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Yes, I have serious concerns. I tried talking with my fiance today, and he just said "It'll all work out." Which to me means, "I'll leave everything for you to fix." I told him I want to sit down and really talk through things before we proceed with any plans. Unfortunately, we didn't get to finish that conversation today.
I haven't read the entire thread, but I have read enough to form an opinion.
The problems go a lot deeper than just the behavior of this child. The real issue is his apparent willingness to pretend things are just fine when they are not, and to assume that the situation will improve with no action on his part. That's not a good quality for any partner to have.
It would be unrealistic to expect that the child's behavior problems will improve immediately - that isn't going to happen - but to proceed before you are on the same page about how to cope would be foolish.
If I missed it, I am sorry, but where does the girl's mother fit into the equation? Is she still alive, and in the girl's life? If so, is she aware of the problem? It might be difficult if they parted ways with a great deal of bitterness and hostility, but if she's still around, she needs to work with the two of you for the sake of the child.
Update: I still have not read all the posts, but I did read the rest of yours, and it sounds like the biological mom may be a less than wonderful influence. That's going to make things harder, particularly if she is using the child to get back at her ex.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
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Reputation: 50665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70
Yes, I have serious concerns. I tried talking with my fiance today, and he just said "It'll all work out." Which to me means, "I'll leave everything for you to fix." I told him I want to sit down and really talk through things before we proceed with any plans. Unfortunately, we didn't get to finish that conversation today.
Maybe "it'll work out" actually means, please leave her alone already, and focus your energies in other places than my daughter.
You've said she's fine at school and church.
She clearly has some difficulties. NO child wants to be difficult and disliked. Children tend to not want to scream for the pure pleasure of screaming, unless they're deaf, Vivance.
I have an acquaintance who worked at a "boot camp" facility for children with behavior problems. Her facility could get behavioral compliance out of every single child who was there for inpatient therapy, who had enough intellectual capability to understand rules and consequences. (There were some kids sent there who had moderate/severe mental retardation, and they weren't candidates for the program, as they really couldn't understand the rules).
So. These kids in this program could model very appropriate behavior, compliance, submissiveness, etc. by the time they exited the program in 8 weeks.
But then what. That's not the whole picture, at all. After very successfully completing the program and going back home successfully, it would all unravel. Those perfectly behaved kids were depressed, or aggressive, starting fires, driving dangerously, in inappropriate relationships, suicide, addicted to drugs, etc. in the coming years.
The facility is now shuttered. Forcing appropriate behaviors where a child is expressing unhappiness doesn't work.
This child may be unhappy with Dad. Or who knows what. She IS able to behave well at school and church. She's telling you something, loud and clear. And forcing her to stop communicating that won't help in the long run.
Yes, I have serious concerns. I tried talking with my fiance today, and he just said "It'll all work out." Which to me means, "I'll leave everything for you to fix." I told him I want to sit down and really talk through things before we proceed with any plans. Unfortunately, we didn't get to finish that conversation today.
That really does go along with his whole approach to life, it sounds like.
I would tell him you are taking a break. For at least two months.
No visits, not much communication. It should shake him out of his malaise, if he is in love with you and if he recognizes that, but it probably won't. At any rate, it will give you a chance to pay attention to your gut feelings, which are SCREAMING at you, and stop trying to propel this relationship along by yourself.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
35,635 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50665
Or honestly, maybe Dad is at the point of asking for a break himself. He's communicating pretty clearly that he's not interested in her making a project out of his daughter.
Vivance, I get what you're saying. I really get how irritating some kids can be. REALLY TRULY irritating. But shutting that voice down and quieting them isn't the answer always.
Yes, I have serious concerns. I tried talking with my fiance today, and he just said "It'll all work out." Which to me means, "I'll leave everything for you to fix." I told him I want to sit down and really talk through things before we proceed with any plans. Unfortunately, we didn't get to finish that conversation today.
Autism is hereditary. It is quite possible the child got it from her father. You yourself say you have a daughter with ADHD/Autism. Why put yourself and your own children through another situation with the same disabilities? Autism is not fixable. No counseling, no medication, nothing will make things better.
Your fiance is showing you his Red Flags. He is passing the buck on communication, is in denial about the need for you both to be able to communicate with each other. He..doesn't want to deal with his child. Best heed the Red flag warnings and run while you still can.
I wish I had.
How do YOUR daughters react when his daughter is freaking out?
How do they get along when things are calm? (If ever.)
I just don't get why you would continue to expose them – and yourself – to this relationship and continue to think maybe with the right tips and tricks you can all be the Brady Bunch. Dad Brady was more tuned in.
I'd take away all electronics. She doesn't need them and they are not helping. Perhaps if she can show you an attitude change for a few weeks you will allow her time then.
please share with us your wicked parent/ stepparent story.
I don't have one. I've been married since age 19 and am pushing 50. We have one 27 yr old son together who just bought a Condo and is unmarried right now. Never been married.
You are welcome to share your own story regarding the guidelines you've set fourth above though.
The daughter has tantrums first thing in the morning, in her own home. So while being on a trip and out of routine may exacerbate that, it does not account for everyday life. She will go through this whole screaming bit when her dad wakes her up. "I'm tired! I don't wanna get up! Go away, you idiot!"
Yes, I agree with her. Her dad is an idiot. Only an idiot lets his kid talk to him that way. I have never in my life dared to throw a tantrum in front of my parents.
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