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Great article. Been there. See it all the time in the abuse business.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HuntFishRepeat
Its all pretty simple, DONT ACT CRAZY ! and you won't be called crazy. Whats so hard to understand.
Simple is the word that comes to mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1w0n
The easiest way to take care of passive aggressive behavior, is to not allow it to own you. It's the other person's problem, not yours. And once you can do that, all the things he used to make you feel will magically disappear. If you want to discuss something, and start to feel your blood pressure rise, because of PA behavior, acknowledge it, and walk away, because a PA, is only as effective as the other person allows, the one sided argument, will quickly dissolve.
This is great advice. But these types don't target people who can actually let it roll off their backs. They target people who can't. Otherwise, there would be nothing in it for them.
Great article. Been there. See it all the time in the abuse business.
Simple is the word that comes to mind.
This is great advice. But these types don't target people who can actually let it roll off their backs. They target people who can't. Otherwise, there would be nothing in it for them.
Yes, exactly, and why it's actually easy to do. All it takes is a little education, from a therapist, friend, or online forum. Armed with that knowledge, you can quickly dispatch the power they once had over you. Imagine a game of ping pong, remove one player, and the one that's left, soon gets bored, hitting balls that never come back.
I'm going to disagree based on personal experience. It isn't that women aren't capable of logic... it seems to me that objective, rudimentary, cold logic often takes a back seat to more visceral, subjective analysis of the situation or context.
When it comes to this thread, we are talking about women who are being subjected to abusive behavior. Unless a person has witnessed it, or has been able to look within and changed it, you really can't have any idea where it comes from. I've been around, and I've never met a woman who was "crazy or illogical" without being provoked. Anyone who says, "but I don't provoke her, I don't even know why she is mad, I don't yell back at her" needs to go read up on passive aggression. Everyone reacts differently when it comes to feelings. Men like to get angry whenever they get scared or vulnerable, while women might act illogical, when they feel disrespected, or hurt....only the individual can tell what triggers their reaction.
Here's a simple example:
Your wife has been asking you to mow the lawn....
You say sure, after the game is over....
once it's over, you continue to watch post game shows....
she asks you if you are going to do it...
You tell her that you are still watching....
She knows that the game is over, and you are stalling...
You decide to go visit your friends....
All of a sudden she goes ballistic on you....
You ask, why are you mad, I work all week, I want to go see my friends....
she is pissed off, and is yelling at you....
you respond, by telling her, "Im not going to argue, I'm out of here"
You get into your car and leave...
She may throw a pot at you....
Classic passive aggressive behavior....
This has probably been played out many times, and she is tired of you ignoring her. Telling her that you don't want to argue about it, says you don't care how she feels. Walking away is a big F off....she is hurt, and tired of being ignored, so she screams to get your attention, and may throw a pot at your head for emphasis.....
You call her crazy
She is actually reacting to her feelings
This Dr nerd love is doing a huge deservice to both genders by suggesting her being "crazy" can be reasoned with by merely lending an ear. When she first exhibits signs of being "crazy" it's best to contact local authorities who will likely place her with mental health providers for an observation period to determine why she is threat to herself or others.
This Dr nerd love is doing a huge deservice to both genders by suggesting her being "crazy" can be reasoned with by merely lending an ear. When she first exhibits signs of being "crazy" it's best to contact local authorities who will likely place her with mental health providers for an observation period to determine why she is threat to herself or others.
I think the spirit of this thread and article was not talking about crazy being psychologically ill. IMO, there is a woman driven to act crazy, and one who acts crazy who is psychologically ill. And you are right, in the case of someone who is psychologically ill, and is a danger to themselves and others, should be evaluated by a mental health professional. If a woman is psychologically ill, she will exhibit behaviors at anytime. Whereas a woman who is provoked and reacts by acting crazy, only does so when she is provoked. So in that case a man can remove that type of behavior, by treating her with respect and compassion.
I think the spirit of this thread and article was not talking about crazy being psychologically ill. IMO, there is a woman driven to act crazy, and one who acts crazy who is psychologically ill. And you are right, in the case of someone who is psychologically ill, and is a danger to themselves and others, should be evaluated by a mental health professional. If a woman is psychologically ill, she will exhibit behaviors at anytime. Whereas a woman who is provoked and reacts by acting crazy, only does so when she is provoked. So in that case a man can remove that type of behavior, by treating her with respect and compassion.
I understand people's objection to the word choice. I understand the history and many people's current attitudes towards women's ability to manage their emotions and how that makes people sensitive to a word like "crazy". In addition, I'm in no way supportive of passive aggressive behavior by anyone, but I'm all for people being responsible for their choices.
What are you saying about women when you say or imply that meeting passive aggressive behavior with violent or abusive verbal behavior makes sense to you? Are you saying those behaviors are justified when someone doesn't cut the grass? I don't know about you or the women you know, but no one can provoke me into doing something I don't want to do. If I do something foolish ore violent or abusive, it's because I chose to act like a fool or someone violent or abusive.
Word choice aside, are you suggesting women get a pass?
When it comes to this thread, we are talking about women who are being subjected to abusive behavior. Unless a person has witnessed it, or has been able to look within and changed it, you really can't have any idea where it comes from. I've been around, and I've never met a woman who was "crazy or illogical" without being provoked. Anyone who says, "but I don't provoke her, I don't even know why she is mad, I don't yell back at her" needs to go read up on passive aggression. Everyone reacts differently when it comes to feelings. Men like to get angry whenever they get scared or vulnerable, while women might act illogical, when they feel disrespected, or hurt....only the individual can tell what triggers their reaction.
Here's a simple example:
Your wife has been asking you to mow the lawn....
You say sure, after the game is over....
once it's over, you continue to watch post game shows....
she asks you if you are going to do it...
You tell her that you are still watching....
She knows that the game is over, and you are stalling...
You decide to go visit your friends....
All of a sudden she goes ballistic on you....
You ask, why are you mad, I work all week, I want to go see my friends....
she is pissed off, and is yelling at you....
you respond, by telling her, "Im not going to argue, I'm out of here"
You get into your car and leave...
She may throw a pot at you....
Classic passive aggressive behavior....
This has probably been played out many times, and she is tired of you ignoring her. Telling her that you don't want to argue about it, says you don't care how she feels. Walking away is a big F off....she is hurt, and tired of being ignored, so she screams to get your attention, and may throw a pot at your head for emphasis.....
You call her crazy
She is actually reacting to her feelings
I hope you stick around here. Really. You have good insight.
This is exactly the kind of passive-aggressive crap that ended my last serious relationship. I said many times I was tired of his chronic lateness. My compromise was that if we were just going to have dinner and weren't on a schedule, fine, 15 minutes won't matter BUT that if we had to go to an event, appointment, or some other occasion that had a set schedule, he needed to be on time. Precious little improvement, so finally I said if it happened again, he could go alone.
So the day of an appointment, he calls me 10 minutes before he's supposed to be at my place and says he'll be there in 25 minutes, or 15 minutes late. When does he show up? Thirty-eight minutes after the originally agreed-upon time. So I told him to go alone. He wouldn't accept that--no respect for my feelings about it at all--until finally I let him have it, raised voice and all.
And of course, me losing my patience with seven years of that chit means I'm the crazy one.
I hope you stick around here. Really. You have good insight.
This is exactly the kind of passive-aggressive crap that ended my last serious relationship. I said many times I was tired of his chronic lateness. My compromise was that if we were just going to have dinner and weren't on a schedule, fine, 15 minutes won't matter BUT that if we had to go to an event, appointment, or some other occasion that had a set schedule, he needed to be on time. Precious little improvement, so finally I said if it happened again, he could go alone.
So the day of an appointment, he calls me 10 minutes before he's supposed to be at my place and says he'll be there in 25 minutes, or 15 minutes late. When does he show up? Thirty-eight minutes after the originally agreed-upon time. So I told him to go alone. He wouldn't accept that--no respect for my feelings about it at all--until finally I let him have it, raised voice and all.
And of course, me losing my patience with seven years of that chit means I'm the crazy one.
Thanks....I'm glad that I was able to figure it out quickly, and change. In all honesty, it's easy to do, is effective, and in nature doesn't get looked at as being abusive. Only after someone experiences it, can they finally understand why it makes people react as if they were crazy. A person can only take so much, they try to let it go, a lot of times calling it irresponsible, or childish. What 's so ugly, is that the passive aggressive has no clue they are doing it, because it's the way they operate. They think they aren't even abusive, not one thing they do could be classified as being abusive...what they do won't make someone bleed right? I'll share something that I did a long time ago, and it was the last PA act I did, but I paid for it, with guilt.
I walked into the condo, and my g/f is in a mood. This is before I found out she was manic depressant, and this behavior was just beginning to show. Whenever she was in a mood, I would roll my eyes and ask, are you going to have another episode? That would get a screaming FU...So I sit down and start reading the paper. She is trying to tell me why she is so mad. The way I handled it was by ignoring her, and reading the paper. She let out a scream, and I lowered the paper just enough to see the butt end of the cordless phone, just before it hit me in the eye ball. I hold in my anger, sit up and walk towards her. As I come up on her, she swings at me, hitting my nose and causing it to bleed. I never say a word. I get right into her face, cornering her, blood drips onto the floor, as I look down on her, I didn't say one word, I just looked her in the eye, what I saw I will never forget. What scared her? Probably the fact that she threw the phone and hit me, hit me over the nose and made me bleed, and I never blinked, never flinched, and I stood there, silently saying that if I wanted to, I could F you up. It wasn't what I was thinking, but that's what she felt....She was deathly scared, I couldn't believe how scared she looked, and I snapped out of it, and backed away. She was shaking, and wouldn't move from that corner. I decided to call a therapist, one for couples and a psychiatrist for her. The shame I felt, from causing that fear in her, was quadrupled when I found out that she was M/D. And later found out there was a name for what I did. The guilt made me try as hard as I could to help her. I spent thousands on therapy, but in the long run she wasn't ready to commit to healing. I still stay in touch, and knowing that I did everything possible at the time, allowed me to forgive myself.....
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