Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sometimes I think you guys need to flip the script. If your SO or dating prospect wasn't pursuing you, think about how you'd feel. Would you think they were really that interested in you?
You guys make it sound like this stuff doesn't matter, that her actions or lack thereof doesn't somehow reflect on her actual interest level, but I bet if the tables were turned, you'd see it differently. Over the course of your dating experience, how many guys did you stop taking an interest in because they showed little initiation on their part? That's the question you need to ask yourselves before you critique my methods.
I'm critiquing the fact that you have methods, actually. Everyone is different. The point of dating is to find someone that you are compatible with. You seem to be ignoring that part and only focusing on the equality of the pursuing part. Let me ask you - what is your goal? Is your goal to find a loving relationship? If so - then if you think this woman could be someone that you can see yourself with long term - isn't it worth it to put in some work?
The three major relationships I've had in my life were with men that I knew well before we started dating. I already felt really comfortable with them by the time we were dating so I wasn't afraid of contacting them all the time. There are some women that are afraid of scaring a guy off by coming off as too clingy - so they let the guy make the moves in the beginning until they are sure of his feelings for her. And then there are women that are playing the field and so they don't pursue the guys because they don't care that much. But you don't know for sure what is going on with this particular woman and you seem willing to throw in the towel because she isn't adhering to your rules. So, I would guess that either you are not that into her or you are more concerned about your ego getting bruised than finding love. And that's not a bad thing - in the first case, then I guess it doesn't matter if you let her go or not because she's not worth it to you - and in the second case, you aren't in the right mindset to be dating right now so it's okay to let her go as well.
At the very least - if you really do like her - I would mention to her that you feel like she's not that into you and that if she isn't interested in continuing the relationship, you understand.
I get where you are coming from, but there is that thing, the serenity prayer, which has a lot of wisdom. You know what you can control, know what you can't and don't put effort in to it wastefully. There are some deep cultural dynamics in dating, neither you nor I are changing them.
Do I like it that I'm generally the initiator and asker early on almost all the time? No, not really. But I need to be.
I also am not being pursued by or hit on by multiple people every week. The women I am dating and have dated are.
Though I must admit, the more I think about the "I'm sure we'll cross paths" the more I think she just isn't into you. That is one heck of a flip response.
No offense, man, but the situation you describe does not sound ideal to me. It sounds like she's got you under her thumb and she knows it (and so do you).
I've initiated every date so far. So clearly I am making an effort to see her in person. I also tried having a phone conversation with her, but it was strained and ended abruptly when her phone died and she decided not to call me back.
I am into her and I've shown it throughout this process. Look at it from my POV though. Does it sound like she's all that interested in me? If you want a guy to chase you around for months without anything substantial developing, then I guess I'm not your guy. I have more respect for myself than that.
It really depends. The women that were really into me had no problem showing it. There have been some. They'd call, text me to ask how I'm doing, etc. So maybe my view has been skewed by how they treated me.
You keep asking us to base her interest on you based on her calls/texts. I would say that the best way to see how things are going is to base it on how you are when you are TOGETHER.
Lafleur: Im gonna be out with some friends for a birthday then to some bars. We'll be at XYZ, you can come if you want...
Ms. Sunday: Im sure we'll cross paths...
??? Welp. Thats that.
If I were the girl, I'd prefer my date and I go together to meet his friends instead of me just showing up where he's already with his friends. But who knows what she was thinking?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,210,703 times
Reputation: 40641
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
No offense, man, but the situation you describe does not sound ideal to me. It sounds like she's got you under her thumb and she knows it (and so do you).
Not at all. She doesn't have me under her thumb at all. I have no idea where you are getting that. I say that after returning from a great weekend out of town, that she invited me on, and she paid for almost all of that (weekend in the Berkshires). Early on though (well, except for the first date (post first meeting)) I did the asking and planning of the dates. That is the way dating works. In time it changed.
But if you think you can date someone that will never have another guy hit on them, or pursue them, then you're living in a different world than I do.
At the very least - if you really do like her - I would mention to her that you feel like she's not that into you and that if she isn't interested in continuing the relationship, you understand.
This is reasonable and was something I was considering doing.
Not at all. She doesn't have me under her thumb at all. I have no idea where you are getting that. I say that after returning from a great weekend out of town, that she invited me on, and she paid for almost all of that (weekend in the Berkshires). Early on though (well, except for the first date (post first meeting)) I did the asking and planning of the dates. That is the way dating works. In time it changed.
But if you think you can date someone that will never have another guy hit on them, or pursue them, then you're living in a different world than I do.
It's just the way you worded it:
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Do I like it that I'm generally the initiator and asker early on almost all the time? No, not really. But I need to be.
It makes it sound like she's got you on a leash after seven months and not much is expected from her because she's apparently so gorgeous and has men chasing her. Not my cup of tea, sounds extremely exhausting.
So, Lafleur, are you off the market? Officially or no?
Yes, I'm no longer actively dating women right now because I can't wrap my mind around their unrealistic expectations that EVERYTHING falls on the guy with no reasonable timeline for them to start initiating and showing that they are interested in you being in their lives. Girls who are interested in you WILL initiate things because they want you in their lives. And it does not take months for this to happen. That has been my experience.
If that means I'll forever be single, so be it. I'm a great person and have a lot to offer and I'm nobody's chump.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
They'd call, text me to ask how I'm doing, etc. So maybe my view has been skewed by how they treated me.