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Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00
When I was 33 I dated a 23 year old. He was pretty smart, and being raised by his grandparents, his mental age might have been beyond most guys his age. Still though it was a bit weird. His grandmother disapproved completely. He admitted at some point he was probably having mom issues he was acting out with me. It came clear the guy was...unwell. He was bipolar, his grandmother kept side eyeing me, he acted really clingy. That was a dark road we were traveling.
I can only imagine how a 40 year old age difference would be, given my little experience with a 10 year one, with me being the older one.
Ita on a 40 yr age difference not being good.... but your problems had to do with the guy you were dating was bipolar & not well.....
For all that I try to be very open minded and I do think that in general...consenting adults of sound mind, well, they should do whatever they want. None of my business.
But thinking of it a different way, while I'm very, very happy with my 20-yrs-older boyfriend, I have to acknowledge that the age difference between me at 40 and he (and others in their 60's that I've had interest in) IS pretty significant. I can see that a much wider age gap than this, would take it from "unusual but seems workable" to truly downright strange.
And people in age gap relationships really do need to be capable of realistically discussing certain practical facts that a lot of people seem to kinda ignore. Like what retirement and end-of-life stages are going to look like, what realistic requirements for care will have to happen, and how old/prepared the other partner will be when that time comes, and so on.
And I strongly believe that if the older person ever had kids, that adds a whole new layer of weirdness to the situation. If my 60 year old Dad, started dating a woman who is my son's age, a 20 year old, I confess that I would give him some pretty hardcore side-eye for that.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
And people in age gap relationships really do need to be capable of realistically discussing certain practical facts that a lot of people seem to kinda ignore. Like what retirement and end-of-life stages are going to look like, what realistic requirements for care will have to happen, and how old/prepared the other partner will be when that time comes, and so on.
Ita...& if a 20 something is marrying a 60 yr old....goodness, one of them is already at retirement & one just started working ...Lol. It is something my Bf & I have discussed practically...even with a much much smaller age difference....( little less than 15 yrs)....BUT all couples need to have that talk because life never goes as planned....& illness can strike anyone anytime with someone needing care or requiring changes.....
But with too big of a difference...you can’t really share a life.....so ita it needs to be realistic....
And people in age gap relationships really do need to be capable of realistically discussing certain practical facts that a lot of people seem to kinda ignore. Like what retirement and end-of-life stages are going to look like, what realistic requirements for care will have to happen, and how old/prepared the other partner will be when that time comes, and so on. .
That's a big issue that a lot of people don't think about.
The end-of-life stages can be stressful and ugly for the caregiver. It can be pure hell if there is no way to fund long term care. It can be very difficult also if one or both partners haven't planned for their retirement years. My mother had it easy because my dad left her in her 50s, then married another, younger woman; and that woman wound up living a miserable life as his full time caregiver, as his health began to decline rapidly. I told my mom "you dodged a bullet." If I'm not still married in my older years for some reason, I plan to be single.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,570,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
That's a big issue that a lot of people don't think about.
The end-of-life stages can be stressful and ugly for the caregiver. It can be pure hell if there is no way to fund long term care. It can be very difficult also if one or both partners haven't planned for their retirement years. My mother had it easy because my dad left her in her 50s, then married another, younger woman; and that woman wound up living a miserable life as his full time caregiver, as his health began to decline rapidly. I told my mom "you dodged a bullet." If I'm not still married in my older years for some reason, I plan to be single.
It was sweet she stuck with him & took care of your Dad at least since they couldn’t afford other care.....so you know she wasn’t after money if that’s any consolation at all. There are lots that wouldn’t & that’s why too big of an age difference can be sketchy.......& so you gotta question how normal the relationship can be with 30 or 40 yrs. difference....even 20 IMO.
That's a big issue that a lot of people don't think about.
The end-of-life stages can be stressful and ugly for the caregiver. It can be pure hell if there is no way to fund long term care. It can be very difficult also if one or both partners haven't planned for their retirement years. My mother had it easy because my dad left her in her 50s, then married another, younger woman; and that woman wound up living a miserable life as his full time caregiver, as his health began to decline rapidly. I told my mom "you dodged a bullet." If I'm not still married in my older years for some reason, I plan to be single.
Indeed.
My fiance and I have our plans for all of this. He has aged well, taken good care of himself, and he hopes to work until he's 70. His father is still alive, and he told me before we even became an intimate couple, that was one of the things "I needed to know." That should his father ever need care or have an emergency, he would drop everything and rush to Arizona to take care of him. What's funny about that, is that he wasn't logistically prepared to really do it, unless he was going to simply abandon all of his possessions. As things got more serious between us, my thought has been that I can help him if he's got to dash down there, by getting the household all packed up and shipping things we need to keep with us perhaps, or putting most of it in storage or otherwise making the arrangements for the move on this end. I'm solving problems that he didn't really want to think too hard about. And then after I met his father, who is such a sweet old man, and who has been so kind and generous to his son for so many years... I was like, "Why don't we just plan to move down there, as soon as we realistically can? Why wait for it to be an emergency? We're going to have to be there to handle the estate when he passes anyways, right?" In this sort of instance, boyfriend will care for his father and I can keep my job and transfer down to our office in that area. I make enough to provide for the two of us, if we are at least moderately frugal.
But I wanted for my boyfriend to be able to retire in his 60's, not to have to work a job he hates until he literally can't anymore. I hope to be able to keep working until he needs end-of-life elder care himself, at which time hopefully I'll be in my 60's and ready to retire and provide him with that. At that point, it will be our savings, and his father's estate, that will continue to keep us going. I told him that so long as his needs are not too much for me to handle, I will be happy to care for him at home. I mean, obviously if he has dementia to the point that he's combative, I can't deal with a man who is ready to fight me. I won't be able to lift him, we'll need mobility devices and maybe in-home help. We'll see. But I'll do my best. I'm pretty good at being a caregiver, but I also know when a job is too big for me.
Which leaves me on my own, in theory, after he has passed, with whatever assets remain, to see me through my last years. I'll probably wind up in a home, and that's OK I guess.
But there are so many ways that this could go, there is no guarantee of a tomorrow for any of us. So you just plan with your best guesses, in the most sensible ways you know how.
Funny, when I was 25 I dated someone who was 50 for about 6 months and despite friends catty comments I was pretty content. Now at 60, I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone half my age. But, I think I was an old soul at 25 and an older one at 60. Now most folks in their 30s seem like fetus’s to me.
How would you react if your friend, a 60-year old woman, married a mid-twenty something year old man?
I would think eww & that it's odd, but if they are happy who am I to say anything or judge?
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