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My natural default, as a rational pragmatist, is to listen to my head instead of my heart, but occasionally I end up really regretting it. In fact, three of the biggest mistakes of my life are the result of my doing that.
How would you feel if one or both of your parents passed while you were away, and what guarantee do you have that you will ever return if you stay? Surely there are grad programs and jobs in California...
Finish your grad program and go from there. You can stay in touch with your friends and family, and make the best of your time there with your boyfriend and kitties. Focus on what you do have and what you can do, not what's not there. It's a couple of years, not a lifetime.
This is what I don't get. I would have treated it as an adventure, at her age. I understand that she is away from her parents, and that they are not well. My answer to that would be to visit more frequently. Have your parents visit you. Go home on breaks from school, when possible.
This is three years! Many people visit and enjoy Arizona - or what ever desert state she finds her self in. She has a good job, and she is working on her masters degree.
Personally, I did my undergraduate work at a very well regarded college that happened to be located in a decaying New England mill town. I used that opportunity to volunteer with Big Brother and Big Sisters of America. I was privileged to give a little girl her first birthday party - she was nine. I taught ESL. I took up photography and took pictures of New England architecture and the Berkshire mountains.
As another poster wrote, there is an old saying "Bloom where you are planted".
She is not on the front lines in Iraq. Nor is she working off her college debt as a volunteer for Teach for America, at some back water desert boarder town, with no Starbucks or trendy stores.
Most people in the US don't have the pleasure of "taking day trips to San Fransisco". Or getting masters degrees. Or having good jobs.
There are many Americans who have never seen either coast. Or who wish for an undergraduate education, but find that unattainable.
Sorry, folks. For me this is beginning to reek of ' First World Problems".
I think that with the OPs attitude, and her inability to see this as a temporary adventure, that she should return to California and transfer to another university. She does not seem able to cope with anything that is less than perfect, and it might have a negative impact on her studies,
I feel you on not liking where you live. I totally get that. But you are not there permanently. You are there as a temporary adventure, and a means to an end. This is what you need to do to get to the goal of living a comfortable life in your dream location--CA!
Two years really is a short time. I find the years pass more quickly when I have event/trips scheduled every couple of months or so--even if they are small, weekend trips. Preferably every few weeks. Like, literally written on the calendar.
Have you explored the lakes in the immediate area? Is a small boat, kayak, or even paddle board an option to get you in the water? Headed down to Rocky Point, if you are inclined to cross the border? How about taking cooking classes or creating a bucket list of local activities/eateries, etc. that you can check off as you go?
Now, I DO love the desert. I like the heat. I love Phoenix. BUT it's a compromise to have the sunshine and desert I love with no beach access (though San Diego is easily doable for a weekend trip--could your parents meet you there sometime?). For me, having a lush green (but small) back yard with a small pool is a must in Phoenix. You may be able to swing a nice, smaller rental with a pool if you compromise with a longer commute...? Would that be an option? Rentals with pools are not difficult to find in the valley--finding a place with a lush yard to go with it might be more of a challenge, but you could always add some potted palms to the patio if necessary.
I know it isn't the ocean, and it isn't home. But for me just having a view of water out the back window, and lush greenery, takes the edge off the monotony of the desert that even gets to me at times, much as I find the area very beautiful. It's also nice to take a quick dip during those hot summer days. In fact I always recommend that people moving from California to the Valley of the Sun get a place with a pool. No, it's not hard to maintain, and even if it was it'd probably be worth it.
Did you post that you felt the area was overcrowded? May have been someone else. As you know by now, the valley is geographically huge. If you want to live in a less crowded area, you can add 20-30 minutes to your commute and live in a development that feels less crowded. The compromise is the commute, of course. Hey, move out to Verrado in Buckeye and you'll get lush greenery that many transplants love AND a less crowded area, lol. Of course you'll have an unfun commute every morning on the 10. Tradeoffs.... For me, having a nice little house with a pool in a pretty neighborhood I like could overcome a lot of other daily annoyances. Not everyone feels that way, I realize.
Find a favorite restaurant. Buy tickets in advance to the MANY concerts & events--this marks the time in smaller increments until you are done with your little project (grad school) and can get on with living where you want to live without having to scrape by.
You're doing great. You don't have to stay there. Stop looking back at the "mistake" you think you made, and start making plans for what you're going to do with your future, which will be bright and prosperous because of the excellent choices you're making now. And count yourself lucky that you learned this lesson before it was more permanent in nature. Now you know where you want to be, and you are creating the means you need to reach that goal. Good for you! How many people can say that?
Last edited by Montanama; 02-17-2016 at 02:42 PM..
My family lived near campus. I recall visiting a building which featured glassed in animals, such as gila monsters and rattlesnakes. I don't know if the building is still there after half a century, but it may be worth checking out interesting stuff around the area. Also, a family down the street xeriscaped their front yard with cacti, which I thought was interesting.
Last edited by Tim Randal Walker; 02-17-2016 at 03:16 PM..
You have a time limit on how long you have to be there, you are making decent money, you have a boyfriend, you have a job and grad school to keep you busy. I understand your frustration, but I'm gonna say you just should suck it up for now and make a choice to be happy where you are. You are paying your dues so that in a few years you will be able to further build the life you want. And let's face it, even though Arizona is (imo) just a very weird state, it's really not a hell on earth and your situation is pretty darn good.
If you really find yourself with time to be miserable, it's time to do what others have suggested and join some meetup groups, volunteer, catch up on your reading, get a pet, window shop, expand your cooking repertoire, go to the gym, write (if not stories, then letters/emails to your parents), keep in touch with old friends online and through cards/letters, explore weird little spots, etc.
I spent a lot of time working on my happiness when I was younger. When I'm stressed or down, I kind of do what I call a "gratitude" check. At a minimum, I know that I am loved, I have the means to make a decent living, I have good people in my life, I have decent health (mental and physical), I know who I am - these are all important things that I am thankful for. I can weather anything else with the knowledge that the situation will improve eventually.
People like us are very privileged when you think about it - we are educated and living in the US. The world is really our oyster. That doesn't mean we never have a down day, but it does mean we are free of many of the struggles that afflict a significant amount of the world's population. I am not minimizing your misery - merely suggesting you look at it in the context of a much bigger picture.
This really helped me put things in check, thank you so much! I agree... while Arizona is the desert and not my favorite place in the world, not EVERYONE at my 22 years of age can afford to live in California on their own, and that's ok! Once I have a masters and experience under my belt, I will have a lot better shot at doing what I want. Also, I think it's VERY important for me to remember that the move is temporary, like you said "two years....two years...two years..." and this program in the end will be worth it. I'm taking a lot of interesting classes and I have the opportunity to travel on the weekends and in the summer when I'm not swamped with homework.
I just have to keep repeating... Arizona is not hell on earth, AZ is not hell on earth.... even though in the summer it TRULY feels like it is... :P
My family lived near campus. I recall visiting a building which featured glassed in animals, such as gila monsters and rattlesnakes. I don't know if the building is still there after half a century, but it may be worth checking out interesting stuff around the area. Also, a family down the street xeriscaped their front yard with cacti, which I thought was interesting.
My natural default, as a rational pragmatist, is to listen to my head instead of my heart, but occasionally I end up really regretting it. In fact, three of the biggest mistakes of my life are the result of my doing that.
How would you feel if one or both of your parents passed while you were away, and what guarantee do you have that you will ever return if you stay? Surely there are grad programs and jobs in California...
That is my biggest fear! I hate thinking I am wasting time away being from my family... my parents had me a lot older than most... and they are on the older end. It's not that I couldn't find a job and a grad. program in California, it's that going back would put me behind.
I have a year of the program (almost) under my belt and there's no guarantee I would be able to transfer any of my classes... ALSO, application cycles are only once a year and the deadline just passed, so I would have to wait another year to even APPLY to most affordable "state" colleges. Also, I'm getting in-state tuition at my Arizona grad school (because of a western reciprocity program), so that's another plus...
I guess it's following my heart or my head, because the "smart" thing to do would be to not put myself behind and stay here.
Job-wise... the bay area is VERY hard to afford. I make around 18 an hour now in AZ and IF i'm able to find something that pays that in California, I could not afford to live in San Francisco, where all the jobs are. Plus, I haven't been at my job long enough that I could use them as a reference... I would basically be leaving them in a bad spot... so it's not smart to leave with both of my commitments...
This is what I don't get. I would have treated it as an adventure, at her age. I understand that she is away from her parents, and that they are not well. My answer to that would be to visit more frequently. Have your parents visit you. Go home on breaks from school, when possible.
This is three years! Many people visit and enjoy Arizona - or what ever desert state she finds her self in. She has a good job, and she is working on her masters degree.
Personally, I did my undergraduate work at a very well regarded college that happened to be located in a decaying New England mill town. I used that opportunity to volunteer with Big Brother and Big Sisters of America. I was privileged to give a little girl her first birthday party - she was nine. I taught ESL. I took up photography and took pictures of New England architecture and the Berkshire mountains.
As another poster wrote, there is an old saying "Bloom where you are planted".
She is not on the front lines in Iraq. Nor is she working off her college debt as a volunteer for Teach for America, at some back water desert boarder town, with no Starbucks or trendy stores.
Most people in the US don't have the pleasure of "taking day trips to San Fransisco". Or getting masters degrees. Or having good jobs.
There are many Americans who have never seen either coast. Or who wish for an undergraduate education, but find that unattainable.
Sorry, folks. For me this is beginning to reek of ' First World Problems".
I think that with the OPs attitude, and her inability to see this as a temporary adventure, that she should return to California and transfer to another university. She does not seem able to cope with anything that is less than perfect, and it might have a negative impact on her studies,
I do not disagree with you that I am privileged and lucky in many ways.
I really do appreciate the perspective you placed on my problem, but "first-world problems" or not, I came to this forum to get help because I missed my family and I miss home. I think anyone can feel homesick and anyone can feel regret due to a move where they feel isolated. This forum, though has helped me realize that people do have to sometimes "pay their dues" and that's what I needed to hear. I agree, Arizona is not the worst place in the world, I am NOT on the front-line of Iraq... and that is an important perspective to have.
I do disagree, though that I'm unable to "cope with anything that is less than perfect." I don't think you know me well enough to say that.
I've been "coping" for over a year and I had a moment of weakness... I'm sure I'm not the first 22 year old who considered moving back home and feeling homesick after moving away for the first time. I just wanted some advice on how to make the next two years more bearable, because I really do feel homesick and miss my parents. I work, intern, and have classes so going home isn't as feasible as I would like, but I agree, it is a good idea for me to put effort into having it happen more often.
This was a very important perspective though, so thank you.
I feel you on not liking where you live. I totally get that. But you are not there permanently. You are there as a temporary adventure, and a means to an end. This is what you need to do to get to the goal of living a comfortable life in your dream location--CA!
Two years really is a short time. I find the years pass more quickly when I have event/trips scheduled every couple of months or so--even if they are small, weekend trips. Preferably every few weeks. Like, literally written on the calendar.
Have you explored the lakes in the immediate area? Is a small boat, kayak, or even paddle board an option to get you in the water? Headed down to Rocky Point, if you are inclined to cross the border? How about taking cooking classes or creating a bucket list of local activities/eateries, etc. that you can check off as you go?
Now, I DO love the desert. I like the heat. I love Phoenix. BUT it's a compromise to have the sunshine and desert I love with no beach access (though San Diego is easily doable for a weekend trip--could your parents meet you there sometime?). For me, having a lush green (but small) back yard with a small pool is a must in Phoenix. You may be able to swing a nice, smaller rental with a pool if you compromise with a longer commute...? Would that be an option? Rentals with pools are not difficult to find in the valley--finding a place with a lush yard to go with it might be more of a challenge, but you could always add some potted palms to the patio if necessary.
I know it isn't the ocean, and it isn't home. But for me just having a view of water out the back window, and lush greenery, takes the edge off the monotony of the desert that even gets to me at times, much as I find the area very beautiful. It's also nice to take a quick dip during those hot summer days. In fact I always recommend that people moving from California to the Valley of the Sun get a place with a pool. No, it's not hard to maintain, and even if it was it'd probably be worth it.
Did you post that you felt the area was overcrowded? May have been someone else. As you know by now, the valley is geographically huge. If you want to live in a less crowded area, you can add 20-30 minutes to your commute and live in a development that feels less crowded. The compromise is the commute, of course. Hey, move out to Verrado in Buckeye and you'll get lush greenery that many transplants love AND a less crowded area, lol. Of course you'll have an unfun commute every morning on the 10. Tradeoffs.... For me, having a nice little house with a pool in a pretty neighborhood I like could overcome a lot of other daily annoyances. Not everyone feels that way, I realize.
Find a favorite restaurant. Buy tickets in advance to the MANY concerts & events--this marks the time in smaller increments until you are done with your little project (grad school) and can get on with living where you want to live without having to scrape by.
You're doing great. You don't have to stay there. Stop looking back at the "mistake" you think you made, and start making plans for what you're going to do with your future, which will be bright and prosperous because of the excellent choices you're making now. And count yourself lucky that you learned this lesson before it was more permanent in nature. Now you know where you want to be, and you are creating the means you need to reach that goal. Good for you! How many people can say that?
This helped me so much!! And I really appreciate your positive mind-set. Two years really isn't that long, but for a young 20 year old, it can seem like forever.Thank you for that... I agree, small goals will really help me and I think a big help will also be planning a trip, or two a month. Even if it's just a day-trip to Flagstaff or Sedona. I think a big aspect of Phoenix I dislike is the HEAT. I find it to be much more depressing and oppressive than the snow. heck, I mean it's 92 degrees right now in FEBRUARY! Whaaat?! I think it would help for me to write down some trips planned on my calendar. I'm hoping to travel to Seattle and Portland this summer
I live in Gilbert, and I really do like the area, it's one of my favorites in the Valley besides Scottsdale, but Scottsdale gets pretty expensive! I've actually never visited Buckeye, but hey, that could be my next day-trip! I just looked up pictures and it looks beautiful!
I do really like lakes in the immediate area, they're great! I have visited Canyon lake and Saguaro and they're both beautiful! I also liked seeing all the Cowboys, lol!
long-term my goal would be living somewhere like San Diego, or Seattle, but two years, like many of you have said is a very small price to pay for a better future and I know that "running away" from my feelings now WON'T make my life easier, especially if at the end of two years, I will have experience from a good job, two great internships from my masters program, and a masters... I think that would make a long-distance job search a lot easier. If I go back now, with my BA, half a masters degree, and just a year of job experience, it won't be nearly as attractive.
Really thank you everyone so much! You have given me a new perspective on this Journey. It might not be the "best" place in the world and in fact I rather dislike Arizona, but it's not the end of the world and I AM LUCKY to be able to do what I am doing...
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