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You're not overreacting.If I were you...I would definitely not continue with this relationship because as long as you're with this guy...YOU will always have to deal with his lack of being a strict parent which would mean you having to always deal with an unruly child.
Dealing with step-kids in the best circumstances is difficult. This situation adds a whole new dimension of difficulty. The fact that he has gone this long without establishing boundaries with her seems to doom the whole thing to me. She is already 12 years old. Her character and habits are set.
Run Run Run Away. This has divorce written all over it.
There is NOTHING worse than a spoiled arrogant out-of-control child. It's a real indicator of what kind of man he is really.
You still do not get it. You think it is just a spoiled out of control child. Not true. It is a child with mental problems, inability to concentrate on one thing at a time, who need a lot of love and stability to get through her teen years. ADHD and Asperger/Asberger in the severity this child appears to have, are both mental conditions that the child has no control over.
Learn about a child with this problem having melt-downs as this young girl is having, are not her fault.
Punishing a child with Asperger Problems is different than punishing a normal child. Punishing as a normal child, can cause more problems with the child than if nothing was done.
The problems with what the OP is doing with this child, is increasing the problem not helping solve it. And anyone that thinks that this child can be punished to the point they can behave differently is wrong.
It is time the OP and a lot of posters accept the fact, this child is not a normal child, and has to be treated differently.
We have a a grandson with the same problems. We have had counseling on how to handle and work with him, and his problems. We have learned about meltdowns, which the OP and many posters think are just temper tantrums. Something that you should never punish a child for, as they have no understanding about how to prevent them.
This young girl was thrown into crowds in Washington D.C. Taken clear out of her normal surroundings and comfort zone. She would have been exhausted by the end of the day. That is enough to cause a meltdown and lots of problems. Then she is punished because she does not act like a normal child. Accept the fact she is not a normal child, but someone with a serious mental condition that she cannot control, and must be handled and worked with to help her just survive in a world she does not really understand.
Let's say the girl has no control over this due to medical problems - how does that in any way lessen the impact to the OP?
There is not enough information to even assume that, and she seems to be able to turn it on off in various situations, so that leads me to believe that the behavior is a choice.
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I have no children but I was a child myself and I know what my parents did wrong and what they could have done better. And I know that texting all the way through dinner and talking back to adults is not the kids fault - it is a lack of setting basic rules and respect by the parents. ADD doesn't make you text during dinner. This is not rocket science. And every parent knows this deep down but they are too tired, too lazy, too lenient, too overworked, too busy with other stuff and they like the ADD excuse because they think they are off the hook with parenting.
I don't think ADD is a fake disorder. But I think that most parents work full time and when they come home, they are understandably tired and don't want to be the bad guy disciplining or are just too tired. The little time they have with their kids, they want to be liked by them, so they don't really parent - they are more like friends.
The people who deal with the kids during the day don't have the authority to be strict (enough). Back in the day when only one parent worked (usually the dad), mom was watching the kid and could set it straight right the moment unruly behavior was at its beginning. This doesn't happen anymore.
I think it is a product of modern society. No one really feels responsible to be strict and teachers/mentors/tutors/babysitters don't have the authority.
I am 41 and when I grew up, there were about 2 unruly kids in my grade, those were diagnosed with ADD and the parents were called in periodically. They got extra homework for disbheving, or maybe a spank on the butt from their parents and this was the end of it for a while and then over time it went away when they grew out of it. There was no special allowance for anyone to behave poorly. The fidgety kids had to sit in the front row to be under close watch, so they cannot just slack off.
When I was celebrating my birthday and invited an unruly child, it got taken home early and never invited again. When it realized that most kids aren't inviting it anymore, guess what - it stopped being annoying.
If you do not get your child under control, you are creating an entitled feeling monster.
She never said autism was a mental illness. She said this girl is mentally ill. And it sure looks that way so better to be safe than sorry.
Autism is a psychiatric disorder, btw.
NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) offers a free series of classes called Family To Family
- It is around 1.5 hrs once a week for about 2 months. Or sometimes it can be taken all in one weekend
Again, It's called Family to Family.
I know they are not a family unit but it is a very effective class to deal with these types of disorders. Each family can enroll in regards to their own kin since they both have children with similar diagnosis
.
NAMI has a 24/7 FREE phone helpline .
if anyone feels they might become become violent with someone diagnosed with these disorders, or any other crisis.
especially good for those who are not placed in authority yet feel they are loosing control and may get physical with someone else's child.
.
Actually Autism is a developmental disorder. As a parent and an educator impacted by this on a daily basis I promise I’m well versed on this.
Quote:
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior. Although autism can be diagnosed at any age, it is said to be a “developmental disorder” because symptoms generally appear in the first two years of life.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide created by the American Psychiatric Association used to diagnose mental disorders, people with ASD have: Difficulty with communication and interaction with other people, Restricted interests and repetitive behaviors, and Symptoms that hurt the person’s ability to function properly in school, work, and other areas of life
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