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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,630 posts, read 17,968,125 times
Reputation: 50652
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
I am a step mom.
My step son, who is 16 owns no personal property. WE do. If we choose to take back his ability to BORROW things like the Xbox or his phone, it is our right and not theft. It is our property.
While I do not necessarily agree that the fiance should be the administering punishments, it is neither assault, nor theft.
I hope when you're old and infirm and needing kindness and support your stepson isn't the only one you have to rely on for that kind of selfless giving. Because you might be completely out of luck.
I hope when you're old and infirm and needing kindness and support your stepson isn't the only one you have to rely on for that kind of selfless giving. Because you might be completely out of luck.
LOL.
He loves me bunches.
Do I expect him to change my diaper or something? No..... I'm sure that thought is disturbing to the both of us.
Actually as he is going through some normal teen troubles, I am the one he talks too. He absolutely trusts me that I will do what I think is in his best interest, even if it makes him mad at me. Maybe in part because I am not a parent, I have a tendency to explain more things to him. Like WHY he has to do chores (preparation for adulthood and work), and not subsist on a diet of ramen noodles, etc.
So what is your thought? If he gets bad grades, we do not have the right to take the xbox because it is "his"?
We are to provide him with love, guidance, medical care, school and all that. Xboxes and phones? That stuff is a privilege, not a right, and that privilege can be lost.
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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,630 posts, read 17,968,125 times
Reputation: 50652
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
LOL.
He loves me bunches.
Do I expect him to change my diaper or something? No..... I'm sure that thought is disturbing to the both of us.
Actually as he is going through some normal teen troubles, I am the one he talks too. He absolutely trusts me that I will do what I think is in his best interest, even if it makes him mad at me. Maybe in part because I am not a parent, I have a tendency to explain more things to him. Like WHY he has to do chores (preparation for adulthood and work), and not subsist on a diet of ramen noodles, etc.
So what is your thought? If he gets bad grades, we do not have the right to take the xbox because it is "his"?
We are to provide him with love, guidance, medical care, school and all that. Xboxes and phones? That stuff is a privilege, not a right, and that privilege can be lost.
I realize what I posted earlier might have been unnecessarily harsh.
What I know, from raising 3 kids, is they need the respect from their parents of ownership of property. They need to have a space that's "theirs", that they can deny siblings entry to. Even if that's only one twin bed and a small dresser full of stuff. They need "their" clothing, and "their toiletries", and "their" backpack, etc. They need to own their own stuff and space.
Telling a child they own nothing at all, which is what you said (but I realize you may not have meant it literally) is treating them like a prisoner. And it will make them feel anxious that they might not have their clothing next week. (Because some parents actually do that - remove clothing).
I don't think it is, but I have someone I can ask, though he is not present at this exact moment.
I think it is unwise for her to be having physical contact like that, or I guess, I would need further information on "pry" to come to a personal decision on the level of "offense."
Discipline should be discussed between the two adults, on how it will be handled, and then their decision should be conveyed to the daughter so she is aware of expectations.
The danger with a non-parent being the main disciplinarian is multi-dimensional. I do not think it is good for the child, the non-parent or the parent, and the marriage in general.
I disagree that she is "nothing", she is an adult and a future step mom. I actually waited for my step son to go all "your not my Mom!", but at this point, I don't think it will ever happen. But if he did.... my answer was "no, but I am an adult in this household, and have a say in how things run and what is acceptable behavior" or something along those lines....
But the main problem is that the OP and fiance disagree with what is acceptable and how things should be. THAT is a huge problem.
Also, I feel that the OP's frustration is misplaced, it should not be towards the child, but towards the father.
the two adults discipline needs to be discussed is within her mother and father. this lady has no clue upon how to handle anyone with asbpergers / ADHD despite claiming a daughter with such diagnosis. What happened, the assault and theft, should never happen again against a child. Sadly calling 911 would've probably been best due to the Op coming back yet showing no remorse. She ignores anyone who discourages her from marrying this guy also. Not to mention the changing story. Children have the right to own things without being told everything they use belongs to their parents. That is horrific, I know from personal experience. It's as if you are not part of the family but just loaned items until the day they can get rid of you. You never really were part of the family. But that is beside the point, way bigger fish to fry here.
She is nothing. Read her posts. She is no future stepmom. They are not connected at all. The Father seems to understand she is a ticking time bomb but is likely using her for sex. That's my guess. She mentioned "her" nightstand where she hid the child's telephone so they aren't exactly shy about their fornicating. Poor kid
Last edited by ItIsWritten.; 04-04-2018 at 09:03 PM..
I agree with what you said, Mikala43. I AM frustrated with my fiance's inconsistency with rules and consequences. He did take her phone and computer away yesterday for lying to him. When she screamed that she'd lied a million times before and he'd never done anything, he said "Well I'm going to start now." She had to suffer with only the TV and argued and whined til 10:30 on a school night. At least he didn't give in. She lives with him all but four days per month, so he has a good opportunity to set expectations and establish an improvement.
Waiting til all the kids are out of school is certainly an option. We just thought as two single parents it would be better with us together juggling kids, jobs, one house and one yard - and not driving 100 miles every chance we have a weekend. I will give serious thought to the suggestions to run or at least wait, and I will work on the therapy as well. As I stated before, I wanted some objective opinions whether or not I was overreacting to her behavior. My story has never changed. I am not looking for pity or attention. Just perspective.
I realize what I posted earlier might have been unnecessarily harsh.
What I know, from raising 3 kids, is they need the respect from their parents of ownership of property. They need to have a space that's "theirs", that they can deny siblings entry to. Even if that's only one twin bed and a small dresser full of stuff. They need "their" clothing, and "their toiletries", and "their" backpack, etc. They need to own their own stuff and space.
Telling a child they own nothing at all, which is what you said (but I realize you may not have meant it literally) is treating them like a prisoner. And it will make them feel anxious that they might not have their clothing next week. (Because some parents actually do that - remove clothing).
I understand what you are saying. He has his privacy and his things, I am pretty sure he is comfortably secure.
Do we run around constantly telling him he has nothing. No. That's sounds very... cruel.
If he gets a specific something that say is pricey, and leaves in the driveway.... he is not going to have access to the specific something any longer. I've only been in the picture for about 8 years, so I told my husband this part of this discussion.... and he relayed that after REPEATEDLY telling his daughter to clean up her room he removed all the clothes that were on the floor..... to an undisclosed location.
I still contend that our children receive their freedoms and items at the benevolence of their overlords.
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On another note, is there a kid anywhere these days that the parents don't say they have ADD or ADHD? Every where you turn someone is saying their kid has one of them or something. A lot of kids are a little wild and don't focus but now it seems parents want to take them to a doctor and get them diagnosed with something so they can drug them up and make them lethargic so they don't have to deal with them. I see them a year or two later and the kid is sitting there staring at the wall or out a window like a vegetable. I have wondered if some of this is why we have all these crazy late teen early 20's kids wanting to shoot places up. I was a royal pain in the ass when I was a kid, about bouncing off the walls all the time and only slept about 5 hours a day. Usually from around 1:00AM to 6:00AM give or take an hour. These days, a parent would take a kid like me to the doctor and get me diagnosed with ADHD and drug me up. lol
Have you had a kid diagnosed? Ours was a multi year process including psychologists, school counselors, teachers and our pediatrician. No one threw meds at my daughter so she would calm down.
She was struggling hard in school. Pleasant but distracted at home and couldn’t focus long enough to compete a simple math problem. She would do the work correctly (adding using tally marks) but wouldn’t be able to focus long enough to finish the problem. She was also struggling with reading and was well below grade level.
After a year of help with meds, she’s been tested for the gifted program and she is reading a year above her level in school-3 years of progress in one. It’s been a lot of work with her teachers, the school psychologist and the pediatrician to help her be successful. She’s not a zombie or a vegetable with her meds. On the contrary, she never stops talking at home. Just this weekend, someone jokingly asked if I thought she had a daily word minimum she had to hit.
Your characterization of ADHD kids as wild and parents lazy is a serious misperception. Her meds are also about $3000 a year out of pocket for us. I can think of many other things I’d rather do with that money but it’s something my kid needs.
As for the OP, run. This has nothing to do with the girls disabilities and everything to do with her father’s parenting. It won’t get better.
We just thought as two single parents it would be better with us together juggling kids, jobs, one house and one yard - and not driving 100 miles every chance we have a weekend.
It might make things easier logistically, which helps you, but it will make them more difficult emotionally, which harms your children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70
I will give serious thought to the suggestions to run or at least wait, and I will work on the therapy as well.
This ^^^ is the only thing you really need to focus on now. I would seriously scale back your relationship and put a hold on any marriage or cohabitation plans. Focus on your own daughters and at least getting them to driving age. Then you can reconsider this relationship.
I agree with what you said, Mikala43. I AM frustrated with my fiance's inconsistency with rules and consequences. He did take her phone and computer away yesterday for lying to him. When she screamed that she'd lied a million times before and he'd never done anything, he said "Well I'm going to start now." She had to suffer with only the TV and argued and whined til 10:30 on a school night. At least he didn't give in. She lives with him all but four days per month, so he has a good opportunity to set expectations and establish an improvement.
Waiting til all the kids are out of school is certainly an option. We just thought as two single parents it would be better with us together juggling kids, jobs, one house and one yard - and not driving 100 miles every chance we have a weekend. I will give serious thought to the suggestions to run or at least wait, and I will work on the therapy as well. As I stated before, I wanted some objective opinions whether or not I was overreacting to her behavior. My story has never changed. I am not looking for pity or attention. Just perspective.
I would have never dared screaming or even arguing with my parents ... they would have taken the tv away. No kid needs a tv in its room anyway.
the two adults discipline needs to be discussed is within her mother and father. this lady has no clue upon how to handle anyone with asbpergers / ADHD despite claiming a daughter with such diagnosis. What happened, the assault and theft, should never happen again against a child. Sadly calling 911 would've probably been best due to the Op coming back yet showing no remorse. She ignores anyone who discourages her from marrying this guy also. Not to mention the changing story. Children have the right to own things without being told everything they use belongs to their parents. That is horrific, I know from personal experience. It's as if you are not part of the family but just loaned items until the day they can get rid of you. You never really were part of the family. But that is beside the point, way bigger fish to fry here.
She is nothing. Read her posts. She is no future stepmom. They are not connected at all. The Father seems to understand she is a ticking time bomb but is likely using her for sex. That's my guess. She mentioned "her" nightstand where she hid the child's telephone so they aren't exactly shy about their fornicating. Poor kid
I have never read more bizzarre posts than yours. This is insane.
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I'm sure that thought is disturbing to the both of us.
