Blue Collar- White Collar family upbringing is causing a clash in my marriage (love, kids)

[the_dimwit]

Originally Posted by 2mares

And?


My family is also blue collar. I’m one of the few to earn a degree and professional position. My folks did not pay for my education, did not support my endeavors or attend my graduation.
My family is good, honest, decent, hardworking people and I have the upmost respect for them. Paying for college or being involved in your college experience is not a parent’s obligation. Not doing so does not make a family dysfunctional.

But pushing your child to forgo a "life better than what I have/had" isn't exactly a typical parental attitude. Furthermore, working to make your child feel bad because he/she wanted an education because, well, he/she wanted to do something else with his/her life is downright cruel. I can see how the OP would have a dim view of her family/parents, even if it doesn't directly affect him.

--Dim

[Chowhound]

The OP mentions nothing about the "content of their character" as MLK would say. I find that lower socioeconomic class doesn't and shouldn't translate into "low class" Stand back, get some perspective, and as others have said, deal with it. Unless you wanna be divorced or live in an unhappy marriage.

Just because someone doesn't make references to Nietzsche while sitting at the dinner table, doesn't automatically qualify them as stupid.

[Socially Inept]

Originally Posted by 2mares

And?


My family is also blue collar. I’m one of the few to earn a degree and professional position. My folks did not pay for my education, did not support my endeavors or attend my graduation.
My family is good, honest, decent, hardworking people and I have the upmost respect for them. Paying for college or being involved in your college experience is not a parent’s obligation. Not doing so does not make a family dysfunctional.

I would not have respect for any parent who did not emotionally support and show interest in their child's education.

[NilaJones]

OP, now that you have written more, I notice you anger fairly boils off the page. Is that a problem you have in general, in life? Do you get angry a lot, and dump it on people around you? Or is this issue uniquely enraging?

Again, counseling. I rarely suggest it in this forum, but I think it is what will make you happy. Unless you are just looking for an excuse to dump your wife or cheat.

[rego00123]

i get along with just about every "type"
i don't place expectations on anyone to be any way with me, there is no conflict to be had

intent is what matters, not behavior.

you both adults, its time to stop living in the past and holding grudges for things that cant be redone or changed

[Mikala43]

How in the world is this turning your marriage upside down? Plenty of people do not like their in-laws, it's a problem as old as time.

[Peanuttree]

My family is also blue collar. I’m one of the few to earn a degree and professional position. My folks did not pay for my education, did not support my endeavors or attend my graduation.
My family is good, honest, decent, hardworking people and I have the upmost respect for them. Paying for college or being involved in your college experience is not a parent’s obligation. Not doing so does not make a family dysfunctional.

I'm sorry but there's seriously wrong without offering ANY help or emotional support for such a basic part of life. Regardless of what you say you're parents are indeed lacking in some part of their personality/life.

OP, now that you have written more, I notice you anger fairly boils off the page. Is that a problem you have in general, in life? Do you get angry a lot, and dump it on people around you? Or is this issue uniquely enraging?

Again, counseling. I rarely suggest it in this forum, but I think it is what will make you happy. Unless you are just looking for an excuse to dump your wife or cheat.

There is literally nothing in the pages of this thread that even remotely comes close to that. Where are you getting that? Alls he's said is he doesn't like his inlaws and thinks lower class people are less intelligent in various weays.

It seems like lobbing accusations of being an angry person is the only real answer half the people here have to give.

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by Socially Inept

In my OPINION if you take a random group of white collar professionals, who make good money and had a college education, and compare them with working class poor people who have very little education, you will find vast differences between their social and intellectual skills. Yes, there are some people who make good money, work in high status jobs and are highly educated who are terrible mothers and fathers and lack any social skills. But in general, IN MY OPINION, the higher the person's income and education and employment status the more likely they will be good conversationalists, great people to be around and are more committed parents and brothers and sisters. Part of success is learning to be social and your behavior and personality has a higher impact on success, so these skills are more enhanced in many middle class or higher people.

On the other hand, I find a large number of poor, working class people have weak social and emotional intelligence and lack middle class sensitivities towards each other.

But what I was getting at is there is a culture class between the working poor and someone who came from my background. And the mentality of my wife's family still hurts her today.

It's much easier to be functional when something as simple as your car breaking down isn't going to result in financial catastrophe, job loss or god knows what else. It's much easier to be functional when you have the cushion of cash to keep life running smoothly. Sure, some people are poor because they're not very bright or because they don't have the necessary social/academic/professional skills to get ahead. And some people are poor because of bad luck. My favorite ex easily had a genius-level IQ, but was raised by a drug addict with undiagnosed bipolar disorder - he will never be anything more than a very well-read forklift driver and mechanic because of his upbringing, and while I hope he manages to find a functional relationship, I'm not optimistic. Yet, I have another friend whose wealthy "Old Southern Money" parents almost enabled her death because of their callous treatment of her bulimia (after having driven her to developing the disease with their bizarrely demanding social expectations). White-collar families may be a little less dyfunctional, but the also have less reason for dysfunction. It's also hidden a little better - take a closer look at your friends and family. You'll find it there, where you hadn't seen it before, I have no doubt. It's just been normalized to you.

But while working-class manners may be a little more coarse and the verb conjugation can be dismal, there's no excuse for abusive treatment. Your issues seem to be shifting. NOw you're claiming you're upset on your wife's behalf because of their behavior toward her, but initially your problem was with lack of intellectual curiosity and verbal skills. What is really the problem in your eyes? Because you're not articulating yourself very well.

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

How in the world is this turning your marriage upside down? Plenty of people do not like their in-laws, it's a problem as old as time.

Exactly. I'm not sure how this affects the marriage. I mean, if it was fine before he met the family, how is meeting the family driving it off the rails???

[SouthernRXMan]

Mine are from the hills of North Carolina and so down to earth- everything about them helps me understand how and why my wife does things that may irritate me. In fact iam closer to them than my own.