Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
No, it's not. Going out after work once/wk with buddies for a beer at the sports bar? No problem. Staying out past dinner and then past midnight until 3 a.m. every time? Not at all normal. "A couple of beers" don't take 9 hours (count 'em: IX) to down. Guys who go out with their buddies after work are usually home by dinnertime. Even midnight would be excessive, let along 3 a.m. ESPECIALLY with a small child at home and one incubating.
Once a week?? too much?
Come on...
And again, to the 3am point, that's probably when the bars close, he is probably out with his single friends, who are probably trying to hook up and he don't want to leave them hanging. As long as he is not fooling around, I think it's pretty petty and controlling of a spouse to try to make a big deal about this
I would also bet it's not EVERY week, but even if it is, who cares
And you CANNOT play the "kids" card, they are well into bed before even 11pm or midnight, so who cares
I dont think you can play the pregnancy card until about 8.5 months, as long as she has everything she needs at home. Sorry, a 1am run to Walgreens for some Hagen Dazs shouldnt factor into this...
No, it's not. Going out after work once/wk with buddies for a beer at the sports bar? No problem. Staying out past dinner and then past midnight until 3 a.m. every time? Not at all normal. "A couple of beers" don't take 9 hours (count 'em: IX) to down. Guys who go out with their buddies after work are usually home by dinnertime. Even midnight would be excessive, let along 3 a.m. ESPECIALLY with a small child at home and one incubating.
Make the three small children at home. Like I said earlier, I go out after work but I am home by 9, and we don't even have kids at home. Guarantee you nothing good is happening after that many brews or drinks and at that late (or early) hour.
Yes, this is what I wanted to find out. I guess the overall consensus is that its quite normal.
No, it isn't normal at all. If you read over the posts, you'll see there is no consensus. In fact, the majority opinion is that it's not normal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila;
To answer a few questions, he works in shifts. So basically he also works night shifts at times and so, his concept of day and night are really different from mine who holds an 8-4 job.
He never said I cant go. Its just that, i have never had any friends who stay out so late. Maybe maximum 8 PM for some dinner and some wine but thats about it. Also, I have never know him before getting married.
What bothered me was that, i myself was very tired and he knew it. He could have stayed home. My DD and I came home at 5:30 and he left by 6. I think thats what bothers me. Even the days he is working, he leaves for work like that; so we hardly get to spend any real time. Most weekends he is working.
I have a friend whose husband is somewhat like this. He goes to bed after she's asleep, and gets up before she wakes up. He also chose a career option at his job that has him out of the country for months every year. My friend refers to herself as a single mom. Her husband is clearly avoiding the marriage, and avoiding intimacy. I think yours is too, OP. It seems that he doesn't want to be married.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-29-2015 at 11:45 AM..
Actually, I have not specifically asked him to stay back. See what happens when something doesnt go in his way is that he makes the whole evening miserable for me. Like he would either pick up a fight over a small thing or in general sulk around. So, even when I need him, I dont ask for his help because at the end of the day, the goodness of him being home is a lot less than the resentment (for the lack of better word) he displays when he does stay home.
He always had control issues. In all honesty, when we were trying for a second baby, it was OK,. then things started going downhill. One by one. I dont want to take a life changing decision now in this year since I already have another life changing event happening soon (birth of my son coming august). I dont feel that I am up to coping with 2 major changes in one year.
So, I am going counseling to keep myself sane and focussed on the things that matter the most; my 3 girl and my yet-to be-born boy. I dont know if its the right thing to do. maybe I am just making excuses and buying time here but I dont feel the time is right for separation.
He has major control issues, and is using emotional abuse to force you into compliance with what he wants to do. He already has you conditioned to just let him do what he wants and put up with the repercussions, as you are already more willing to do all the work than make a request for help from him, or, worse, a sacrifice on his part for the betterment of the marriage.
You are in some ways making excuses. Things will not get better with him on their own. Seeking counseling on your own is a good step, but you may want to really consider every step available to you, how far you are willing to go for the sake of yourself and your kids, and discuss those things with the counselor.
Do you really want to put up with living with this individual for years, while you are miserable, emotionally beaten down, and doing all the work while he is out to all hours partying?
And you CANNOT play the "kids" card, they are well into bed before even 11pm or midnight, so who cares
I dont think you can play the pregnancy card until about 8.5 months, as long as she has everything she needs at home. Sorry, a 1am run to Walgreens for some Hagen Dazs shouldnt factor into this...
I really try not to play the kid/pregnancy card. I have always believed that he has to stay when he wants to stay; not because I ask him for it.
Do you really want to put up with living with this individual for years, while you are miserable, emotionally beaten down, and doing all the work while he is out to all hours partying?
I dont know. I think of myself as a strong person. I just dont know if I have it in me to start the life again as mom of 2 young children.
Am I happy? No.
But what is the guarantee that I will be happy when I am single?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
I dont know. I think of myself as a strong person. I just dont know if I have it in me to start the life again as mom of 2 young children.
Am I happy? No.
But what is the guarantee that I will be happy when I am single?
So guaranteed unhappiness vs. possibility of unhappiness and possibility of happiness
Was he like this when you were dating, and engaged?
They didn't date. It was an arranged marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Her husband is clearly avoiding the marriage, and avoiding intimacy. I think yours is too, OP. It seems that he doesn't want to be married.
My thought too. It was arranged and he got married because he HAD to not because he WANTED to. I just hope the OP's breaking point doesn't come when her water breaks and he's not around to take her to the hospital.
You guys are saying it is okay that a father of almost two goes out drinking until the morning hours every week while the wife is at home with the kids? Really???
My kids were born 5 years ago and I can probably count the number of times I've been out with friends since they arrived. I used to go out for happy hour every Friday, that's over with. It's not because my wife forbids it, either. I wouldn't leave her home to take care of 2 infants/toddlers on her own. Now that they're 5 they're easier to care for so I do get out now and then but pre 4-5?
Those of you that are saying this is normal and acceptable must not have kids yet. You have no idea how much work it is taking care of 2 babies. Besides, I want to be home with them. My days (nights) at the bar are behind me for the most part.
It's normal and would be totally ok with me if my husband went out with his friends once a week. Marriage and parenthood doesn't mean giving up individuality. Both parties should continue to see friends. It's a healthy thing.
OP- reading thru the rest of the thread though, you all have many other issues going on as well so I think it's probably many things stressing you out and I can see why. I hope things get better for you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
