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Just wanted to know your perspective here. My husband goes out with his buddies almost every week. He says he is going out for a couple of beers but he leaves home at 6 PM and returns home only around 3 AM.
Is this common?
I have a 3 year old at home and I am expecting my second one in August. I have some pregnancy condition which makes me very tired by EOD. He has always been like this. This is nothing new.
So, i am just wondering, how often do you guys go? Is it wrong on my part to expect him to stay at home or at least return home at a reasonable time.
Your expectation is different from everyone's.
My brother goes out once a week to play ball with his guys. This is Sunday morning though and that's about it. He stopped hanging out going for drinks when he got married. I remember asking him about it long time ago, why he doesn't go out with his guys or if he misses it or not. He said he has decided he's done with that scene, so personal decision to not hang out with anyone anymore. He had a complete change. He used to go out a lot, drink, smoke, drugs, clubbing...you name it. Now that he has a family, he only hangs out with family gathering and he's actually attending church now again and is active. Completely changed.
I have a friend who still goes out partying on weekends, goes home late and acts like she's single in the club and she has 3 kids now. Her husband doesn't necessarily go out, but he stays in the garage, with his guys, drinking until the break of dawn and he does this more than once a week. He actually drinks in his garage almost every afternoon and decided to just not work. They seem to be ok with that arrangement because they're still together (almost a decade now).
Again, IMO, your expectation and what you consider is "reasonable" is dependent on you and what you two discuss.
Yes, this is what I wanted to find out. I guess the overall consensus is that its quite normal.
To answer a few questions, he works in shifts. So basically he also works night shifts at times and so, his concept of day and night are really different from mine who holds an 8-4 job.
He never said I cant go. Its just that, i have never had any friends who stay out so late. Maybe maximum 8 PM for some dinner and some wine but thats about it. Also, I have never know him before getting married.
What bothered me was that, i myself was very tired and he knew it. He could have stayed home. My DD and I came home at 5:30 and he left by 6. I think thats what bothers me. Even the days he is working, he leaves for work like that; so we hardly get to spend any real time. Most weekends he is working.
Yup. Kids are asleep and I get some much needed alone time. Everybody wins, especially if he wakes me up for a quickie when he gets home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beezwacks
So here's the thing...
With young kids, they are in bed by what, 9, 10pm? At that point what difference does it make how late he is out? He's not going to be missing out on any additional kid time
Under those circumstances it would bother me. If you have hardly any time together as it is, then you have every right to be upset.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
Yes, this is what I wanted to find out. I guess the overall consensus is that its quite normal.
To answer a few questions, he works in shifts. So basically he also works night shifts at times and so, his concept of day and night are really different from mine who holds an 8-4 job.
He never said I cant go. Its just that, i have never had any friends who stay out so late. Maybe maximum 8 PM for some dinner and some wine but thats about it. Also, I have never know him before getting married.
What bothered me was that, i myself was very tired and he knew it. He could have stayed home. My DD and I came home at 5:30 and he left by 6. I think thats what bothers me. Even the days he is working, he leaves for work like that; so we hardly get to spend any real time. Most weekends he is working.
I don't think there's a universal right or wrong answer. Some wives wouldn't mind and some would.
I definitely think everyone deserves time away from their responsibilities and time to relax with friends without their SO, but it does sound a little shady going out drinking until 3am every single week. But maybe he is an amazing husband and father every other minutes of the week and this is just his one thing he needs to be able to do to relax.
Yes, this is what I wanted to find out. I guess the overall consensus is that its quite normal.
To answer a few questions, he works in shifts. So basically he also works night shifts at times and so, his concept of day and night are really different from mine who holds an 8-4 job.
He never said I cant go. Its just that, i have never had any friends who stay out so late. Maybe maximum 8 PM for some dinner and some wine but thats about it. Also, I have never know him before getting married.
What bothered me was that, i myself was very tired and he knew it. He could have stayed home. My DD and I came home at 5:30 and he left by 6. I think thats what bothers me. Even the days he is working, he leaves for work like that; so we hardly get to spend any real time. Most weekends he is working.
You didn't know him at all before you married him?
I don't think there's a universal right or wrong answer. Some wives wouldn't mind and some would.
I definitely think everyone deserves time away from their responsibilities and time to relax with friends without their SO, but it does sound a little shady going out drinking until 3am every single week. But maybe he is an amazing husband and father every other minutes of the week and this is just his one thing he needs to be able to do to relax.
Not really. I mean, he is OK. We have plenty of issues. He has this passive/aggressive behavioral trait and he refused counseling. So, I go alone to try to stay strong and to know how to cope with living with someone like this. A lot of times I think why am i still with him. I try to look from a different point. Is he good overall? Yes. So, I try to look for positives. I just havent reached my breaking point yet.
Yes, this is what I wanted to find out. I guess the overall consensus is that its quite normal.
To answer a few questions, he works in shifts. So basically he also works night shifts at times and so, his concept of day and night are really different from mine who holds an 8-4 job.
He never said I cant go. Its just that, i have never had any friends who stay out so late. Maybe maximum 8 PM for some dinner and some wine but thats about it. Also, I have never know him before getting married.
What bothered me was that, i myself was very tired and he knew it. He could have stayed home. My DD and I came home at 5:30 and he left by 6. I think thats what bothers me. Even the days he is working, he leaves for work like that; so we hardly get to spend any real time. Most weekends he is working.
I guess that's the issue on hand that you need to discuss, how you two can spend more time together and what he can do to help out when you're tired, which is a separate issue about him going out in general.
You didn't know him at all before you married him?
No. I didnt know him. I spoke with him for a month over the phone before getting married; we were in 2 different countries at that time. I met him twice before getting married. thats all.
In my culture, arranged marriages by parents is pretty normal.
OP, sounds like there really are a host of issues here, and it is not just all about your husband needing guy time once a week.
In general, having a "me" day in a marriage once a week is fine. It can be healthy. However, honestly, it is up to individual couples to make this decision on what does, and doesn't work for them.
In your situation, if you feel there are times he is running out with his friends and you NEED the help, have ASKED for the help, and he has rejected giving up some friend time or changing it on occasion to provide the help, then I would say that is a problem.
However, the more I hear, the more it sounds like a controlling situation. He displays passive aggressive behavior. You have "not reached the breaking point" and swallow his bad traits for the better of the family. He is skipping out when you need help at home until late at night on a regular basis.
I smell some deep, and serious problems in your marriage, and the frequency of friend nights is not the problem.
Best of luck! Doesn't sound good, especially with a second child on the way.
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