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I really had to hear it from other people that it was an emotional affair. It felt wrong for us to be spending so much time but I never thought of it as an affair since he was not attracted to me so I felt safe with our friendship. He really believes that we are not doing anything wrong as long as we are not physically intimate.
Another thing that made me think that he was not capable of an affair was when he found out about his wife's affair, he could have retaliated and had another affair but he never even flirted with me. So it cemented my belief that he is not capable of cheating I guess he really isn't but I am just being used an ego boost or emotional crutch?
How do I cut him off?
I'd tell him that he has a lot to figure out between he and his wife, and for your own wellbeing you need to back away from this situation. And the next part is not to engage him further when he replies, nor let him manipulate you into staying in contact with him or propping him up.
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you're beginning to see the situation for what it really is. Emotional affairs escalate so much more slowly than physical ones, and there's not a distinct line in the sand between friendship and emotional intimacy, so it's easy to kid yourself about what you're doing. Try not to beat up on yourself too much over this. Just take it as a lesson learned and move on.
Thanks everyone. I didn't communicate with him today. Honestly, it makes me feel bad to ignore him but I know that this is for the best.
But really, even if he was not attracted and had no sexual desire for me, that is still an emotional affair or was it just him using me as his emotional crutch or ego boost?
But really, even if he was not attracted and had no sexual desire for me, that is still an emotional affair or was it just him using me as his emotional crutch or ego boost?
Perhaps easier said then done, but I wouldn't go down that path. I don't think anything good will come from beating yourself up over whether or not you were being used. No ONE but him knows the answer to that. Good for you for keeping some distance today.
I have a friend that I met through a forum where we are both regulars for over 5 years. In the past we would only interact through threads but starting January of this year we started to interact through PM. We got close because we were both victims of an NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). We then progressed to emailing then text/viber on February. We are the same age (33) and move in the same social circle so we have a lot in common (friends, interests, experiences, likes etc). The first time we texted each other we found ourselves on the phone the whole day. This went on for about a week. The problem is he is married and has 2 children (first child from his first gf and second child from his wife). I started to feel bad about myself because I felt like it was wrong for me to become close to a married man and take so much of his time. I also did not want to cause any issue in his marriage if his wife starts to notice his being on the phone a lot. I have a rule of not getting close to men that are in relationships (gf/wife) and I started to question my values because of this. Why am I now breaking this rule? He is a man of good character judging from the forum and our conversations. He was never close to other women during his 6 yrs of marriage until us. I think he recognized the attraction so we agreed that we have to control ourselves and not let ourselves fall for each other because we wanted to maintain our friendship. We totally cut contact for about one week then he initiated a text again. We were limited to a few texts, sometimes one exchange for a day. He really has my respect and I know how much he loves his wife. He talks about her all the time. We never had a conversation where he would not mention his wife.
On Monday night (3 days ago), I was surprised to get a call from him at 11:30 pm! He NEVER calls me and it was out of his character to suddenly call so late at night. .
Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmic_girl
I really never thought we were having an emotional affair since he was not attracted to me and there was no flirtation going on. And he always talks about his wife fondly. He never spoke about issues in his marriage until he called me the moment he found out his wife had an affair. That was the only time he confessed to having problems.
Let me spell this out for you so that it's CRYSTAL CLEAR...
First off....you mentioned above that there IS an attraction...he was never close to another women during his 6yrs of marriage until "us". Then you go on to say he recognized the attraction so you agreed that you both have to control yourselves....so which is is????? You claim later that there is no attraction on his part. Sounds like there is to me based off what you wrote in your OP. Oh, and you are not an "us"...you are two internet personalities.
Do you know his wife? Does she know you or know of you? If he's hiding you from her then you are not "just friends".
Now, look at the rest of the bolded parts. First it started out online, then it progressed to PM, then it progressed to email and text, then it progressed to him calling you. You keep pushing that proverbial line back to what you would consider appropriate. He is playing you and it is so blatantly obvious.
He needs an angle to push that proverbial line again. So of course he's all broken up over her cheating but at the same time, he's Oh-so-dedicated to his marriage. He's playing the victim and he wants you to take on the role as his rescuer...this is all to make you feel as though you are important in his life. You are supposed to swoop in and save him!! He just needs a shoulder to cry on and you are the only one he can talk to...uhhhh-huh. I have a bridge to sell you if you believe all that BS.
Honey, the ONLY reason he is crying to you is to push that line back a little further. I can almost GUARANTEE it. The next step....he'll want to meet, ya know, just as "friends". Sure.
Stop being so damn blind. He doesn't give a crap about you. This is all self-serving for his own ego. Recognize this situation as a complete disaster and walk away before you start telling yourself "it just happened".
This is what insecure people do when they are LOOKING for outs on their relationship.
It's much easier to jump when someone is holding a net for you to fall in to
You need to stop viewing it for what you want it to be and start seeing it for what it is.
Let me spell this out for you so that it's CRYSTAL CLEAR...
First off....you mentioned above that there IS an attraction...he was never close to another women during his 6yrs of marriage until "us". Then you go on to say he recognized the attraction so you agreed that you both have to control yourselves....so which is is????? You claim later that there is no attraction on his part. Sounds like there is to me based off what you wrote in your OP. Oh, and you are not an "us"...you are two internet personalities.
Do you know his wife? Does she know you or know of you? If he's hiding you from her then you are not "just friends".
Now, look at the rest of the bolded parts. First it started out online, then it progressed to PM, then it progressed to email and text, then it progressed to him calling you. You keep pushing that proverbial line back to what you would consider appropriate. He is playing you and it is so blatantly obvious.
He needs an angle to push that proverbial line again. So of course he's all broken up over her cheating but at the same time, he's Oh-so-dedicated to his marriage. He's playing the victim and he wants you to take on the role as his rescuer...this is all to make you feel as though you are important in his life. You are supposed to swoop in and save him!! He just needs a shoulder to cry on and you are the only one he can talk to...uhhhh-huh. I have a bridge to sell you if you believe all that BS.
Honey, the ONLY reason he is crying to you is to push that line back a little further. I can almost GUARANTEE it. The next step....he'll want to meet, ya know, just as "friends". Sure.
Stop being so damn blind. He doesn't give a crap about you. This is all self-serving for his own ego. Recognize this situation as a complete disaster and walk away before you start telling yourself "it just happened".
I think he is attracted to my personality but not sexually? He said he wants to fix his marriage and I feel that he is still very much in love with his wife.
I can't imagine him as the bad guy since he seems to have good values. Maybe there is no malice in his actions? It looks like his self esteem is badly damaged since he is blaming himself for the affair. I still think he is not capable of a sexual affair though
But I am keeping my distance from him. I really don't want to complicate my life
He wants to have sex with you. His wife may or may not be cheating on him.
I really have to disagree with this. I could tell he enjoys our conversations, but he is not sexually attracted to me. He never flirted with me and talks about his wife all the time.
I really have to disagree with this. I could tell he enjoys our conversations, but he is not sexually attracted to me. He never flirted with me and talks about his wife all the time.
If he was in your living room naked would you sleep with him?
Be honest, you find him attractive so now I am curious.
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I guess he really isn't but I am just being used an ego boost or emotional crutch?
