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My fiance and I have our plans for all of this. He has aged well, taken good care of himself, and he hopes to work until he's 70. His father is still alive, and he told me before we even became an intimate couple, that was one of the things "I needed to know." That should his father ever need care or have an emergency, he would drop everything and rush to Arizona to take care of him. What's funny about that, is that he wasn't logistically prepared to really do it, unless he was going to simply abandon all of his possessions. As things got more serious between us, my thought has been that I can help him if he's got to dash down there, by getting the household all packed up and shipping things we need to keep with us perhaps, or putting most of it in storage or otherwise making the arrangements for the move on this end. I'm solving problems that he didn't really want to think too hard about. And then after I met his father, who is such a sweet old man, and who has been so kind and generous to his son for so many years... I was like, "Why don't we just plan to move down there, as soon as we realistically can? Why wait for it to be an emergency? We're going to have to be there to handle the estate when he passes anyways, right?" In this sort of instance, boyfriend will care for his father and I can keep my job and transfer down to our office in that area. I make enough to provide for the two of us, if we are at least moderately frugal.
But I wanted for my boyfriend to be able to retire in his 60's, not to have to work a job he hates until he literally can't anymore. I hope to be able to keep working until he needs end-of-life elder care himself, at which time hopefully I'll be in my 60's and ready to retire and provide him with that. At that point, it will be our savings, and his father's estate, that will continue to keep us going. I told him that so long as his needs are not too much for me to handle, I will be happy to care for him at home. I mean, obviously if he has dementia to the point that he's combative, I can't deal with a man who is ready to fight me. I won't be able to lift him, we'll need mobility devices and maybe in-home help. We'll see. But I'll do my best. I'm pretty good at being a caregiver, but I also know when a job is too big for me.
Which leaves me on my own, in theory, after he has passed, with whatever assets remain, to see me through my last years. I'll probably wind up in a home, and that's OK I guess.
But there are so many ways that this could go, there is no guarantee of a tomorrow for any of us. So you just plan with your best guesses, in the most sensible ways you know how.
The inside of your head is such an interesting place, Sonic. Thanks for letting us visit .
The inside of your head is such an interesting place, Sonic. Thanks for letting us visit .
LOL that was a little rambly wasn't it? But I guess I'm just tryin' to say that if you love somebody who is a lot older, this is how you've got to think about the future.
Being all "I don't want to imagine living without you, because I lurrrve you sooo much!" like people can when they're young and such...I mean, that's not exactly smart either, anyone could die at any time. If you care about loved ones you might leave behind, you SHOULD give it thought. But with age gap relationships you have to be real about what the future may look like, and if you're OK with that.
Obviously it took a minute to get invested enough in my partner, to be ready to say, "Yes. I will one day be OK changing your depends, if that's what you need from me." But the thing is, today, here and now, he is paying in advance with joy and happiness that he brings to my life. I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world.
LOL that was a little rambly wasn't it? But I guess I'm just tryin' to say that if you love somebody who is a lot older, this is how you've got to think about the future.
Being all "I don't want to imagine living without you, because I lurrrve you sooo much!" like people can when they're young and such...I mean, that's not exactly smart either, anyone could die at any time. If you care about loved ones you might leave behind, you SHOULD give it thought. But with age gap relationships you have to be real about what the future may look like, and if you're OK with that.
Obviously it took a minute to get invested enough in my partner, to be ready to say, "Yes. I will one day be OK changing your depends, if that's what you need from me." But the thing is, today, here and now, he is paying in advance with joy and happiness that he brings to my life. I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world.
Well one person's rambling is another person's full, honest expression of what they think on a topic. So ramble on if I get a say.
How would you react if your friend, a 60-year old woman, married a mid-twenty something year old man?
I'd be happy for her, IF I thought she knew what it was about. He's there for the money, or a psychological mommy issue, or something, is what I would think. I'd think that's fine, if she knew that, and was okay w/it, since she's getting something out of it.
If she were a really close friend, I might ask her "Why not adopt him, instead?"
(I'd think the same thing if my 60 yr old friend were male.)
I enjoyed the responses. I am in my mid-50's myself. I have joked about it however, I cannot imagine being with a man that young--younger than my daughter. Men have been doing it all along and I never understood why a young women could be with someone that much older and how a man could handle being with someone his daughter's age. (and yes, I know what the interest is as far as the man is concerned)
Same goes with older woman with younger man. And I hear they are going to come out with Viagra for women....
To each his own.
At 25 I dated a man twice my age. He was tall, attractive, physically fit, active, and successful. We had a lot in common. We both enjoyed dining out, fly airplanes, scuba diving, boating, motorcycle riding, skiing ....sex. If you stop and think about it... what's not attractive about a man like this?
His issue with dating women “his” age was that they were usually looking for “security” and a “husband”. He’d already done that, as was no longer interested in a LTR, but rather doing his own thing, and spending time with his grown kids and grandchildren. His legacy is destined to them, not a new wife or girlfriend.
I wasn’t interested in a LTR either and we’d already agreed ( before getting into the tall weeds) that it wasn’t going to be “forever”. Zero pressure and zero drama made for a pretty delightful 3 years. I was free to do what I wanted without having to live up to someone else’s expectations or massage their feelings.
No expensive gifts, or money were involved either as we were both about financial equals. If anything, I was probably a little better off in the money department.
I wish I could make this a sticky as these age difference threads pop up almost weekly where people just don’t get it. Lol
If she had kids from a previous relationship, I would tell her to make sure her will is updated. Too many seniors who remarry don't make a will and everything ends up going to someone who only spends a few measly years with them. Meanwhile the kids get squat and new person is laughing all the way to the bank.
If she had kids from a previous relationship, I would tell her to make sure her will is updated. Too many seniors who remarry don't make a will and everything ends up going to someone who only spends a few measly years with them. Meanwhile the kids get squat and new person is laughing all the way to the bank.
Many people with significant assets are usually smart enough to get a will written up. But yes, I've seen the second spouse come into a marriage, take everything, spend all the money, and nothing is left for the adult children to inherit. And even worse, sometimes they leave an aging spouse with no money for nursing home or LTC expenses. That's why, for anyone who re-marries and has children from a previous marriage, I would strongly recommend getting a prenuptial agreement as well as making sure you have a will. I also get tired of hearing second spouses whine about the adult kids getting "all the money", as I've seen in a lot of those money advice columns. What do they think? That their spouse will leave his adult kids with nothing?
Usually wealthier folks aren't looking for re-marriage late in life (no real reason for it), it's the people who didn't plan for their retirement that are looking to get married. There's a reason for that obviously. It's something we all need to be aware of as we go through the aging process. There are vultures out there.
In doing my usual thorough research for this post I learned some sad news. I knew that Katie Couric was in an age gap relationship but I didn't know any details because stuff like that just isn't on my radar. Turns out she was 17 years older and the relationship lasted five years but ended under pressure from her daughters, family and from her. Not only did she start dating again but she apparently got married last year. To an age appropriate 'financier'. Not to hijack an interesting thread but what possesses a high net worth celebrity with very grown (in their 20's) children to marry someone she could only have dated for several months? It was apparently pressure about "a future" that caused the split with the "boy-toy". Why can't people just enjoy the ride? What is the draw of making things legal for people closing in on 60 (she is 58)? Who is judging them? Who cares? Why do they? To the topic: I know the o.p. premise is hypothetical but has there ever actually been a romance between a 60 year old woman and a 20 something guy? I'm doubting it. For this reason I don't feel all that bad about hijacking it. We should discuss a topic that actually happens: people tying the knot with people they have only dated months or even just weeks.
I think you are mistaken. I saw an interview with Katie Couric where she said she asked her friend to fix her up with John (the "financier" -- she said he's "a banker" but whatever) in 2012. He took a bit to call her but after a few months he did. They married in 2014 after a 10-month engagement. Meeting in late 2012 or 2013 and getting married in mid-2014 seems completely reasonable (especially when you've been married before and know what you want) and it's not a "sad" story. She is really happy.
BTW he is a few years younger than Katie, and he was dating a much younger woman before meeting Katie. So in fact he traded in a younger model for one a bit older!
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