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The 12 year old sees her Dad for 48 hrs every other weekend. I don't understand why he doesn't designate that time to be with her and her only. Bringing in your girlfriend and sleeping with her is so sad. It should've been the daughter in bed with her father due to such reduced hours they have together, if anything.
For the girlfriend to spend time with the child outside of those 48 hours is an EXCELLENT idea. Best post ever! The issue is, I don't think she'll put fourth the effort. She calls herself the Fiance yet only sees him weekends though it should be every other weekend due to his obligation to his daughter.
But yes, to want to get to know the daughter as a person herself is key. I suspect this relationship won't last for various reasons though. Hopefully whatever the end result, it is the best for everyone involved.
My fiance has a 12 yo daughter who talks back or argues every time you say something to her. She is extremely disrespectful and frequently calls her dad stupid. She interrupts adults talking, whines and complains if she doesn't get her way, and screeches every morning when she is woken up. We just went to DC together on a much-anticipated spring break. She complained loudly (even after a clear instruction of expectations was given) because she was cold and tired, and it was snowing. This went on the whole time her Grandpa, a Vietnam Vet, was seeing the Vietnam Memorial for the first time. If she doesn't have her nose in her phone or computer, she doesn't know how to survive. She ignores rules and doesn't care if she gets caught. In the hotel room one night, we told her several times to turn off her phone. She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues since she is ADHD and Asberger, but she is able to behave at school and church, so I feel she is capable of also behaving well at home. She lies, yells at anyone trying to talk to her (including grandparents) and is constantly putting us in danger of being kicked out of hotels or restaurants. Her behavior gets me upset the first 15 minutes into being around her. Am I overreacting to this behavior?
The reason she behaves at school and church, is because the adults there have laid down the law and then enforced it. You're getting yourself into a real predicament, if you get hitched to her father and he continues to be an apologist for her behavior. I can see a war in your house being fought, if she sees you as a rival for his attention.
And then there's the possibility that her antics may be an effort on her part, to drive you away, so she won't have you for a rival.
I will insist on some sort of counseling before we move forward with marriage. I need to know there's a plan in place and to see consistently better behavior from her as well as consistent consequences from her dad.
Just to clear up a few things:
The trip was planned by me and I paid for me and my two daughters' part of everything
The grandparents tried numerous times talking with her and my fiance, and the grandmother's one point told her her behavior was going to ruin everything
Her mother sees her every other weekend. She has had her other daughter removed from her custody several times.
My fiance is awesome with my kids, and they adore him. They have a great relationship.
My fiance and I have so much in common, and I can really see myself growing old with him. I guess I just have to be aware his daughter may always be with us if she can't get on a better track.
I appreciate all the advice and input!
A child not responding to Dad when he asks her to stop texting is not atrocious behavior. It is of a 12 yr old and not uncommon. If this is that offensive, if I were you, I wouldn't date ANYONE with children. Have your own maybe
Did you read the OP's entire first post? It was more than her ignoring him when he told her to stop texting. The rest of what she posted WAS atrocious behavior. And don't worry about my dating life - I've got it all under control but thanks for your concern.
I will insist on some sort of counseling before we move forward with marriage. I need to know there's a plan in place and to see consistently better behavior from her as well as consistent consequences from her dad.
Just to clear up a few things:
The trip was planned by me and I paid for me and my two daughters' part of everything
The grandparents tried numerous times talking with her and my fiance, and the grandmother's one point told her her behavior was going to ruin everything
Her mother sees her every other weekend. She has had her other daughter removed from her custody several times.
My fiance is awesome with my kids, and they adore him. They have a great relationship.
My fiance and I have so much in common, and I can really see myself growing old with him. I guess I just have to be aware his daughter may always be with us if she can't get on a better track.
I appreciate all the advice and input!
Have you had time to get to know his daughter one on one?
Since your fiance is great with your kids do you think that his daughter would be opposed to get to know you without dad around?
I think she is going to need to know that even though her family is expanding with the addition of you and your kids she isn't going to be pushed out. She is going to need to be shown that the family wants her around when she isn't there for the weekend.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald
The reason she behaves at school and church, is because the adults there have laid down the law and then enforced it. You're getting yourself into a real predicament, if you get hitched to her father and he continues to be an apologist for her behavior. I can see a war in your house being fought, if she sees you as a rival for his attention.
And then there's the possibility that her antics may be an effort on her part, to drive you away, so she won't have you for a rival.
I'm not sure that's true. A lot of children behave well in some environments and behave very badly in others.
One of my dearest friends had a child with sensory issues and possibly Aspergers (not diagnosed, but seems likely) who was impossible to be around at home. Almost anything would "set him off" - clothing textures, food textures, someone moving around so he couldn't "hear" the TV, something between his fingers, socks bothered him, the car was too loud, an hour didn't go by without him melting down.
But away from his family, he was fine. His teacher, in a 504, reported he was never a behavior problem.
Some kids force themselves to keep it together in public and they just can't all the time. It's likely she's venting with family because she feels free to.
But yes, I do agree with the last sentence. She may feel threatened by a girlfriend of her fathers, and can't take one more loss in her life.
911 what is your emergency?
My fathers girlfriend overpowered me to get my phone. I am 12 years old.
What exactly happened when she overpowered you, did she get physical and did you try to resist?
She first ordered me not to use my own telephone.
Yes. She got physical. It was in my hand and she grabbed or lundged at me for it. I pulled back and she was stronger/faster than I was.
What happened then?
...whatever happened in detail- the physical part
Are you hurt?
I don't think so. No. (unless she was, that wasn't mentioned)
Did you ask for it back?
Yes. For the last hour. She is keeping it
Why did she do this?
She decided I am not allowed to text on my phone
Is your parent there? Is this your babysitter?
No my father is here.
Ok so she is not in any authority over you, she is your fathers girlfriend?
Yes
Yet she is trying to tell you what you can do with the phone, and if you don't comply, she stole it from you?
Exactly
We will send someone right over.
And then they show up, girls exaggerates in describing the incident. CPS gets involved, and the girl may be taken away from his family and brought to a foster family. Maybe OPs own kids get taken away also., since she is now officially a child abuser. She may lose her job. Lose her fiance.
Is that what you think needs to happen? Have more kids in fostercare?
I don't care if your son is a Cop. I've had foster kids that shouldn't have been taken from their home in the first place. Different areas, as I stated, are different in how they handle things.
We are considering becoming foster parents in our new town. Much more relaxed here.
Please don't pretend to know better because you are related to someone in law enforcement. I have personal first hand experience. Even when someone isn't charged, the Cop often will call out CPS to investigate
Not only was my FIL a Cop, but my sister a Sheriffs Dispatcher but that is beside the point
Again, personal experience here.
Kids get falsely taken away ALL THE TIME in our former County. Don't deliberately get into a physical altercation with a child you are not in authority over, and to boot, had no business stealing from or getting physical with, period. Don't wake the sleeping Giant.
That is the safest route to go. Spend time with the child outside of her 48 hrs with Dad every few weeks. Take her to lunch, care ABOUT her FIRST. What I learned as a foster parent is when you care about them as a person FIRST, eventually, you get it back. You learn what is best for them and they extend the olive branch back. That's the norm.
Lol! Says the person that opened up the topic with "my sister is a sheriffs dispatcher". Take your own advice.
And yes, all kids are just randomly taken from parents custody for no good reason.
Please don't foster. These kids are coming from serious situations & they don't need their "new" parent to be this "out there".
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