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I've seen only a few people calling the husband selfish. Are you sure you weren't reading the posts about another poster's acquaintances, in which the husband agreed to be the sperm donor but has nothing to do with the kid despite living with her?
I've counted at least half a dozen calling him everything from a-hole, to selfish, jerk, etc.
I think some people here believe what a husband wants is secondary to what a wife wants. I'd be curious to see the responses here if it was some guy who had a change of heart about wanting kids but the wife was firmly against. My guess is you would see a lot of "her body, her choice" comments.
Again, where are you seeing all these comments? Most of the people that have commented admit it is a hard situation. Only a few outliers have called the husband selfish.
Well, sometimes you have to make changes. It's a shame the single guys are the only ones who get that. I guess it's like they always say...."nice guys" aren't really nice at all. The decorated combat VET is a pushover and lets her be happy.
America.....HA!!
Excuse me, this is not a minor change. It's about as major as you can get. He's in his 40's and is probably thinking about retirement not changing diapers.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,154,762 times
Reputation: 3814
Okay, have you changed your perspective any at all?
I dont mean your mind, but stepped back and looked at the situation logicly. You are both getting older. Raising a baby would bring a lot of stress on you both. At first, you have to get up every two hours at night to feed the child. Breastfeeding is really being pushed because of the health benefits to the child. Every 2 hours for how long?
Broken sleep is not rest. Combat soldiers live the same lifestyle in active war. Its not pretty.
How would you handle the baby being colicky, and practically screaming for the entire first year of its life?
Not to depress you more, but you are both approaching old age fast. You have 12 years until you are 50. Imagine being 50 and spending all your days with a 12 year old. When the child is 18, you will be 57, and approaching retirement. When they graduate from a 4 year degree program, you will be swiftly approaching collecting your first Social Security check. Think of the financial burden of a college loan at 61 or 62. Will you both be working into your eighties to pay it off?
There is also your age to consider. In all the time in your relationship, you became pregnant once, and miscarried at 14 weeks. That is a not-so-hot reproductive record. IF you manage to get pregnant again, will the child be born disabled? Will the pregnancy survive the testing to find out? Wouldnt that be even more pain stress on you - and also leave you with an even bigger sense of failure?
Maybe the problem is letting go of your youth? You are approaching a period in your life where no random person no matter how old they are is going to be saying, "She's a good kid!"
I would suggest taking up cycling. Endurance training. It gets your body in great shape, and gives you one last youthful hurrah before embracing this wonderful upcoming stage of your life.
I cant help but think given all the facts, that you are the one who is being selfish and impractical right now.
Your husband is thinking rationally. He's looking at reality, while you are caught up in a fantasy. If you feel leaving him is preferable, that's really up to you - but, take it another step then. Have you thought about the possility of winding up a middle-aged single mom? Wow, I would really be depressed if that would happen to me.
If you love your husband, celebrate your age, and get on with planning a lavish retirement with enough time to truely enjoy one another. That's the fantasy Ive been working on lately. Its very uplifting and gratifying too. I get to relive our youth together once again, IF we both live that long!
Let yourself go with the flow. Be happy!
Last edited by ConeyGirl52; 09-25-2014 at 08:03 PM..
Okay, have you changed your perspective any at all?
I dont mean your mind, but stepped back and looked at the situation logicly. You are both getting older. Raising a baby would bring a lot of stress on you both. At first, you have to get up every two hours at night to feed the child. Breastfeeding is really being pushed because of the health benefits to the child. Every 2 hours for how long?
Broken sleep is not rest. Combat soldiers live the same lifestyle in active war. Its not pretty.
Not to depress you more, but you are both approaching old age fast. You have 12 years until you are 50. Imagine being 50 and spending all your days with a 12 year old. When the child is 18, you will be 57, and approaching retirement. When they graduate from a 4 year degree program, you will be swiftly approaching collecting your first Social Security check. Think of the financial burden of a college loan at 61 or 62. Will you both be working into your eighties to pay it off?
There is also your age to consider. In all the time in your relationship, you became pregnant once, and miscarried at 14 weeks. That is a not-so-hot reproductive record. IF you manage to get pregnant again, will the child be born disabled? Will the pregnancy survive the testing to find out? Wouldnt that be even more pain stress on you - and also leave you with an even bigger sense of failure?
Maybe the problem is letting go of your youth? You are approaching a period in your life where no random person no matter how old they are is going to be saying, "She's a good kid!"
I would suggest taking up cycling. Endurance training. It gets your body in great shape, and gives you one less youthful hurrah before embracing this wonderful upcoming stage of your life.
I cant help but think given all the facts, that you are the one who is being selfish and impractical right now.
Your husband is thinking rationally. He's looking at reality, while you are caught up in a fantasy. If you feel leaving him is preferable, that's really up to you - but, take it another step then. Have you thought about the possility of winding up a middle-aged single mom? Wow, I would really be depressed if that would happen to me.
If you love your husband, celebrate your age, and get on with planning a lavish retirement with enough time to truely enjoy one another. That's the fantasy Ive been working on lately. Its very uplifting and gratifying too.
I've seen only a few people calling the husband selfish. Are you sure you weren't reading the posts about another poster's acquaintances, in which the husband agreed to be the sperm donor but has nothing to do with the kid despite living with her?
"But for me life with a man but no kid is not worth at all. you are not being selfish but he is."
"He sounds like a complete A--. Millions of people have children and raise them on their own. It isn't the not having a child that is destroying you, it is his callous inconsiderate reactions to your change of heart. Stop giving him this power.....You have to take your power back."
"Yes, it is selfish at this point"
These are just a few. I also think the ones saying to fake using birth control in the hope he'll "come around" are just as bad.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,063,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by 45 GUY
My Dad was 36 1/2 when I was born. I'm glad he didn't think logically. My grandpa was 33 when my Dad was born. I'm glad he didn't either.
So they were younger, and their wives were probably younger. I can't imagine keeping up with a senior in high school when I'm 58 or so, nor could I imagine trying to be in my last few years before retirement paying tuition.
Retirement at 40 in 2014? lol You're gonna work at least until age 70.....at least. Besides that, who's going to clean out your gutters, mow your lawn, change your diapers and feed you? That kid might be the only wheels you have later on as well. It would be nice to avoid the nursing home by having a kid that helps.
LOL, 70? I'm on target to retire at 56, though I might go a year or two more. Oh and there's the usual "who will take care of you when you get old" nonsense. My grandmother died in a nursing home last year and I visited her when I could. Most of the people there had few visitors. There is absolutely no gaurantee that having kids mean they will be there to take care of you. What if they are living 1000 miles away or overseas?
My Dad was 36 1/2 when I was born. I'm glad he didn't think logically. My grandpa was 33 when my Dad was born. I'm glad he didn't either.
I'm glad you're here alive and hopefully well, but when there's no life ever conceived obviously there's no human entity to ever say like what you said.
Sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I don't think either of you are being selfish, unfortunately it's just something you two can't agree on. However, I don't think after 15 years together and 3 years of pleading he couldn't atleast give you 1! It's not like you're asking him a lot of children, jmo.
This is so foolish I can't even begin.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
But that Q could be asked of any couple that has an agreement to not have kids. Why leave the option open, along with the risk of a surprise? Why put the woman through jerking her body around with hormones, or the guy using condoms? If there's an agreement, then both can get the operation. Why don't more people do this, instead of relying on birth control?
It's a really good question.
I don't want children, but I would not have a hysterectomy and throw myself into early menopause. That messes with your hormones, too. I would rather cross that bridge when I came to it. And...most docs won't perform a hysterectomy on a healthy female under a certain age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 45 GUY
The Ops husband is (pardon me) a horses ass...plain and simple.
Make her cry and beg for something a husband should do at random and free will?
What a jerk.....lose this clown dear and find a better MAN!!
I wonder if people read the OP.
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