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Carry on as if nothing happened?
Confront the mother for adultery?
Keep the child out of the affair?
Should the man be allowed to walk out without being legally responsible? Cause that ain't how it works in many states.
One thing for sure, as a step-child I sure got treated differently than my half-sibling, even if the man knew what he was getting into. Is it fair for me to criticize my former legal guardian for this or is this behavior something to be expected?
Very few people are truly capable of doing it truly right and they generally require full support of the other, biological parent, if they want to succeed in it.
Thuse the occurrence of more common neglect, mistreatment or outright violence towards the step-child is very, VERY common. And it's not just that it exists in fairy tales, any observing person can confirm this.
I'd just want to tell it before someone brings the argument of "what if 10 years pass"... - this thing should not even happen because people should ensure it doesn't happen. Only way to do it is to have a paternity test. Since mandatory paternity testing won't happen in our lifetimes due to various reasons (bottom line is the treatment of male population as expendable and of nobody's concern in general), and since legislation and shaming practices are undeniable, only way to do it is to resort to anonymous testing. Googling the options and finding best way to go is thus responsibility of every guy, because society will rather bash them and punish them even further, not help them.
Resorting to testing when you can't change your fate because of legislation is like resorting to not cross the street before the truck runs you over. You're already the victim and legislation won't even allow you to change that, like it or not. You're tricked and destroyed for life long ago when you decided to be the fool and not test your child. A classical cuckold isn't the guy who knew of an affair when the child was born, but a guy who either never suspected it or he has some doubt on behavior but was ashamed to ask for testing. Paternity testing should be a standard, modern procedure on determining paternity, no questions asked. And it should be the mothers insisting on it and doing the tests for their husbands, if we use any logic of trust. Too bad that nobody cares for fathers anyways, so you'll have to care about yourself instead.
It's for the betterment of those children as well, but especially you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
Your post is exactly the point of my argument in the other thread... what good is gonna come out of the paternity thing.... so you're dad has been your dad for all your live.... he finds out your not his bio kid... he may, just may, resent the hell out of you, maybe not, but if he does you would feel it....just as I bolded your very own statement...... why should you as the kid be treated differently... is that fair to you..... I say no..... it's not....
Keep the kid out of the affair..... either try and keep the marriage going or split, but don't treat the kid like some kind of god damn pariah......
Is that fair to the kid, as in was it fair to you to be treated differently than you half siblings... and that is just a step dad.... imagine if it was the situation we've been talking about... how much different he might have treated you....
Why is this subject so hard for some people to get..... I'm not even a bleeding heart libby and I can't understand the coldness I've seen in these threads.....
He didn't "find out"... he KNEW that because he was his step-parent. There's a huge difference.
Very few people are truly capable of doing it truly right and they generally require full support of the other, biological parent, if they want to succeed in it.
Thuse the occurrence of more common neglect, mistreatment or outright violence towards the step-child is very, VERY common. And it's not just that it exists in fairy tales, any observing person can confirm this.
I'd just want to tell it before someone brings the argument of "what if 10 years pass"... - this thing should not even happen because people should ensure it doesn't happen. Only way to do it is to have a paternity test. Since mandatory paternity testing won't happen in our lifetimes due to various reasons (bottom line is the treatment of male population as expendable and of nobody's concern in general), and since legislation and shaming practices are undeniable, only way to do it is to resort to anonymous testing. Googling the options and finding best way to go is thus responsibility of every guy, because society will rather bash them and punish them even further, not help them.
Resorting to testing when you can't change your fate because of legislation is like resorting to not cross the street before the truck runs you over. You're already the victim and legislation won't even allow you to change that, like it or not. You're tricked and destroyed for life long ago when you decided to be the fool and not test your child. A classical cuckold isn't the guy who knew of an affair when the child was born, but a guy who either never suspected it or he has some doubt on behavior but was ashamed to ask for testing. Paternity testing should be a standard, modern procedure on determining paternity, no questions asked. And it should be the mothers insisting on it and doing the tests for their husbands, if we use any logic of trust. Too bad that nobody cares for fathers anyways, so you'll have to care about yourself instead.
It's for the betterment of those children as well, but especially you.
He didn't "find out"... he KNEW that because he was his step-parent. There's a huge difference.
LOL... I did catch where you called me 'persistent'.... LOL, it's OK, wasn't a direct insult, although I did get the tone behind it.
Yes, when I perceive negativity toward kids, I will argue my point, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered responding so much, most of the time I can just let people who irk me roll right off of my back.
I really don't give much of a rip otherwise, the sad fact is that no matter what topic you see on CD some people are gonna differ in opinion
I've actually made some comments about "cute little kittens" and have had people attack me... done it on purpose just to see, and yep....they did....... the problem with anonymity of the Internet , people feel free to be rude... not saying this to you, I'm just mean generically....
The man will be having no options. Unless the options he considers are:
1. going into rage and killing the mother and the child
2. walking away and being struck with child support anyways, and further alienation of the child he raised, thus being destroyed both economically and emotionally even further.
He is literally destroyed and punished even further by having no choice or control over anything and he has to collect all his strength to "man up" after something that is completely life-devastating happened to him and that will affect him forever, and will leave consequences even after his death. Worst part is the feeling that the perpetrator is someone you trusted completely and they completely destroyed you, yet they'll get away with it because system will reward them while punishing you even further.
This is why I argued - NOBODY should allow even remote chance for that to happen, because they don't have to. There are ways to deal with it easily and he should do it. He just needs to "man up" when it's the right time, to do it on birth, for his own convenience. Mother should be out of it completely, because doing it "legally" is not going to be an option for a guy who isn't having strong reasons to do the testing - and a cuckold is a guy who generally never suspected it or have very limited suspicions on his wife's behavior. No guy wants to end up cuckolded, after all.
LOL... I did catch where you called me 'persistent'.... LOL, it's OK, wasn't a direct insult, although I did get the tone behind it.
Yes, when I perceive negativity toward kids, I will argue my point, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered responding so much, most of the time I can just let people who irk me roll right off of my back.
I really don't give much of a rip otherwise, the sad fact is that no matter what topic you see on CD some people are gonna differ in opinion
I've actually made some comments about "cute little kittens" and have had people attack me... done it on purpose just to see, and yep....they did....... the problem with anonymity of the Internet , people feel free to be rude... not saying this to you, I'm just mean generically....
Yep, I wanted to avoid baiting that the word "persistent" brings. So I edited it.
But yes, step-father and cuckold are never going to be the same, ever. Not even close. Two different universes.
Depends on how long you've been the kids non-biological dad. if it's been a long time, I'd hope you'd react in a way to not upset the child you've come to care for, and most likely get some way attached to. Whether or not you stay after that is up to the individual, and something I wouldn't judge because circumstances/etc.
if it hasn't been very long, I wouldn't have qualms with a poor reaction. Honestly, if you're not and weren't invested long and the kid is not yours, only the smallest bit of common decency need apply. It's harsh, yes. But there is a reason most people will do a lot more for their own kids than a complete stranger they have just met...
If it were me, i'd stick around like nothing happened if I'd been raising the kid long enough. if it was just a short time and I wasn't even married though, i'd call it quits the same day.
The man will be having no options. Unless the options he considers are:
1. going into rage and killing the mother and the child
2. walking away and being struck with child support anyways, and further alienation of the child he raised, thus being destroyed both economically and emotionally even further.
He is literally punished and he has to collect all his strength to "man up" after something that is completely life-devastating happened to him and that will affect him forever, and will leave consequences even after his death. Worst part is the feeling that the perpetrator is someone you trusted completely and they completely destroyed you, yet they'll get away with it because system will reward them while punishing you even further.
I've heard horror stories, let me tell you..... You guys hammered me pretty good and I think you missed my main points..... you're just seeing it thru the eyes of the husband....
As a man, yes to find out you're wife cheated on you and now you have another mans kid.... trust me I get it... I'm not living in friggin fantasy land.....
The law makes it the husbands responsibility because the state doesn't want to have to pick up the tab for raising the kid... plain simple... not a difficult thing to understand there... and hell yeah, I would be upset.... I'm all about making sure some innocent child doesn't have to pay the bill for the moms mistakes...... that is my only point... do you, as I've said before... do you look a little girl in the face, one you thought was your own for yrs and yrs and do you look her in the face and tell her you're not "daddy".... and she has to go away to some other "stranger" that was the sperm donor.........
The law makes it the husbands responsibility because the state doesn't want to have to pick up the tab for raising the kid... plain simple... not a difficult thing to understand there...
I'd just take a second to point out that the law significantly more complicated than that in most instances. It varies by state of course, but there are many variables that can come into play as far as establishing on going parental responsibility.
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