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I have never, ever lead with "I want to find a wife and be married" on a date. No way. Saying it here and saying it out loud in real life are 2 different things. So I certainly agree with what you wrote here, except maybe for the casual dating part. Of course, that is also more common with millennials than any other age group.
*nods*
I was just trying to say, like...out of all the people who claim that...some really are...some maybe not totally. Not if the right person came into their life, and the sparks started flying and all. And I imagine that there are ways to gently frame certain questions to figure out which is which.
I was just trying to say, like...out of all the people who claim that...some really are...some maybe not totally. Not if the right person came into their life, and the sparks started flying and all. And I imagine that there are ways to gently frame certain questions to figure out which is which.
If that makes sense?
Yep, makes total sense. I didn't think you were accusing me of that, but wanted to communicate it anyway. Sparks flying aren't even a reliable indicator of success once the honeymoon ends in 12-18 months and the real work begins.
Yep, makes total sense. I didn't think you were accusing me of that, but wanted to communicate it anyway. Sparks flying aren't even a reliable indicator of success once the honeymoon ends in 12-18 months and the real work begins.
Hmmmm...yes and no?
I mean, I never felt sparks at all for my Ex. And many years later when I made that clear to him, it wasn't just a thing of falling out of love, I never really felt all in love at all...that hurt him a lot. I went through most of my life thinking that whenever I was with anyone, either no one felt strong feelings or if anyone did, it was one person but not the other. So I might as well settle for the guy who at least believably felt strongly for me, and maybe I'd eventually fall in love with him. That never happened. And my feelings towards him, did grow in both positive and negative ways...but the positive was more familial, like any family member who was by your side for ages, through thick and thin, sure there is a bond of love and care that exists. But negatively, I developed a ton of resentment and even contempt for him over the years.
Not good.
Now I am not talking about some kind of instant "omg you're so hot I wanna crawl all over you" chemistry. When my fiance and I first met, the strongest emotion I felt was curiosity. He kept me interested and intrigued for a while. But we had been a sexually involved couple for about 6 months (during which time I was still calling it "casual" and keeping everything very low-pressure) when BOOM...it was like suddenly I was arse over teakettle. Sparks isn't even an adequate word. It was intense.
I do think that if there's no "honeymoon phase" of any kind, then there's not the best foundation of love to begin with. It isn't EVERYTHING but I think it's SOMETHING. If that makes sense?
But without the safe space to let that grow, without the careful boundary of "nothing serious" around my perimeter with the partners I had then...if he'd insisted on a commitment or fidelity from me sooner...we would not have got that far. I simply wasn't ready. Perhaps a bit of patience could get some to a different mindset. But in some cases, likely not. *shrug*
I mean, I never felt sparks at all for my Ex. And many years later when I made that clear to him, it wasn't just a thing of falling out of love, I never really felt all in love at all...that hurt him a lot. I went through most of my life thinking that whenever I was with anyone, either no one felt strong feelings or if anyone did, it was one person but not the other. So I might as well settle for the guy who at least believably felt strongly for me, and maybe I'd eventually fall in love with him. That never happened. And my feelings towards him, did grow in both positive and negative ways...but the positive was more familial, like any family member who was by your side for ages, through thick and thin, sure there is a bond of love and care that exists. But negatively, I developed a ton of resentment and even contempt for him over the years.
Not good.
Now I am not talking about some kind of instant "omg you're so hot I wanna crawl all over you" chemistry. When my fiance and I first met, the strongest emotion I felt was curiosity. He kept me interested and intrigued for a while. But we had been a sexually involved couple for about 6 months (during which time I was still calling it "casual" and keeping everything very low-pressure) when BOOM...it was like suddenly I was arse over teakettle. Sparks isn't even an adequate word. It was intense.
I do think that if there's no "honeymoon phase" of any kind, then there's not the best foundation of love to begin with. It isn't EVERYTHING but I think it's SOMETHING. If that makes sense?
But without the safe space to let that grow, without the careful boundary of "nothing serious" around my perimeter with the partners I had then...if he'd insisted on a commitment or fidelity from me sooner...we would not have got that far. I simply wasn't ready. Perhaps a bit of patience could get some to a different mindset. But in some cases, likely not. *shrug*
Hmm, interesting. Its sad you went through that. I've been in love 4-5 times (one or 2 of those could have been lust, idk). I agree there's a benefit to the honeymoon phase. At the very least its something to remind yourself of during the hard times.
If the woman I just ended my fwb thing with thought like you, we'd at least still be friends. Now its unlikely. At least I know I dodged a bullet because I now see her issues very clearly now that there's been some distance.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39
Yep, makes total sense. I didn't think you were accusing me of that, but wanted to communicate it anyway. Sparks flying aren't even a reliable indicator of success once the honeymoon ends in 12-18 months and the real work begins.
It's not an indicator of success ofc........BUT it's still needed IMO.....because not having any sparks at the beginning is an indicator of not wanting it to be a success.......
It's not an indicator of success ofc........BUT it's still needed IMO.....because not having any sparks at the beginning is an indicator of not wanting it to be a success.......
I don't know. If there are sparks, it might be an indicator of danger. You might be getting shot at. Never try to date at a shootout.
J/K
Sparks are nothing if they ain't followed by any explosions.
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