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I know you think it's noble she doesn't want child support. Maybe it would be after she gets her teaching degree and has a job with benefits that can provide security for her daughter. Benefits like short and long term disability, life insurance, and that type of real security.
But she's currently an impoverished single mother. Forgoing child support is not noble. It's not fair to the child. As a mother, her responsibility is to secure as many resources as she can for her child to not live in poverty. You and your husband helping doesn't count. It's great that you're doing this for her, but it doesn't relieve her of the responsibility to secure child support.
It's not weird people expect it of her, especially when she's receiving social services like medical assistance. I'm a full supporter of social services, but they should be a last resort after all assets are exhausted and income is collected. Surely you must realize how it sounds when you say she wants nothing from him while she's taking from taxpayers.
Just some food for thought.
True. The child support is the child's, not the mother's. She really doesn't have the right to deny her child financial support from the father. I do think she has the right to negotiate a lower amount at least at times so he can also have something because there are essentials like food, housing, health insurance and there are extras.
I had to give my daughter a reality check. I had to basically explain to her that if she doesn't like how he or his family act and things they do, tough. She chose this entire situation.
Getting angry and dwelling on things regarding them is energy draining and does no good. It just takes energy away from the baby. I told her that what's important to her is very secondary to what's best for the baby.
Basically, suck it up. There are no easy answers. This is life and her job is to make it the best it can be for the baby. It's going to take hard work and sacrifice but get used to it. That's how life is.
I don't sugarcoat things with my girls.
Now me on the other hand, I get angry and stew. I know, I know, pot meet kettle. That's what this thread is for.
Back when she was making the decision, you wouldn't get involved and didn't give her advice or your opinion even when she asked for it. You said it's for her to figure out. Aside from that meeting you had when you told them what it would cost, you were really tip toing around giving her advice and you pretty much kept your mouth shut after she broke up with him.
You bit your tongue about his family instead of pointing out she would have to deal with his father and their drama all her life if she chose to have the baby. Go read your posts from back then. You purposely didn't say one word about the way he or his family acts or the things they do.
A 19 year old might understand the financial struggle and the personal sacrifice of raising a child, but there's no way she could have known the legal details of sharing a child with an ex and the complications that could result unless someone told her.
What you're telling her now is good advice, but I don't think it's fair to tell her she "chose this entire situation." She wasn't fully informed when she made the choice. Please don't throw her choice in her face. Your grandparents might have said the same thing to your mother. Move past the choice. It's long gone and over with. Throwing it in her face can cause resentment and regret.
Back when she was making the decision, you wouldn't get involved and didn't give her advice or your opinion even when she asked for it. You said it's for her to figure out. Aside from that meeting you had when you told them what it would cost, you were really tip toing around giving her advice and you pretty much kept your mouth shut after she broke up with him.
You bit your tongue about his family instead of pointing out she would have to deal with his father and their drama all her life if she chose to have the baby. Go read your posts from back then. You purposely didn't say one word about the way he or his family acts or the things they do.
A 19 year old might understand the financial struggle and the personal sacrifice of raising a child, but there's no way she could have known the legal details of sharing a child with an ex and the complications that could result unless someone told her.
What you're telling her now is good advice, but I don't think it's fair to tell her she "chose this entire situation." She wasn't fully informed when she made the choice. Please don't throw her choice in her face. Your grandparents might have said the same thing to your mother. Move past the choice. It's long gone and over with. Throwing it in her face can cause resentment and regret.
But remember -- back then, the boy's father would have probabaly taken custody of the baby if they could have done it -- adoption may not have been a choice because the father wouldn't have to also sign the papers and then he'd have custody of the child.
You can't tell a mother it would have been better to have her child killed because there are some issues that need to be worked out.
There is a sweet baby - and there are some issues to deal with.
Back when she was making the decision, you wouldn't get involved and didn't give her advice or your opinion even when she asked for it. You said it's for her to figure out. Aside from that meeting you had when you told them what it would cost, you were really tip toing around giving her advice and you pretty much kept your mouth shut after she broke up with him.
You bit your tongue about his family instead of pointing out she would have to deal with his father and their drama all her life if she chose to have the baby. Go read your posts from back then. You purposely didn't say one word about the way he or his family acts or the things they do.
A 19 year old might understand the financial struggle and the personal sacrifice of raising a child, but there's no way she could have known the legal details of sharing a child with an ex and the complications that could result unless someone told her.
What you're telling her now is good advice, but I don't think it's fair to tell her she "chose this entire situation." She wasn't fully informed when she made the choice. Please don't throw her choice in her face. Your grandparents might have said the same thing to your mother. Move past the choice. It's long gone and over with. Throwing it in her face can cause resentment and regret.
You don't know how many times we told her that she will be dealing with all of them for the next 20 years. The response was "I know".
I told her the options. Pros and cons of each.
When one is adult enough to decide to have a child, they need to be adult enough to deal with the ramifications of their decisions.
Part of that discussion was the very real possibility they would not remain together. Again "I know" from both.
I never threw it in her face. Don't assume. I reminded her that this was her decision.
I couldn't possibly warn her of this. I have no experience with it. None at all.
My mom didn't deal with any of this. My father was completely out of the picture until I was 17 and out of the house. I am still with my husband. No issues there to reflect on and relay advice from.
The fact remains that she is in her current position and can only control herself. She needs to focus on what she is doing and not them. That's the best I have for her.
She tried making her sisters feel bad if they don't want to watch the baby while she's at work. No way. Not happening and reality check time for sure. They don't mind the occasional but to watch her all day several days on end is not their responsibility.
You can't tell a mother it would have been better to have her child killed because there are some issues that need to be worked out.
There is a sweet baby - and there are some issues to deal with.
You sure misinterpreted my entire post!
Jersey is the one who is basically implying that when she says, "You chose this entire situation."
I'm saying to not say that! The choice is in the past. Don't mention the choice. It implies a different road could/should have been taken. Just focus on the issues that need to be dealt with. No good can come from dredging up the choice.
Jersey is the one who is basically implying that when she says, "You chose this entire situation."
I'm saying to not say that! The choice is in the past. Don't mention the choice. It implies a different road could/should have been taken. Just focus on the issues that need to be dealt with. No good can come from dredging up the choice.
There's nothing wrong with reminding someone, when things get rough, that they made a commitment. It's not how you start it's how you finish that matters.
I never threw it in her face. Don't assume. I reminded her that this was her decision.
I feel it's a big mistake to bring up the decision.
Say "this is your responsibility" instead of "you chose this entire situation."
It's no big deal you said it once. I just fear you might say it again and wanted to warn against it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
The fact remains that she is in her current position and can only control herself. She needs to focus on what she is doing and not them. That's the best I have for her.
She tried making her sisters feel bad if they don't want to watch the baby while she's at work. No way. Not happening and reality check time for sure. They don't mind the occasional but to watch her all day several days on end is not their responsibility.
This is great advice. She'll need lots of guidance in this regard because she's going to want to escape.
Jersey is the one who is basically implying that when she says, "You chose this entire situation."
I'm saying to not say that! The choice is in the past. Don't mention the choice. It implies a different road could/should have been taken. Just focus on the issues that need to be dealt with. No good can come from dredging up the choice.
I agree with that -- throwing up anything from the past isn't going to be helpful. It's about choices that need to be made now and in the future. The "I told you so" won't accomplish anything. Even in the past, the OP could not tell much to an adult child who was determined to do it her way. The OP was also very conscientious about teaching about birth control, that was another choice the young mother made all on her own not to use.
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