcony but you were actually jumping off the balcony to try to get away(act out), in which point, your parents thought you needed more structure, strict rules or discipline.
In any case, if you do not have kids, you should not judge how your brother is raising his own kids; that is a job that only he and their mother can do. All you should be at this point is the fun loving aunt to his kids.
Good luck to you and you are probably making a wise choice at this point in your life, to not have kids.
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I have also worked with folks who aren't blaming per se when they come to realizations later in life, but are working through the anger/sadness and cause and effect that might be more developmentally normative to occur earlier in life, if that makes sense. Just as a fun fact, some folks who seem to have a pattern of blaming can get past that with some good therapy, I have seen that happen, as well.
IME, we have a very strong self-preservation instinct and sometimes that plays out in not coming to certain realizations until we are equipped to deal with them. For some people that is at 20, for others at 50, for others it doesn't seem to happen at all. I also think it depends on the issue and the function of dealing or not dealing with it at any given point in time. We can cajole, or push, or guide, but people (including you and I) are going to come to certain realizations when they are ready to and not a second before. YMMV.
