Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
His behavior spells out red flags for domestic violence all over the place.
1. Jealousy for no reason
2. Accusing you out of nowhere
3. Possessive
4. Breaking into your private information
I bet he's self-projecting through his own actions/behaviors. They call engagements, engagements for a reason. You have no legal commitments, no strings, no ties attached.
It's your choice to move on from someone like this or not. Chances are, it won't get any better after marriage. Only worse. You can't change a person. You can't wait for them to, either.
It doesn't matter if he acts this way because he's a cheater, or he's a whackjob, or he horribly insecure. He's acting abusively and will only escalate in abuse. OP said "we need counseling," well, I'd bet a good amount that he won't consider it or think "we" need it.
OP might be better off getting the number for an abused woman shelter, or figuring out what to do when she has to run out of the house at 3am with no shoes on. The controlling has just begun and it will only get worse.
She should get out now and divorce/annul, and it might still be too late- the most dangerous time is when a woman leaves that abusive man.
Please please please do not become pregnant.
. . .They call engagements, engagements for a reason. You have no legal commitments, no strings, no ties attached.
It's your choice to move on from someone like this or not. Chances are, it won't get any better after marriage. Only worse. You can't change a person. You can't wait for them to, either.
I guess you missed the part where it turns out they're already married after all.
Thank you to everyone who commented. I appreciate your brutal honesty and I accept the fact that
- We need counselling.
Thank you all, again.
If you're still around: if he refuses to go to counseling, or quits, that's another huge red flag. It would mean the situation isn't salvageable (not that we believe it is anyway, but you can try if you want). If he does go, make sure the counselor informs him of domestic violence laws in the US.
Hi guys, I need fresh eyes to look at this situation, as it is bugging me constantly.
I've been engaged to this guy for about 20 months, and we got engaged after 2-3 months of dating. Even though I was a virgin at 25 when we met, he has always suspected me. He grilled me several times and at the beginning, wanting to know what specifically I had "done" in the past, even going as far as to asking if I was gay.
We live apart, and he has always been obsessed with the idea of me "cheating". When we started, if he phoned me and I was unavailable for any reason, it meant that I was being suspicious even though I called him back asap. It doesn't help also that he is very cunning. On one occasion, I invited him to church with me, he pretended he wasn't coming, dropped me off at the station, and immediately followed me on the train back to church to see if I indeed was going where I said I was. When confronted, he said it was because I gave him a reason to believe that I was cheating by not always answering my phone immediately. One public holiday, I had lots of work to do at home so I told him I was going to work when I wasn't (I didn't want to be disturbed). He called my work, and as I wasn't there, he concluded I was cheating. He confronted me about it, and I admitted that I lied about going to work, but only because I needed to get some work done at home. He was terribly upset about this, even shouting at me down the phone. It was only later that I realised that he got so emotional because he had assumed that I was cheating, not because he was betrayed by me lying about where I was. He admits that he has had several partners before me, and also that he had never been 100% faithful to any one of them. Yet, I do not try to grill him in the same way. I do not assume that he is cheating when anything happens, if he doesn't answer his phone immediately. The funny thing about this is that the day he told me that he had never been faithful to anyone before (even in a 5 year relationship that he was in - he said the lady cheated, so he cheated for revenge), he immediately followed up saying that things might get bloody if I ever cheated on him. His first reaction if anything happens between us is "Who have you told?". He says that he doesn't want us bringing 'outsiders' into our marriage issues, which is a valid approach, but I am beginning to doubt the intention behind this.
Recently, I found out that he has (without my knowledge), not just hacked into my Twitter account but also set up his phone to receive an alert whenever anyone mentions me or sends me a message on Twitter. This is not just a hack which lets you log into my Twitter. This is an alert like a text message. This means that wherever he is, whatever he is doing, he wants to know what who contacts me on Twitter. He does have a Twitter account but isn't interested in anything I have to say and so he isn't following me. Rather he is interested in the private messages I get, and what messages people send me. By the way, I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to hide there. I do have male "followers", but these are people who I learn from. I'm quite interested in business and technology and I think it's a great learning resource for other people's experiences. So I don't mind that he can see all my conversations. What I mind about is that 2 months to our wedding, this man is convinced enough that I might be flirting with other men, that he is still trying to catch me out through various methods. This worries me, because why would anyone go through wedding planning and preparations with someone they don't trust? I'm not a flirt, I don't have many friends yet I'm being treated like a criminal. I almost regret saving up myself all these years only to end up being monitored and investigated for infidelity for no just cause. This breaks my heart because I don't treat him the same way, and I don't know what I have done to deserve this kind of treatment.
The ironic thing is that early this year, I met a guy on the plane, who can be desribed as a ladies man. This man stared at me for the entire duration of the 6-hour flight, at the end of which he stopped me to chat me up. I initially thought he recognised me from somewhere, but when it seemed he just wanted to chat a girl up, I told him I was married and walked away. I narrated this to my fiancer, and by pure coincidence 3 months later, it turned out the same guy in question was dating my fiance's cousin, and had narrated the incident to her as well, confirming my story in public. If anyone ever needed reassurance, then I would have thought that would be it - but my fiance says that his problem is that I shouldn't even have had a conversation with a stranger in the first place! So basically he's not convinced that I wouldn't sleep with any odd guy that catches my fancy if he had the right qualities. When you love someone, have given them yourself in a way that you'll never give anyone, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, this is very hard to hear. I understand that he has been cheated on before, and it was difficult for him, being a very very caring guy, but it still doesn't justify punishing me for other peoples sins.
What do you make of this, guys? Are his fears justified? Am I potentially wayward? Are all these suspicious behaviours? I don't want to end up in an abusive, controlling marriage.
Speaking as a guy; i think this sounds like him being a very jealous type / overthinker.... As in he is just obsessed constantly that he's not with you. Most guys would think that you are lying about being ar virgin at the age of 25. Other's would call you a true lady; I would called it the 2ed. Did something happen earlier in his life that he has a fear of you leaving him for another person? Maybe he should see a therapist? i'm not so sure just sharing my opinion, but it just sounds like you need to sit him down and talk to him on a 1 on 1 level and tell him how your truly feel. Tell you how you REALLY feel if you deeply love him [ which you do if you're going to marry him ] Sometimes some people just need to hear for themselves how much someone does truly care before they can realize that they can trust another. If he does care a lot as well; are you sure he's not bi polar?
I guess I do love him at the end of the day. He has some great qualities apart from these, and these are minor faults of his which I have seen improvements from time to time. My hope is that we can resolve these issues, and live peacefully together without looking over shoulders for the rest of our lives. Does this sound naive?
These are NOT minor faults. Theses are HUGE RED FLAGS.
I guess I do love him at the end of the day. He has some great qualities apart from these, and these are minor faults of his which I have seen improvements from time to time. My hope is that we can resolve these issues, and live peacefully together without looking over shoulders for the rest of our lives. Does this sound naive?
Let me be frank.....YOU'RE AN COMPLETE IDIOT IF YOU MARRY THIS PERSON. I GUARANTEE IT WILL END IN DIVORCE AND YOU WILL BE MORE MISERABLE THAN YOU ARE NOW.
Yes, I said GUARANTEED divorce. 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway and most of them don't start off with the issues you're facing.
Don't be stupid. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
