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look, life sucks, it really never gets better, you just have to live with it. All the bullies , yes they are still bullies and they have the same problems you have, that why they are bullies.
I been out of school thirty years and i still meet bullies daily. most of it is just alpha male ego. and some are they are just fricken crazy in the head.
what I'm saying, life never changes. you just learn to live with it. get a dog, that the only person that will alway be there for you.
look, life sucks, it really never gets better, you just have to live with it. All the bullies , yes they are still bullies and they have the same problems you have, that why they are bullies.
I been out of school thirty years and i still meet bullies daily. most of it is just alpha male ego. and some are they are just fricken crazy in the head.
what I'm saying, life never changes. you just learn to live with it. get a dog, that the only person that will alway be there for you.
Yep, there are loads of ass holes/bullies out there. There are also loads of fake-nice people too. Coming across a genuinely kind and compassionate person is a rarity.
You should begin reading as much as you can about your condition. Begin with Kerouac and the Beat Poets. Move on to Sartre and Nietzsche. None of this is very hard to read. The information is not new, though it would be new to most American HS "graduates." It will help you gain perspective on who you are and where you fit. Post again if this doesn't do the trick.
May I recommend a book to you? It's called Dream It. List It. Do It. and it's published by Workman Publishing. The subtitle is: How to live a bigger & bolder life, from the Life List Experts at 43Things. http://www.amazon.com/Dream-List-Do-...+do+it+list+it
The ideas in this book are not all social things; some can be very personal, others can be long-distance goals, and some may be things you find absurd. But there are so many ideas for expanding your horizons in the book that you are sure to be able to make your own list of interesting and engrossing goals that will take the focus off the negative aspects of your life and allow you to immerse yourself in activities that will make you more connected to your surroundings. When that happens I think you'll have an easier time connecting to people, too, and you will seem more interesting to them.
I think that's already happening in your experience with teaching ESL. You relax as you teach something you are comfortable with and you're connecting with your students on a friendly, intellectual level. I know when I followed my inclination to take up an art form I was interested in, my life improved enormously. I began to create things that gave me a feeling of accomplishment and I met a lot of other misfits who were also trying to express themselves.
I would strongly encourage you to follow your idea of discussing this with a counselor. What you're experiencing is not at all unusual and certainly something a trained person would minimize. I would even suspect these feelings happen to people you think of as very together and/or accepted. You sound as if you put yourself under a lot of social stress and many of your feelings of failing to fit in are probably unwarranted vestiges of being bullied as a child. I think a counselor could give you some tips on how to enjoy your life more without pushing you to be the extravert you obviously are not.
I have been friendless throughout my childhood and as an adult completely friendless. No social life whatsoever. You can't really miss what you've never had but many times I think what life would be like if things were different.
I spend my time daydreaming about what I could accomplish if I had other people on board, as opposed to alone. I see myself as someone who would be a successful entrepreneur, movie maker, and well-liked business person, if only I had a more outgoing personality and some friends to help me. Instead, I'm a lonely poor college student who fears she can't, and maybe won't, accomplish any of what she dreams about. I'm depressed over all of this sameness and want something to change.
I was very socially awkward, largely due to isolation, an undiagnosed learning disability and parents who were a bit odd themselves.
I went through a very long and painful process to change my life, and it wasn't even deliberate. It was just a survival thing. But there are some things I learned. It turns out a lot of platitudes are quite true.
-Always lead with kindness. Treat people with the compassion and friendliness you are hoping to be shown. But don't EXPECT anything from anyone else. Be kind because it is the right thing to do. How people respond will tell you a lot about them.
-As long as you do the above, you have no reason to care about what anyone else thinks of you. People who treat you poorly or mock you or abuse you are not people you want in your life and they are not people who should take up any space in your head. Which brings me to...
-Don't be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life. You can be kind about it, you can be polite about it - but there's no need to include them in your life unless they are a coworker, and then you can set boundaries quite easily.
-Learn about boundary setting. That actually harks back to my point about not expecting anything from anyone to a certain extent. You should respect the boundaries of others, but also know how to set your own and maintain them kindly and firmly.
-If you're lucky, you'll get a job doing what you love and that you're very good at. But that doesn't always happen. I'm good at my job, but I don't love it. Meh- that's fine. It lets me live the life I want to live. Decide what is important to you, and go after that.
-Be the friend you want to have.
-Be thankful. Look, my personal mantra when stuff gets bad is "At least I'm not in Somalia." We have so much to be grateful for in the developed world. Being thankful just puts you in an optimistic mood and provides an awful lot of perspective.
-Ask questions. Not invasive ones, just general stuff. People will often surprise you with their answers.
I spend my time daydreaming about what I could accomplish if I had other people on board, as opposed to alone. I see myself as someone who would be a successful entrepreneur, movie maker, and well-liked business person, if only I had a more outgoing personality and some friends to help me. Instead, I'm a lonely poor college student who fears she can't, and maybe won't, accomplish any of what she dreams about. I'm depressed over all of this sameness and want something to change.
You got some great advice on here.
I wouldn't count on the: "if I had other people on board"and "some friends to help me". Brush yourself off and count on yourself. Take out the "if only" and "I can't" phrase from your vocabulary. You said you want "something to change". Well---change. You have the power. Have you read "The Secret"?
There are lots of people who have this impression that I am an outgoing person. I am not at all. I find it odd when I hear someone describe me as such. I have learned to do what makes me happy. I don't count on others. If they are there, that is great. If it is only me, that is good too.
I worked with a young woman last night that kept saying the Customers were stupid. I kept saying that they are not, they are just overwhelmed. After about the forth time she said it I sternly told her again they are not. Her mindset is negative, negative, negative. I have heard that she had a horrible childhood---having a lousy childhood doesn't mean you have to have a lousy adulthood. One has to change their mindset.
Most of my memories of school are of being bullied, hurt, and having lots of trouble getting along with other people. I stuttered when I was younger, and still do at times. My school mates just thought I was weird, and I did go out of my way to seem unique. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends in K-12. In fact, I felt almost handicapped in this area. People just didn't like me.
Well, I thought things would improve after I became an adult, and they kind of did, but I still had too much trouble connecting with people and was only liked by a few. The good thing, though, is there were more oddballs in college, so I didn't feel completely left out. After I graduated, had too much trouble finding a job, and got routinely insulted by the kids I worked with, cold hard reality set back in. I withdrew a bit more and became a little afraid of meeting and getting to know other people. I doubt my ability to enter into a relationship, friendship or otherwise, and get a good job. I'm so tired of being mocked and condemned. What should I do about this?
I constantly daydream about "winning" socially, of getting the great job, the awesome group of friends, and the reputation and respect I want, but reality is that I don't really know how to get along with most people, at least that's how I feel. I actually want to be my age group's version of "cool," and have people respect and admire me. I still kind of feel like an outcast. Most of my experiences are that of failure.
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious. I keep telling myself that I will make a change, but it seems like I stay in the same old rut. I'm close to thirty and have accomplished less than I could have. I want something to change, but I don't even know what steps to take.
Oddly enough, I heard a song yesterday while out at the farm stand. I don't know the artist or title but it went along the lines of, 'I wish I could be like the cool kids.'
If there's a song about it, it can't be that uncommon. Many people feel the same way, as we can see from the responses.
Someone in this thread advised you to 'stop caring so much and trying so hard.' There's wisdom in that.
It also might be possible that you're an introvert surrounded by the most obnoxious kinds of extroverts. Read up on the subject. It might help.
I wouldn't count on the: "if I had other people on board"and "some friends to help me". Brush yourself off and count on yourself. Take out the "if only" and "I can't" phrase from your vocabulary. You said you want "something to change". Well---change. You have the power. Have you read "The Secret"?
There are lots of people who have this impression that I am an outgoing person. I am not at all. I find it odd when I hear someone describe me as such. I have learned to do what makes me happy. I don't count on others. If they are there, that is great. If it is only me, that is good too.
I worked with a young woman last night that kept saying the Customers were stupid. I kept saying that they are not, they are just overwhelmed. After about the forth time she said it I sternly told her again they are not. Her mindset is negative, negative, negative. I have heard that she had a horrible childhood---having a lousy childhood doesn't mean you have to have a lousy adulthood. One has to change their mindset.
I know, but I find the idea easier with people to help me. I can't break this negative cycle of thinking by myself, and I have trouble staying focused and following through on a plan. Plus, I just have more confidence when I have one or two people on my side backing me up. I may feel like presenting a plan as my idea alone will seem foolish, but it will seem less foolish if I have a few people who think it is a good idea, too, helping me present it. I guess it kind of goes back to when I was a child and had trouble talking and being understood. I'm not sure if I ever grew out of that mindset.
See, if I had someone to help me keep focused I think I could:
More easily complete the little goals I set for myself. For instance, I was studying for a Spanish proficiency test, but I lost track of what I was doing with everything else on my plate, so I stopped and attended to the other concerns and worries
Get good at a subject I have trouble focusing on and understanding, like advanced mathematics
Develop a realistic opinion of myself, not influenced solely by all of the negative things I hear people say about me
If I had a group of people with diverse talents and good personalities, I could:
Show more confidence when proposing silly ideas to new people. Who knows? I could have a really good idea that I'm just sitting on, because I think that most people will overlook me, because, hey, it's just me.
Actually get organized and write up a plan to see where I'm going, do what I want, and distinguish doable from dreaming (I'm not focused enough to follow through with this on my own. My thoughts just race, and, although I love my dreams and idle musings, I don't know if I could actually accomplish them or not. There would be steps that I'm not familiar with, that I would need to take.)
Find a better part-time job, because I would have people who could speak well for me.
Long story short, I'm a lonely poor college student who feels like she may need, but can't afford, a life coach. I can't be my own because I can't stay focused. It's not just an excuse for me. I fall out of normal sleep patterns, hardly ever establish a set routine of following through on trying to accomplish my goals, and usually quit out of frustration or boredom. People who observe me probably think that I'm not very motivated, but I am motivated. I just can't focus. It really makes me miserable. Everything I do or complain about is focused on wanting to change and make something of my life, but it seems like I can't. It seems like I'm just going to be stuck following these same destructive patterns or retreating when I feel afraid or unsure. I want to change, but something has me convinced that this is "safe" and the alternative is "dangerous." I think I might try to discuss this with a counselor, but I really feel like this isn't just a mindset; it might be the result of some kind of disorder.
I guess that's why I like going to school so much; at least I feel like I've accomplished something at the end of the semester when I get my grades. Things move a lot more slowly than the pace I would want, but at least I don't have a lot of trouble keeping up with everything. When I try to study or set goals on my own, though, I fail. Depression, worry, and stress usually motivate me to stop following my plan, and sometimes I lose track of it completely. I'm a little miserable and would love to break this cycle. I'm a geek at heart who loves science, studying, and style, but I can't keep up with my hobbies; I've tried.
Last edited by krmb; 10-25-2014 at 09:15 AM..
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