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My neighbor decided he was going to throw his weight around and now I'm taking him to court. It's the only way to shut him up and leave me alone. The police have been here and decided not to do anything, so I will.
My neighbor decided he was going to throw his weight around and now I'm taking him to court. It's the only way to shut him up and leave me alone. The police have been here and decided not to do anything, so I will.
Being bullied or scapegoated in your family of origin can make you a target for other bullies. Mainly because you have to learn how to set and enforce boundaries on your own and because you're trained from a young age to take abuse.
In my experience, the following 3 things tend to be true about bullies
1) They will test you with small things to see if you will assert yourself or not. With many bullies, not all, standing up to them in the beginning is the key to getting them to back off. Plus if you do this in the beginning, vs. waiting and letting things blow up, it's easier to remain professional while standing up for yourself. Often, they start by crossing the line and maybe apologizing. If you accept the apology and reassure them no hard feelings, they will keep testing (this is what happened to me). Accepting the apology but lightheartedly letting them know it's not ok, such as a joking "don't let it happen again" is one way to set your boundary. You're not being combative, but you're letting them know it's not open season on you.
2) A manager accepts this behavior and doesn't do anything to put a stop to it, even when it's obvious. If a place has higher than usual turnover for the industry, that is a sign there's a bully. Particularly if people were run off by the same person. A woman I know ran off at least 4 other people before she started in on me.
3) Bullies can be deceptive, appearing friendly at first.
I ended up leaving my last job because of a bully. Nipping it in the bud is one of the most important parts of self-defense vs. a bully. It doesn't always work, but often the bully will leave you alone to find an easier target.
wise post, excapegoat
I was bullied at my last job and had never experienced it in the US but I come back to live where I was born and wham! She was my supervisor and couldn't do the job, she got it through her mom who knows the boss and she'd brag about that to everyone who wanted to hear it.
But you're right, had I done something about it at the very beginning, it might not have escalated. Of course nothing was ever done about it because she had connections and I was told I was too sensitive. She would be nice as pie some days and bullying the next or switch it off and on during the day..you never knew what you were in for. I felt like a little kid, having to deal with something that you'd think happens in school..the fact the higher ups didn't take me serious and the fact I had to keep proving what she did and said and retelling my story, was worse than the bullying.
It turned out the agency that's there to prevent bullying at work told me to either learn to live with it or get another job....I left and went on sickleave as I was a total mess...I felt so out of control and violated and there wasn't a soul on my side. This happened a year ago and I still get upset thinking about it.
wise post, excapegoat
I was bullied at my last job and had never experienced it in the US but I come back to live where I was born and wham! She was my supervisor and couldn't do the job, she got it through her mom who knows the boss
This is so typical of 3rd world countries. Bullying is not taken seriously & abuse has become a part of life. US is so much better when it comes to respect & sensitivity compared to so many other countries. No wonder so many immigrants come here & never want to go back at any cost. Its difficult to find this kind of respect anywhere else. Not trying to start an immigration debate here, but for a majority of immigrants its not about the money but a desperate escape from all the emotional abuse. Not all wounds are visible. Cheers to US for opening their door to immigrants. When you see an immigrant try to think what made them leave their family, friends, roots, culture forever & move to an alien land to make a new start. Most of them are victims of this kind of bullying culture in their homeland. Money is not the motivation behind moving away for good. So please be kind to people who have left behind their land forever because they are victims of abuse. They dont have the power to fight so the best escape is to leave. US is not only the land of opportunities, but also a land of human rights. Its the quality of life & respect that attracts so many immigrants here. God bless America.
Bullying has become a part of culture in a lot countries & you just have to deal with it, especially from superiors. Its power politics. When you have lived in US & go back to a different culture, its very difficult to adjust.
So sorry about what happened to you. Hope you can find a better place to work.
Belgium is not 3rd world by any means...but as far as how they treat people in the workplace, they're still in the middle ages...they have so much political BS here and red tape and are so far behind as far as training supervisors on what is acceptable..corruption is everywhere but it's much worse here than in the US...
Being bullied or scapegoated in your family of origin can make you a target for other bullies. Mainly because you have to learn how to set and enforce boundaries on your own and because you're trained from a young age to take abuse.
In my experience, the following 3 things tend to be true about bullies
1) They will test you with small things to see if you will assert yourself or not. With many bullies, not all, standing up to them in the beginning is the key to getting them to back off. Plus if you do this in the beginning, vs. waiting and letting things blow up, it's easier to remain professional while standing up for yourself. Often, they start by crossing the line and maybe apologizing. If you accept the apology and reassure them no hard feelings, they will keep testing (this is what happened to me). Accepting the apology but lightheartedly letting them know it's not ok, such as a joking "don't let it happen again" is one way to set your boundary. You're not being combative, but you're letting them know it's not open season on you.
2) A manager accepts this behavior and doesn't do anything to put a stop to it, even when it's obvious. If a place has higher than usual turnover for the industry, that is a sign there's a bully. Particularly if people were run off by the same person. A woman I know ran off at least 4 other people before she started in on me.
3) Bullies can be deceptive, appearing friendly at first.
I ended up leaving my last job because of a bully. Nipping it in the bud is one of the most important parts of self-defense vs. a bully. It doesn't always work, but often the bully will leave you alone to find an easier target.
These managers are co-conspirators to the bully. I shadowed for a job with a nurse who, to me, was very dysyfunctional to say the least. The other staff just kinda tolerated her rudeness, remarks, etc. I managed fine, but wouldn't take a job like that. I called her out at least once, which I'm sure she didn't like. Bullies want victims and if you refuse to be one they will find someone to play the role.Dysfunctional work environments are the responsibility of the manager and like a pseudo-parent they can create, stop or manage work chaos. They are where the chaos takes form.
On another note, I worked for a company with a boss who fired indiscriminantly. When she fired, it was anyone she didn't like, no one had seniority to her. SHe brought in 2 henchmen with her that were grossly incompetent. Everyone fled out of there. I left too eventually. Anyways, I heard later the place closed. And, she was the one who was fired--no job. She had frantically tried to hold on to her job, placated upper management and terrorized everyone else. So, what goes around does come around, might take a while, but sometimes the shi* people do catches up to them.
Last edited by Nanny Goat; 08-16-2012 at 07:21 AM..
Companies need to realize that bullying will eventually cost them good employees. A lot of it does not get reported & the employee leaves the company without giving the real reason. So the bully continues harrassing people. I think the management knows about the bullying but I suspect that they expect the employees to handle the situation on their own. From their point of view, whats the guarantee you wont find a bully in your new job? We should know how to confront bullies & stand up for ourselves. But thats not an excuse for allowing the bully to throw his weight around. In a way management might also be afraid that the bully would harm them in some way - legally or destroying their property or data. So they handle them with care. Not fair but happens all the time.
Companies need to realize that bullying will eventually cost them good employees. A lot of it does not get reported & the employee leaves the company without giving the real reason. So the bully continues harrassing people. I think the management knows about the bullying but I suspect that they expect the employees to handle the situation on their own. From their point of view, whats the guarantee you wont find a bully in your new job? We should know how to confront bullies & stand up for ourselves. But thats not an excuse for allowing the bully to throw his weight around. In a way management might also be afraid that the bully would harm them in some way - legally or destroying their property or data. So they handle them with care. Not fair but happens all the time.
Also, what happens, whether it's in a family or a workplace, is that people are encouraged to join in or at least look the other way when it happens because it means someone else is receiving the brunt of the bully's wrath.
Take the junior high Mean Girl example. I believe authors on the topic such as Rosalind Wiseman have categorized people involved in bullying as Queen Bees (instigators, ringleaders) and Wanna Bees (minions). As well as Bystanders. Then there are the Targets. Some of the minions know that if they stand up for the target or even if they just refuse to join in with the bullying, the ringleader will turn on them. Some of them just like joining in on the bullying. I found the ringleaders and the minions to be the most consistent in any bullying situation because they do want to make you miserable.
Bystanders are a bit more confusing. Sometimes they'll be nice to the target because they're usually not bad people on their own. Sometimes they'll just stand off to the side and sometimes, when the pressure's on from the ringleaders and minions, they'll join in. But you can tell they're uncomfortable. I've mostly been the target in bullying situations, but I've sometimes been the bystander in all senses.
The same thing happens in the workplace. Unless the boss has the courage to stand up to the bully, the atmosphere is going to be intolerable. Very few people are willing to do this, but when they do, t hey can make a difference.
One teacher used his popularity to make it easier for the target kids. He would praise us and include us in his practical jokes. I never had a problem with bullying in his classroom or any other time he was around. Some however, despite being "adults" want to be popular with the bullies & join in. We're talking grown teachers joining in bullying of teenaged kids. Bizarre. So it's not surprising the same can happen when all involved are "adults"
And people can turn on you for standing up for someone who's being unfairly maligned. At one workplace, one of the things I think was a catalyst was when I stood up for a vendor, we'll call her Jane, who was being unfairly maligned by 2 co-workers. We'll call them Suzy & Carol. Here's the conversation:
Suzy (after getting off the phone with Jane): I'm getting the sense that Jane is less helpful lately. Like she doesn't want to be bothered.
Carol: Yeah, I'm getting that sense too
Me: That's odd, I just spoke to her recently and she was really helpful. How was she unhelpful? What did she say that was unhelpful?
Suzy: Oh nothing specific, it's just a feeling I have.
Conversation ends
Now, Jane's job depended upon people's perception of her as being helfpul. IMO, you don't cast aspersions upon someone's basic qualification for a job unless you have good reason too. And if you have good reason to, you should be able to back it up with times/dates/specific statements. "Just a feeling" is good for some things, but not to criticize someone's job performance.
Not surprisingly, at my last performance review for that job (previous ones had been good), I got a lot of general, vague negative comments. I asked for examples and they couldn't give them. That's a red flag you're dealing with a workplace bully/bully enablers. I didn't learn this until AFTER another bullying workplace experience, but the appropriate response to that sort of evaluation is to say:
"Well, I'm open to constructive feedback and I'd like to address any performance issues, but not having specifics makes that difficult. Can you give examples or recommend specific steps you'd like to see taken by me?"
Belgium is not 3rd world by any means...but as far as how they treat people in the workplace, they're still in the middle ages...they have so much political BS here and red tape and are so far behind as far as training supervisors on what is acceptable..corruption is everywhere but it's much worse here than in the US...
their are plenty of countries who do not take bullying in the workplace remotely seriously , new zealand is particulary guilty
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