How To Support A Friend Whose Wife Cheated On Him (girlfriend, marriage)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been a lurker for a few weeks and found that a lot of members here give very insightful comments so I decided to create a thread on what has been bothering me for several days.
I have a friend that I met through a forum where we are both regulars for over 5 years. In the past we would only interact through threads but starting January of this year we started to interact through PM. We got close because we were both victims of an NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). We then progressed to emailing then text/viber on February. We are the same age (33) and move in the same social circle so we have a lot in common (friends, interests, experiences, likes etc). The first time we texted each other we found ourselves on the phone the whole day. This went on for about a week. The problem is he is married and has 2 children (first child from his first gf and second child from his wife). I started to feel bad about myself because I felt like it was wrong for me to become close to a married man and take so much of his time. I also did not want to cause any issue in his marriage if his wife starts to notice his being on the phone a lot. I have a rule of not getting close to men that are in relationships (gf/wife) and I started to question my values because of this. Why am I now breaking this rule? He is a man of good character judging from the forum and our conversations. He was never close to other women during his 6 yrs of marriage until us. I think he recognized the attraction so we agreed that we have to control ourselves and not let ourselves fall for each other because we wanted to maintain our friendship. We totally cut contact for about one week then he initiated a text again. We were limited to a few texts, sometimes one exchange for a day. He really has my respect and I know how much he loves his wife. He talks about her all the time. We never had a conversation where he would not mention his wife.
On Monday night (3 days ago), I was surprised to get a call from him at 11:30 pm! He NEVER calls me and it was out of his character to suddenly call so late at night. He told me that he found out that his wife was having a sexual affair with her boss. The wife's boss is also married with children! I was dumbfounded because I knew how much he loved his wife and I never would have imagined this because they seemed like a happy family. I felt so hurt for him because I did not think a good man deserves this. He told me the details on how he confirmed it was sexual and I really felt disgusted on how his wife could betray him like that. He cares for his wife a lot and does not even let her go home alone, he dutifully brings and picks her up from work daily. There were times when he would have to wait for 3 to 4 hrs for her because she has a meeting, turns out those were the times she was having sex with the boss He never mentioned having any issues with his wife to anyone so I had no idea that for the past few weeks she has been treating him poorly like bringing up money issues and snapping at him on very little things. He also noticed that she has been dressing up a lot, going on a diet and always on the phone. That's probably the reason why our one week of texting constantly did not bother his wife, was because she was busy with her boss. She also asked him to buy a pregnancy kit when they have not been having sex for a month or so. All these things triggered him to check on her FB while she was sleeping.
My friend has not confronted his wife about the affair and he has no plans of telling anyone else but me. He scheduled for Catholic counselling next week and he said he will not confront her until then. He wants to protect the reputation of his wife to his family and friends. He also knows that if the affair comes out in the open, the career of her wife would be ruined. He is also protecting his child (6 yrs old) because it would not be good for her to find out her mother had an affair. Since then we have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and I would listen to him. It hurts me to find out more details about the affair and I have been so stressed out that it has been affecting my sleep and work. I try not to say anything negative about his wife and I am keeping my opinion for myself but this is really hard for me emotionally. I don't know what more to do or how to support him. It has been affecting his health and I am worried for him because his family has a history of depression. He does not want to have a broken family because he already came from one and told himself that he would not let this happen to his child. He already feels bad that he did not get to marry his first GF (The first gf also cheated on him so their marriage did not push through). I think this has damaged his self esteem a lot and he is blaming himself because the 2 women he loved in his life cheated on him. His mother also cheated on his father. He wants to fix the marriage only so his child will not have a broken family. He also does not want to go through the complications of splitting assets. But he said that his trust is gone. I really want to walk away because it has been affecting me negatively but I feel bad for abandoning a person who only has me to confide in during a difficult period in his life. I really don't know what to do anymore. I admit that I am attracted to him but I will not act on this. I just want to help ease the pain he is feeling now.
Well, if I were you I would stay out of it. She was having a physical affair, you two were having an emotional affair.
This right here. Poor him
Their marriage is a train wreck. He's been chit-chatting you up since January and this was ok? Meanwhile his wife was probably wondering why he wasn't paying any attention to her.
Walk away OP. There is nothing you can do for him and you are on a very, very slippery slope. He is playing a game, and you are eating right out of his hands. Just warning you.
Thanks for your replies. His wife was having an affair before we became close. I think this is the reason why he became close to me, because she has been treating him poorly for the past few months. We were only in constant communication for one week in February then we stopped because we felt it was wrong.
It really makes me wonder what makes up for an emotional affair? I really think he is not capable of having a physical affair and never flirted with me.
He sent me a text just now that he was able to read his wife and her boss's FB message last night and they were talking about going on an overnight trip and taking a shower together. I just feel sorry for him that someone he loved so much betrayed him.
I do want to walk away but it makes me feel guilty since he only has me to confide in Am I being a bad person if I did just that?
It's not that you are being a bad person, I don't think you are a bad person. It's just that you are setting yourself up for getting hurt. To be honest, you met on a message board. Well, then if you want to help direct him to this message board and he can vent on here all day and get feedback from somewhat compassionate people.
I thought the same, that I will get hurt in the end. When he does confront his wife about the affair and they decide to fix things, I will cut all contact with him so he could focus on fixing his marriage. So now I am just absorbing all the negative energy. But I'm thinking maybe the reward is to have helped a person go through a difficult period in life?
I feel guilty that it turns out we had an emotional affair? I guess I had to hear it from other people. We were convincing ourselves we were not doing anything wrong since he is not flirting.
Location: I don't know..If you find me, let me know.
639 posts, read 678,879 times
Reputation: 673
A girlfriend of mine went through a scenario similar to this. Honestly just you.being there supporting him is good. Don't bring it up anymore. When he is ready to talk let him talk your ear off. Don't smother him because he needs time to heal. I would go over to his house with a football and toss it around or play video games, cards whatever he is into just to keep his mind occupied. It's a tough situation your buddy is going through and he is fortunate to have someone that even cares enough to ask advice about it.
The worst thing you can do is force women on him but I'd you do go out point out hot chicks but don't force anything. Hope he pulls out of his funk soon. I'm sure with a buddy like you he will
I am not reading all of that but from the title I would say if you know a lot of intimate details and you are female and you think you have become "close" to this friend.
Just listen, don't talk
Don't get close physically when talking
Don't get sucked into the "you are such a good friend" and then there is a surprise kiss
Keep your conversations about anything but you and him
Try and limit your contact with him, one person can only handle so much depression and they really should not expected to handle any of it.
Honestly I would not be dealing with this myself, he needs to be talking to his wife not you.
He needs to keep you out of it completely and I myself would absolutely cut contact for a while
and let him and his wife get it sorted out.
You are currently a distraction and as long as he has you to fall on he does not have to deal with the reality of his life and his wife.
Walk away. His story sounds like a big lie to me that he has created to continue your relationship and use as an excuse for his own affair. Emotional affairs are just as devastating to a marriage as physical affairs.
First, examine your motive for wanting to help him. Be honest about it. I think you will find your answer about what you should do.
I am very confused too. I admit that I am attracted to him but I will not let it go beyond attraction. I also believe that the attraction is one way since he doesn't appear to be attracted to any other woman than his wife (in spite of the affair) I'm thinking if we can still be friends given the circumstances
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He never mentioned having any issues with his wife to anyone so I had no idea that for the past few weeks she has been treating him poorly like bringing up money issues and snapping at him on very little things. He also noticed that she has been dressing up a lot, going on a diet and always on the phone. That's probably the reason why our one week of texting constantly did not bother his wife, was because she was busy with her boss. She also asked him to buy a pregnancy kit when they have not been having sex for a month or so. All these things triggered him to check on her FB while she was sleeping.
