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OP- I get being torn. You want what you dreamed of for your marriage. You want him to want to spend time with your family. It sounds like the going out is not the issue here. It's the fact that he doesn't spend time as a family.
I still think you should start to get out more, even while pregnant. Invite people out, even if they won't stay out late. Start to get a social life away from your family. Alternate nights with your hubby or get a sitter. Start a hobby or join a club.
Oh she doesnt think he will change. She says that I have to make a choice. If I want to live with him, learn the techniques to live with a person like him. If I want to leave him, she will help me cope with separation. Ultimately she insisted I have a choice. For the longest time, I simply couldnt believe that I do have a choice. I guess its more to do with the surroundings and upbringing. Now, I am starting to believe that I can leave this when ever I want to; that I have some sort of control over this.
Just I dont want to apply for divorce this year.
Also, my religion plays mind games with me all the time. I have always believed in the concept of karma. And now I am thinking maybe I did something bad to someone and its appropriate that I suffer the consequences.
I am glad your getting sound advice and do hope the best for you in whatever you decide. You do have a choice, and I certainly know it is not an easy one.
My wife was held back from filing in part due to religious beliefs too. As a Christian, she felt she was meant to simply be obedient to her ex husband and it was sinful to seek a divorce. Yet, with a lot of reflection and help by her pastor, she was able to see this was not the case, she was not commanded to be obedient to such a man, and that seeking divorce was not sin in this situation. I hope you can find similar spiritual peace towards the situation.
Just seems like the the country where you live could affect your choices. Arranged marriages are seen in non-Western countries more often.
It's good that you have choices, and you will make them when you are comfortable with them. You're seeing a counselor and talking with your parents, so you have a support group. You're out in the workforce but haven't made any friends?
At the end of the day you will have to look at the relationship as a whole, and decide what is best for you and the children.
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Yes, I am slowly (with the help of my counselor) starting to believe that I dont have to stay in a relationship that makes me sad. Actually, what I find is, for a lot of people the choice is obviously simple. I wonder why its so hard for me.
At least you have your parents' support and understanding. That's huge!
It's hard for you, possibly because you feel very vulnerable, being pregnant, and already having a child to care for. Of course it makes sense that at this moment in your life, the thought of striking out on your own seems overwhelming. But there are other important factors in the equation:
-- You have your parents' support, and they could help with childcare (we assume), so you wouldn't be entirely alone.
-- You seem to have a good job, which can be a source of strength and provide you some independence. Many women in your position don't have that.
-- Your children deserve to be raised in a loving, happy home.
-- While the situation may seem somehow tolerable, something you could soldier through, consider that this will drag on for the rest of your life. If your husband hasn't adjusted to married life by now, after 2 kids, he's not likely to in the future. The arrival of offspring usually soften a man's heart. That hasn't happened in this case. You deserve better than this for your life.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-29-2015 at 12:45 PM..
There has to be more to the story then husband going out one night week with buddies. If you are going to leave him for that 80% of guys in this country would be divorced. Like I said in a early post I normally go out once a week with my buddies. My wife is fine with it. I help out before I go and then take off. She enjoys spending some time by herself.
Only thing that bothers me is the 3am thing. She has right to know what he is doing until 3am that is very late.
-- While the situation may seem somehow tolerable, something you could soldier through, consider that this will drag on for the rest of your life. If your husband hasn't adjusted to married life by now, after 2 kids, he's not likely to in the future. The arrival of offspring usually soften a man's heart. That hasn't happened in this case. You deserve better than this for your life.
Thats what makes me lean towards separation. Its not the immediate crisis; this is ongoing for life. But Ruth, he did soften up in someways after the birth of my first child. But I am not here to make excuses. I really need to move away from him, at least for some time.
There has to be more to the story then husband going out one night week with buddies. If you are going to leave him for that 80% of guys in this country would be divorced. Like I said in a early post I normally go out once a week with my buddies. My wife is fine with it. I help out before I go and then take off. She enjoys spending some time by herself.
Only thing that bothers me is the 3am thing. She has right to know what he is doing until 3am that is very late.
There is. The real problems her has little to nothing to do with frequency of guys nights out. Read her later posts in this thread. Check her posting history, find her thread in relationships asking about whether prior issues were "passing clouds." She is in a loveless arranged marriage to a controlling and emotionally abusive individual.
She is in a loveless arranged marriage to a controlling and emotionally abusive individual.
Thanks for remembering that thread. Why am I not able to see him the way you put it? I know what you said fits the description but why am I still not able to see it?
Oh Ok thanks for the update. I just got back on here and didn't scroll all the way back. I figure it was much more then just going out part.
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