How to let her down gently and am I shallow? (male, lover)
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I see both sides of this. Everyone is entitled to want what they want. I don't think OP should keep dating this woman knowing he's not attracted to her in some sort of effort to avoid being shallow. He should let her down as easy as possible and he should definitely not go into detail about why, although I'm sure any woman with half a brain could make the connection that everything was going great until he saw her body.
However, it's not easy to make a great connection with someone. OP obviously enjoyed talking to and getting to know this woman prior to this incident. No one is ever going to be perfect and have every quality inside and out that you desire. I am not suggesting that you settle for anyone who comes along, but sometimes you have to be realistic with your expectations. I'm not saying you go for someone 100 pounds over weight, but for me personally, a few extra pounds here or whatever other small physical flaw would NOT be a reason to dump someone I was really enjoying getting to know.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,058,884 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I'm not saying you go for someone 100 pounds over weight, but for me personally, a few extra pounds here or whatever other small physical flaw would NOT be a reason to dump someone I was really enjoying getting to know.
It's a non factor for me as well. But I don't have a model body either. Now, if they stunk in bed, that's another story...
You made decision to get to that point. You could abort at that point. Totally your decision.
If I get a big tattoo across my chest (one that realistically can't be removed without drastic expense and work) and I meet a girl, take my shirt off when we get to that point, and she HATES tattoos. Would you criticize her for not wanting to sleep with me if she liked me mentally, emotionally, and chemistry wise?
I wouldn't. I made that choice. That choice has consequences. She wasn't happy with how I am physically. The end.
It would be more like your going to work, being involved in an industrial accident, and being somewhat disfigured for the rest of your life. It was your choice to go to work, yes. Your disfigurement was an unintended consequence of going to work, not something you deliberately did to yourself like a tattoo.
Look, I understand about physical preferences. I didn't give the OP any grief about it. But you said that stretch marks can be exercised away, and they can't. Then you said that they can be avoided altogether, which is true if women terminate their pregnancies before knowing whether they will get stretch marks or not.
By the way, I got stretch marks on my legs when I was 12. I grew six inches in two years, and then four more inches in the next four years. Those marks weren't the result of pregnancy, just being unusually tall. I didn't get much of a choice.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,058,884 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
It would be more like your going to work, being involved in an industrial accident, and being somewhat disfigured for the rest of your life. It was your choice to go to work, yes. Your disfigurement was an unintended consequence of going to work, not something you deliberately did to yourself like a tattoo.
Look, I understand about physical preferences. I didn't give the OP any grief about it. But you said that stretch marks can be exercised away, and they can't. Then you said that they can be avoided altogether, which is true if women terminate their pregnancies before knowing whether they will get stretch marks or not.
By the way, I got stretch marks on my legs when I was 12. I grew six inches in two years, and then four more inches in the next four years. Those marks weren't the result of pregnancy, just being unusually tall. I didn't get much of a choice.
Again, you use a horrible analogy. As a debilitating / disfiguring accident is rare. Body changes from pregnancy are not. In addition, not working isn't a realistic choice. Not having offspring is a perfectly fine choice.
Where did I say "stretch" marks could be exercised away? I didn't. What the OP was talking about wasn't tiger claws, but loose skin, a flabby belly. They are different. Even if you can't exercise that away (a few people won't be able to, a pretty small percentage), it can be fixed. For some reason people are making this out to be about stretch marks, it isn't.
Don't attribute words to me that I didn't say. Thank you.
Women cannot control everything that having a child does to their body. They can lose the weight and stay in shape - but you can't control what your SKIN does after you have a baby. That's up to your genetics. Some women don't get stretch marks. Some do. Some don't have stretch marks but are left with extra skin that just won't go back. It happens. There's really nothing you can do about it.
But all that is neither here nor there. The OP has a problem with it and so all the rest doesn't really matter. Whether or not the OP is shallow doesn't really matter either. It is what it is. Also - let me say this. She didn't have the OP's children. I think that makes a HUGE difference. A husband who is in love with his wife probably isn't going to mind her having stretch marks or extra skin on her tummy after she has given birth to his children. But the OP isn't in love with this woman and she didn't give birth to his children. And like I said before, I wouldn't want to be with someone that wasn't totally attracted to me.
I dated a woman re: bolded.
Quite attractive woman. Took care of herself really well except working out frequently. Very pretty, tall, curvy, and thin.
But her stomach has this extra unproportional belly going on (mother of 2). And she was extremely self conscience about it. Funny thing is, this woman ghosted me! Haha, I guess I didnt look/be good enough for her! Imagine that. Here I am, ok with her stomach, and she's like, this guy doesnt do it for me. We got along really well. Had fun, all that. I'm guessing she didnt have that spark she needed with me.
I think everyone has the right to their preferences. If the OP isn't into her because of her tummy, then so be it.
He's 40 and never married. Maybe he is better off that way. Most people that are going to settle down do it before 40, so there is probably a huge reason he never settled down and got married. Can you convince me any man or woman that easily obtains dates but never gets married into the 40's or 30's even is single because they cant find their perfect match ? NEVER.
OP is single for a reason. Sounds like he isnt just sleeping with women and ghosting cause they aren't good enough. So let him have his standards.
Society places so much importance on height, hair, money, looks, whatever.
If everyone else is allowed to have standards, then why not the OP ?
And if he is a balding out of shape fat dude looking for a VS model, well, good luck with that. But even then, that guy will likely be single forever anyway, so who cares ?
Again, you use a horrible analogy. As a debilitating / disfiguring accident is rare. Body changes from pregnancy are not. In addition, not working isn't a realistic choice. Not having offspring is a perfectly fine choice.
Sure, to someone who does not want children. Aborting my husband's children because of stretch marks was not a perfectly fine choice, especially with the motive that somebody else someday might not find my body appealing. If that makes sense to you, keep on trucking I guess.
How about car accidents? Or any accident, really. My husband broke his collarbone years ago and has a weird lump there now. It was his choice to ride that motorcycle. Still not the same thing as going to a tattoo parlor and getting something inked on your chest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Where did I say "stretch" marks could be exercised away? I didn't. What the OP was talking about wasn't tiger claws, but loose skin, a flabby belly. They are different. Even if you can't exercise that away (a few people won't be able to, a pretty small percentage), it can be fixed. For some reason people are making this out to be about stretch marks, it isn't.
Don't attribute words to me that I didn't say. Thank you.
Fair enough. However, stretch marks do not heal shut, because the skin is scarred. The lack of elasticity is what causes the loose skin. Scars do not usually go away and return to acting like normal skin. It's like telling someone to try to exercise the scars on their hands or knees away.
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