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You might start changing your life circumstances by, first, changing your personal opinion of yourself. It's a common mistake to equate your own self-image with what you imagine other people to think of you. IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU. It's only important for you to be able to enjoy a, 'clean relationship' with God and, otherwise, be at peace with yourself.
If you stop violating your conscience then a higher opinion of yourself should soon follow. OTHER PEOPLE (WOMEN) WILL TEND TO SEE YOU AS YOU SEE YOURSELF. What is the cardinal sin for a man to commit while seeking to attract another person? ....... Nothing - NOTHING - will turn someone else off faster than a lack of (at least implied) self-confidence.
How do you acquire this almost mystical sense of personal self-confidence? By establishing a history of making right decisions across a variety of frequently changing objective data. (This is something you can practice and learn how to do without ever saying a word to anybody else until you're ready to do so.)
Popularity (especially high school popularity) is like the weather: The temperature goes up; the temperature goes down. One day is sunny; and the next day is cloudy. You can't keep up with it; so, 'Why' try! For a student who wasn't on any athletic teams I was very popular in high school; well, most of high school. This fact was recently underscored for me when several of the class' surviving members sought me out for our 50th reunion. (Until I discovered the lengths some of them had gone to in order to find me I had little idea what their opinion of me actually was - Especially after all these years!)
Would you like to know how I escaped from the general insignificance and unpopularity of my freshman year? I did two things: First, there are always more unpopular students than there are, 'really cool students'. One day I finally realized that the, 'really cool' students numbered among the biggest jerks on campus. They were affectatious and, 'cool' simply because they were afraid of other people finding out just how genuinely shallow they really were.
So, what I did was to go out of my way to be especially polite to, and even befriend all of the really, 'uncool' kids in school. This behavior on my part had a surprising effect: When all of the not so, 'drop dead gorgeous' girls in school started to like me, the (generally agreed) most beautiful girl in school sent an, 'emissary' to ask me if I'd like to go out with her. (Absolutely true! No internet B.S. She was my steady girl throughout our senior year.)
2. The second thing I did was to learn how to stand for something! If you don't tell lies, people won't suspect you of dishonesty. If you show that you're able to think of others BEFORE you think of yourself you will discover the basis of good social manners! The ugliest person in the world can come across as attractive IF HE HAS GOOD SOCIAL MANNERS!
Whenever you look at someone you want to attact don't look at him; look at, 'his soul' instead. Everybody wants to be respected. Know what? You don't have to do anything - anything at all - in order to show someone that you respect him! Know what else? It is psychologically impossible - impossible - for you to respect someone without that person, at least to some degree, respecting you in return. HOW DO YOU SHOW SOMEONE THAT YOU RESPECT HIM? YOU CAN, OFTEN, DO IT WITHOUT SAYING ONE SINGLE WORD! It's all in how you act, how you behave, in that person's presence!
Set high standards for yourself. You should NEVER desire for everybody to like you. Why? Because there are, quite simply, people in this world who are not worth knowing. Such friendship you do NOT want. I have the distinct impression that there is no active sense of religion in your life. Too bad! An active sense of essentially benevolent religion - no matter the faith or denomination - provides a great sense of belonging, agreement, and bonding among various (otherwise divergent) individuals.
Lose the, 'me, me, me'; and, 'I can't, I can't, I can't'. Change it to, 'Hi, I'm glad to see you!' 'What can I do for you, right now, in order to make life easier for the both of us?' Whatever else you do, do not ever violate your conscience. If you make this serious mistake not only other men, but, God Himself won't like you.
Do you dress well (I mean clean and neatly pressed)? You should. Do you keep your shoes shined? Again you should. Are your teeth clean enough for you to smile comfortably at people? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE, 'PRETTY'. YOU NEED TO BE PRESENTABLE, INSTEAD.
Most of my memories of school are of being bullied, hurt, and having lots of trouble getting along with other people. I stuttered when I was younger, and still do at times. My school mates just thought I was weird, and I did go out of my way to seem unique. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends in K-12. In fact, I felt almost handicapped in this area. People just didn't like me.
I constantly daydream about "winning" socially, of getting the great job, the awesome group of friends, and the reputation and respect I want, but reality is that I don't really know how to get along with most people, at least that's how I feel. I actually want to be my age group's version of "cool," and have people respect and admire me. I still kind of feel like an outcast. Most of my experiences are that of failure.
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious. I keep telling myself that I will make a change, but it seems like I stay in the same old rut. I'm close to thirty and have accomplished less than I could have. I want something to change, but I don't even know what steps to take.
Gaining the friendship of people who bully and hurt others will add nothing to your life. Most likely it will make it worse, much worse. Don't lower your standards just to be popular or "liked." Being "Cool" is also a meaningless achievement. It does not mean that people have any genuine respect or admiration for you.
Earning the genuine respect and admiration of others has more to do with your values, principles and inner qualities. If you cultivate goals that benefit others, and cultivate good communication skills, you will increase opportunities to find good friends. But do not wait for friends to make you happy. If you don't find friends quickly, don't force it. Learn new skills and widen your circle of interests, make your life more interesting. Cultivate happiness in doing good for others even in small ways each day, and be a thankful person who looks for the good in each days experiences. Focus on the positive that happens each day, and do not allow the comments or actions of bullies or unkind people to define your personality or outlook. Genuine friends are rare. The best friendship we can have is with our Heavenly Father, and that can sustain us through the loss of human friendships.
Set high standards for yourself. You should NEVER desire for everybody to like you. Why? Because there are, quite simply, people in this world who are not worth knowing. Such friendship you do NOT want. I have the distinct impression that there is no active sense of religion in your life. Too bad! An active sense of essentially benevolent religion - no matter the faith or denomination - provides a great sense of belonging, agreement, and bonding among various (otherwise divergent) individuals.
Lose the, 'me, me, me'; and, 'I can't, I can't, I can't'. Change it to, 'Hi, I'm glad to see you!' 'What can I do for you, right now, in order to make life easier for the both of us?' Whatever else you do, do not ever violate your conscience. If you make this serious mistake not only other men, but, God Himself won't like you.
Do you dress well (I mean clean and neatly pressed)? You should. Do you keep your shoes shined? Again you should. Are your teeth clean enough for you to smile comfortably at people? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE, 'PRETTY'. YOU NEED TO BE PRESENTABLE, INSTEAD.
I was sort of taught to see a relationship with God and a relationship with people as two very different things. The main theme I'm used to hearing in the churches around here is, "you will be hated by all people for God's name." I think what I'm hearing and what they mean are different things, but I haven't had enough nerve to point out anything or ask questions. They went to school to teach it, after all. The main point, though, is a relationship with mankind, of getting along well with your fellow man, is not heavily emphasized. In fact, it almost seems like some of the people have adopted this callousness toward other people. I may just be imagining things, though. I don't know. We're kind people out of duty, but we don't have a very high opinion of those who are struggling; that's the society I live in, for the most part.
Most of my memories of school are of being bullied, hurt, and having lots of trouble getting along with other people. I stuttered when I was younger, and still do at times. My school mates just thought I was weird, and I did go out of my way to seem unique. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends in K-12. In fact, I felt almost handicapped in this area. People just didn't like me.
Well, I thought things would improve after I became an adult, and they kind of did, but I still had too much trouble connecting with people and was only liked by a few. The good thing, though, is there were more oddballs in college, so I didn't feel completely left out. After I graduated, had too much trouble finding a job, and got routinely insulted by the kids I worked with, cold hard reality set back in. I withdrew a bit more and became a little afraid of meeting and getting to know other people. I doubt my ability to enter into a relationship, friendship or otherwise, and get a good job. I'm so tired of being mocked and condemned. What should I do about this?
I constantly daydream about "winning" socially, of getting the great job, the awesome group of friends, and the reputation and respect I want, but reality is that I don't really know how to get along with most people, at least that's how I feel. I actually want to be my age group's version of "cool," and have people respect and admire me. I still kind of feel like an outcast. Most of my experiences are that of failure.
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious. I keep telling myself that I will make a change, but it seems like I stay in the same old rut. I'm close to thirty and have accomplished less than I could have. I want something to change, but I don't even know what steps to take.
IMO this should have been THE reason you were going to the counselor, as it is affecting every single area of your life. You are wasting your money in not being totally transparent with him. Your social life has never come up in therapy? your inability to teach or get along with others has never been brought up? Your fear that you have Asperger's has never been brought up? Your lack of confidence and inability to set healthy boundaries has never come up even though it's causing you to fail in your career? What on earth do you discuss then? Why are you even going if it's not to challenge your self, open yourself, and change?
PS, what happened to your job teaching foreign kids? I thought that was going much better for you than trying to teach in a standard classroom was?
Most of my memories of school are of being bullied, hurt, and having lots of trouble getting along with other people. I stuttered when I was younger, and still do at times. My school mates just thought I was weird, and I did go out of my way to seem unique. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends in K-12. In fact, I felt almost handicapped in this area. People just didn't like me.
Well, I thought things would improve after I became an adult, and they kind of did, but I still had too much trouble connecting with people and was only liked by a few. The good thing, though, is there were more oddballs in college, so I didn't feel completely left out. After I graduated, had too much trouble finding a job, and got routinely insulted by the kids I worked with, cold hard reality set back in. I withdrew a bit more and became a little afraid of meeting and getting to know other people. I doubt my ability to enter into a relationship, friendship or otherwise, and get a good job. I'm so tired of being mocked and condemned. What should I do about this?
I constantly daydream about "winning" socially, of getting the great job, the awesome group of friends, and the reputation and respect I want, but reality is that I don't really know how to get along with most people, at least that's how I feel. I actually want to be my age group's version of "cool," and have people respect and admire me. I still kind of feel like an outcast. Most of my experiences are that of failure.
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious. I keep telling myself that I will make a change, but it seems like I stay in the same old rut. I'm close to thirty and have accomplished less than I could have. I want something to change, but I don't even know what steps to take.
I could have wrote this. At age 53 that I am now, and decided many many moons ago, this is not a bad thing. Life is life that we make it, not what others would make for us. We don't have to 'win' socially to be happy in our lives. In fact, truth be told about myself, I am most happier when alone as it is then my worries are small. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it and I stopped thinking about what others would think along time ago.
You have the power to change your stars. Others can not do this for you. If you continue to believe they can, happiness will be a long time coming. Accept yourself, the rest that follows, is a nice walk in the park.
PS: I have quality friends, not a quantity of friends. And I wouldn't change that at all.
You definitely should discuss with your counselor. Immediately.
I'm going to give some free advice here. Growing up I was bullied and picked on for being overweight, non athletic, intelligent, and from the poor side of town. Didn't have many friends in high school. Didn't have any of the usual social aspects of high school either because of the bullying situation coupled with the fact that my parents were overprotective. Truthfully back then, I'd rather have my nose in a book.
You can change your inner voice about yourself. As adults, most people don't really pay that much attention to other adults, and are far less critical. And if they are critical, WHO CARES!! Stop worrying what people think of you. They really aren't thinking of you at all, they are thinking of themselves.
Forgive the bullies of your past. It's hard. You don't have to become friends with them. (I've actually become friendly with a couple of mine. It's interesting getting their perspective. When Jesus said " Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do," it's more than correct. Because they don't truly know.) It doesn't excuse their behavior.Just forgive them for yourself, and let them remain where they belong, in the past.
Lastly, get interests, do something for others. Volunteer. Common interests will help you speak to others. Anything at all, volunteer at food pantry, animal shelter, nature center, Meals on wheels, nursing home. Anything that allows you to serve others in some fashion. When you serve others without expectation of reward, it changes you from the inside out.
I was sort of taught to see a relationship with God and a relationship with people as two very different things. The main theme I'm used to hearing in the churches around here is, "you will be hated by all people for God's name." I think what I'm hearing and what they mean are different things, but I haven't had enough nerve to point out anything or ask questions. They went to school to teach it, after all. The main point, though, is a relationship with mankind, of getting along well with your fellow man, is not heavily emphasized. In fact, it almost seems like some of the people have adopted this callousness toward other people. I may just be imagining things, though. I don't know. We're kind people out of duty, but we don't have a very high opinion of those who are struggling; that's the society I live in, for the most part.
They are, as one is spiritual the other physical. Separating the two will give your mind power, only you will come to appreciate as there are some things not meant to be shared with others. The power that comes you'll learn to utilize it and from there you will realize, you own your life. No one can take that power away from you, try as they might, you remain in control. In the power of the soul, be still, grow, and don't settle for second best, when the best is just but the next move away.
Know, you're not imagining anything.
I call it lift and separate. In that you raise above others and come back in again with a whole new light on people and human behaviors. You set your own path to accomplishment and you will begin to attract others who will wish nothing but good things to have happen for you.
I was very socially awkward, largely due to isolation, an undiagnosed learning disability and parents who were a bit odd themselves.
I went through a very long and painful process to change my life, and it wasn't even deliberate. It was just a survival thing. But there are some things I learned. It turns out a lot of platitudes are quite true.
-Always lead with kindness. Treat people with the compassion and friendliness you are hoping to be shown. But don't EXPECT anything from anyone else. Be kind because it is the right thing to do. How people respond will tell you a lot about them.
-As long as you do the above, you have no reason to care about what anyone else thinks of you. People who treat you poorly or mock you or abuse you are not people you want in your life and they are not people who should take up any space in your head. Which brings me to...
-Don't be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life. You can be kind about it, you can be polite about it - but there's no need to include them in your life unless they are a coworker, and then you can set boundaries quite easily.
-Learn about boundary setting. That actually harks back to my point about not expecting anything from anyone to a certain extent. You should respect the boundaries of others, but also know how to set your own and maintain them kindly and firmly.
-If you're lucky, you'll get a job doing what you love and that you're very good at. But that doesn't always happen. I'm good at my job, but I don't love it. Meh- that's fine. It lets me live the life I want to live. Decide what is important to you, and go after that.
-Be the friend you want to have.
-Be thankful. Look, my personal mantra when stuff gets bad is "At least I'm not in Somalia." We have so much to be grateful for in the developed world. Being thankful just puts you in an optimistic mood and provides an awful lot of perspective.
-Ask questions. Not invasive ones, just general stuff. People will often surprise you with their answers.
Great post! You offered some great pointers.
As a lifelong introvert who suffered a great deal with social anxiety and loneliness, I know all too well how difficult life can be when navigating life with 'social' issues. For the most part, I'm social enough th where I have enough friends and to where I can function well socially. But it's been a long road.
For me, I have issues with being 'ok' while I wear different social masks. Because I am a natural introvert, I realize that I have to be pro-active in social settings in order to meet more people, make new friends, establish connections, etc, but the problem with doing that is it feels PHONY, like I'm betraying my inner moral compass. Sure, I know how to act, what to say, and what not to say to be effective in social settings, and doing all of that requires actively wearing a variety of social masks, most of which do not accurately represent what I am truly feeling or thinking. So the way I see it, at least for me, is that to be socially successful and appropriate, I have to often be phony, devious, and disingenuous enough to play along with the social dance. I have to often feign interest, or conversate when I don't feel like it, or act in ways that are opposite of who I am -- all for the sake of acceptance.
You mentioned you were tormented by bullies as a kid. Were you abused by your parents also and not nurtured and valued by your family? This could be the root cause. Maybe Attachment Disorder? I have no idea. I knew a woman whose parents never held her or hugged her as a child. She was 34 and her parents never ONCE told her "I love you". Her parents were emotional invalids and passed this down to her. She never could keep friends and would sabotage and undermine whatever friends she made briefly.
Do not be afraid you will be " judged" by a therapist. They sign a professional oath never to allow their personal bias to taint their treatment of the patient. Even if their patient was a murderer or pedophile they are bound by professional ethics not to judge or shame the patient.
Sounds like you had multiple trauma your entire life. Being unloved, abused and isolated for so many years exacerbated by our feelings of isolation.
A wonderful treatment of therapy for so called "incurable" and "hopeless" people is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. There are freembooksnon DBT you can check out from the library. It was invented by a tragically tormented woman who spent most of her childhood teenage years and adult life bouncing in and out of mental hospitals. Marhsa Linehans family gave up on her and told her she was a screwup. Even her doctors and therapist gave up on her. She did self harming cutting and many suicide attempts. She tried lots of medication and useless therapies that did not work. Then she got FED UP with so called experts and completed a masters degree in psychology. Marsha Linehan cured herself of severe Borderline Personality Disorder by inventing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Sometimes the patient is blamed because medication does not work. Some psychiatrists are nuttier than their patients and badly misdiagnose the patient with the wrong condition. There are incompetent mental health workers who do not have the skills to be giving treatment but they are billing insurance and screwing up their patients! On Dr Phil I have seen him interview dozens of people who were misdiagnosed and put on the wrong medication for years.
Most psychiatric disorders are a combination of the physical structure of the brain not properly formed in the womb as a fetus and child abuse and child neglect. So do not blame yourself. It is important to take full responsibility for your life but self shaming and self stigmatizing is so defeating. Have you tried support groups? Also doing yoga, tai chic and meditation definitely helps.
Exercise and healthy food is so important. I was born with clinical depression and all my relatives are bipolar, u bipolar, schizophrenic, alcoholic, you name it. Three suicides in my immediate family. I have three college degrees and tons of skills but have been out of work for six years. My professors told me I am brilliant but straight A grades do not matter if I am unemployed! So I definitely have my issues. Some days are better than others and I just "soldier on".
Hold fast to your center.
Joining NAMI local chapter will help you to break out of isolation. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a million times better than conventional cognitive talk therapy. Conventional cognitive talk therapy does not work with a lot of people and then they feel worthless after years of therapy counseling. It is because it was the wrong treatment modality and the therapist used the wrong technique.
Info not know if you behave in an anti social manner which results in an inability to make friends. I knew a student in my college who said he wanted to be my friend. Two days later I saw him on campus and he was screaming at me in an enraged hussy fit for no reason and unprovoked. The first time I met him he told me he had Aspergers Syndrome. He was a brilliant student but could not socialize well with people due to temper tantrums.
I have no idea what is going on with you but strongly encourage you to bond long term with a good therapist you really trust. I know for abuse survivors who were abused in childhood and never bonded wwith parents emotionally that being able to bond on a long term basis with a trusted therapist is incredibly important.
I highly recommend you contact your local chapter of NAMI. National Alliance for Mental Illness. NAMI is not run by psychiatrists orntherpists. I like NAMI because it is run by consumers of mental health services and their families and loved one. If you are broke and live on disability benefits meetings are free and you can join for $3.00 a year.
Last edited by TruthTeller1954; 10-25-2014 at 01:25 PM..
Reason: typos
IMO this should have been THE reason you were going to the counselor, as it is affecting every single area of your life. You are wasting your money in not being totally transparent with him. Your social life has never come up in therapy? your inability to teach or get along with others has never been brought up? Your fear that you have Asperger's has never been brought up? Your lack of confidence and inability to set healthy boundaries has never come up even though it's causing you to fail in your career? What on earth do you discuss then? Why are you even going if it's not to challenge your self, open yourself, and change?
I did mention it, but I think it's been taken as frustration with my current situation, not really a perceived inability. I've been given a few suggestions, like, "go to places in the community where you feel comfortable and start a conversation," "look for job opportunities where you can deal with foreign kids and / or adults," "stop worrying about what everyone else thinks," and "get out and try new things." Maybe what I say in counseling, though, and what I mean don't translate that well. I'm better at communicating my feelings in writing, because I have more time to think. Sometimes, I find myself just a tad uncomfortable in front of the counselor, and I just want to get the session over with.
Also, currently I'm seeking services through something that offers free services to college students. I don't think I could afford a counselor outside of this right now. Also, I did get tested for Asperger's, but I'm still waiting on the results.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
PS, what happened to your job teaching foreign kids? I thought that was going much better for you than trying to teach in a standard classroom was?
I'm working with mostly adults, and it's going great. I've even been offered to come back as a full teacher, but it's a volunteer position. I'm grateful for the experience nonetheless.
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You might start changing your life circumstances by, first, changing your personal opinion of yourself. It's a common mistake to equate your own self-image with what you imagine other people to think of you. IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU. It's only important for you to be able to enjoy a, 'clean relationship' with God and, otherwise, be at peace with yourself. 
At age 53 that I am now, and decided many many moons ago, this is not a bad thing. Life is life that we make it, not what others would make for us. We don't have to 'win' socially to be happy in our lives. In fact, truth be told about myself, I am most happier when alone as it is then my worries are small. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it and I stopped thinking about what others would think along time ago. 
