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If i am going that route, should he get a hint that I am planning on leaving him?
No. Not yet. That would only complicate things. He'd either pretend to change, in order to prevent you from leaving, and then you wouldn't know if his change is real or not, or he might become abusive. I think it's best to keep things as steady as possible right now. You don't need to subject yourself (or the unborn baby) to any more emotional turmoil right now.
If i am going that route, should he get a hint that I am planning on leaving him?
No. In fact, I came back to this thread to warn you about that. If he knows you are planning this, he's going to love-bomb you and be Mr. Wonderful to get you to second-guess yourself. Heck, I would clear my cache out of my computer so he can't find this on your computer.
When my ex-SO and I broke up, it seemed sudden. It also probably seems to him like it's his idea. Basically, I set a boundary ("next time you are late when we have to be somewhere on a schedule and other people are waiting for us, you're going alone"), reminded him of it one last time, and a few months later, when he violated it (kept me waiting for over 40 minutes--total disrespect of my time and everyone else's), I stood my ground. It caught him off guard. There were tears. Rage. Disbelief. On and on with the drama for close to an hour. I could not get him out of my apartment. Then when he realized he wasn't going to get his way, and that no, I really was NOT going to get in the car and go with him, he threw a tantrum, tossed an F-bomb at me, and that was the end of that. Seven years, done, poof.
Two months later, he was with someone else. Less than a year later, she's knocked up and they're getting married. She hasn't had time to see him for what he is, and I'd feel bad for her if I didn't get the sense that she was trying to trap him right back.
Oh, and to give you an idea of just how shallow these types are, at one point during the break-up, he actually had the nerve to ask me if I had any Visine, because "how can I go out there looking like this?"
So be prepared for waterworks, tantrums, and preposterous words. These types are desperate. Thing is, if you wait long enough, they eventually tire of you, devalue you, and discard you, so you might as well take the reins and control your own fate.
No. In fact, I came back to this thread to warn you about that. If he knows you are planning this, he's going to love-bomb you and be Mr. Wonderful to get you to second-guess yourself. Heck, I would clear my cache out of my computer so he can't find this on your computer.
When my ex-SO and I broke up, it seemed sudden. It also probably seems to him like it's his idea. Basically, I set a boundary ("next time you are late when we have to be somewhere on a schedule and other people are waiting for us, you're going alone"), reminded him of it one last time, and a few months later, when he violated it (kept me waiting for over 40 minutes--total disrespect of my time and everyone else's), I stood my ground. It caught him off guard. There were tears. Rage. Disbelief. On and on with the drama for close to an hour. I could not get him out of my apartment. Then when he realized he wasn't going to get his way, and that no, I really was NOT going to get in the car and go with him, he threw a tantrum, tossed an F-bomb at me, and that was the end of that. Seven years, done, poof.
Two months later, he was with someone else. Less than a year later, she's knocked up and they're getting married. She hasn't had time to see him for what he is, and I'd feel bad for her if I didn't get the sense that she was trying to trap him right back.
Oh, and to give you an idea of just how shallow these types are, at one point during the break-up, he actually had the nerve to ask me if I had any Visine, because "how can I go out there looking like this?"
So be prepared for waterworks, tantrums, and preposterous words. These types are desperate. Thing is, if you wait long enough, they eventually tire of you, devalue you, and discard you, so you might as well take the reins and control your own fate.
Oh, it's pathetic. Granted, I was pretty furious and shed a few angry tears, myself, mainly because I was frustrated at him not getting the heck out of my apartment when I told him to go. And it took me a long time and some stupid attempts at friendship to get over him. But now he knows exactly how I feel about him, his racist, bigoted father, his bitchy mother, his filthy house, his foul temperament, his juvenile behavior, and just to make sure I'd never hear from him again, his peen size, which he (justifiably) has a complex about. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Oh, it's pathetic. Granted, I was pretty furious and shed a few angry tears, myself, mainly because I was frustrated at him not getting the heck out of my apartment when I told him to go. And it took me a long time and some stupid attempts at friendship to get over him. But now he knows exactly how I feel about him, his racist, bigoted father, his bitchy mother, his filthy house, his foul temperament, his juvenile behavior, and just to make sure I'd never hear from him again, his peen size, which he (justifiably) has a complex about. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Which actually reminds me of something for the OP:
The whole "I'll be home in a couple of hours" and then showing up at 3:00 a.m.? Is bullcrap. My ex-SO used to do that when he went to his relatives' or out with his brother or a buddy. He'd send these texts, "wrapping up, will be leaving in a few," and 7:00 would become 8:00 and other text, then 8:30, then 9:00. He'd call me from the car at 9:30 saying he was on the road and would be at my place in 20 minutes, acting all chipper as though nothing was wrong, he'd never told me he'd be done at a certain time, no apology, nothing. He would do this after saying, "I'm just dropping by my parents for a couple of hours, and you and I can go grab dinner tonight." Eventually, when he tried that, I just said, "No, let's just do something another night. I'm not sitting around hungry, waiting for you."
So my guess is that when your hub goes out, he knows dang well he's out for the duration and has no intention of it being "just a couple of hours." He is showing you by his actions that he does not care one bit if you're sitting home worrying if he's wrapped around a tree, never mind if you need him for something while you're pregnant. He's totally taking you for granted. And he's definitely not behaving like a responsible husband and father.
I hear ya. Like I mentioned, she's ok with me going out and I realize the importance of seeing our friends to blow off steam now and then. At the end of the day though (literally), I'd rather be home. We had our kids a little older though, so my perspective could be different than someone in their 20s.
As you likely figured out, we have twins too. I'd love to head out after they go down at night but by that time, I have no energy left!
Mine aren't babies anymore and I still don't have any energy left! Maybe when everyone is grown and out of the house. Just the thought of going out to a 9pm movie, much less an all nighter drinking, makes me tired!
Oh, it's pathetic. Granted, I was pretty furious and shed a few angry tears, myself, mainly because I was frustrated at him not getting the heck out of my apartment when I told him to go. And it took me a long time and some stupid attempts at friendship to get over him. But now he knows exactly how I feel about him, his racist, bigoted father, his bitchy mother, his filthy house, his foul temperament, his juvenile behavior, and just to make sure I'd never hear from him again, his peen size, which he (justifiably) has a complex about. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.
@Lilac110. I got your point. Keep the surprise factor.
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Mine aren't babies anymore and I still don't have any energy left! Maybe when everyone is grown and out of the house. Just the thought of going out to a 9pm movie, much less an all nighter drinking, makes me tired!
