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Would you have let her out of the marriage to pursue another man or fight her on it?
I'm not questioning your part in her cheating. I know that is the individuals choice, but did she really have the option of jumping ship before testing the waters or is that hindsight on your part saying you would have rather she left you and said I want to be with someone else before physically sleeping with another man, or her cheating help you hate her and feel justified in feeling like the better spouse?
So you want the whole story? lol I can tell you question me, that's fine. I'll gladly answer. Hope this is not robbing a post.
We were in marriage counseling 5 months before I caught them. In hind sight, it was going on as we were in counseling.
After I caught them, I didn't know who it was at that time cause it was 2am and he was leaving in his car, I scheduled a meeting with our Pastor. She would not say who it was and would not end it. We met weekly for a month, then I found out who it was. My son's best friend.(16 at the time, we were 40).
I wanted to keep it secret from the kids cause it would crush them. I set up "A weekend to Remember", church based counseling to try to save marriage. Left a day early from the weekend cause she didn't want to go to anymore to the classes.
A year after I caught them they were caught in a public bathroom.
Devastated the kids. Embarrassed beyond belief. 1 month later I filed for divorce.
She now lives with a 22 yr old. Kids are with me, they visit her from time to time.
Is cheating selfish? I can't think of a better definition.
Or they find themselves tempted, which is not really anyone's fault. You can't help being attracted to someone.
But once you KNOW you're tempted, if you're in a committed relationship, then you have an obligation to minimize your contact with the source.
We're all attracted to other people. That's just nature. But there's a difference between finding someone attractive, like the hot guy at the office, and putting oneself in the path of temptation.
Finding someone attractive: Yeah, that John in Accounting is a hottie.
Putting oneself in the path of temptation: I think I'll go visit Lisa in Accounting and see if John is around.
Right out: "Hey, John, a bunch of us are going to happy hour. Wanna go?"
So you want the whole story? lol I can tell you question me, that's fine. I'll gladly answer. Hope this is not robbing a post.
We were in marriage counseling 5 months before I caught them. In hind sight, it was going on as we were in counseling.
After I caught them, I didn't know who it was at that time cause it was 2am and he was leaving in his car, I scheduled a meeting with our Pastor. She would not say who it was and would not end it. We met weekly for a month, then I found out who it was. My son's best friend.(16 at the time, we were 40).
I wanted to keep it secret from the kids cause it would crush them. I set up "A weekend to Remember", church based counseling to try to save marriage. Left a day early from the weekend cause she didn't want to go to anymore to the classes.
A year after I caught them they were caught in a public bathroom.
Devastated the kids. Embarrassed beyond belief. 1 month later I filed for divorce.
She now lives with a 22 yr old. Kids are with me, they visit her from time to time.
Is cheating selfish? I can't think of a better definition.
That goes way beyond simply cheating. That's pedophilia. I'm sorry that happened
We're all attracted to other people. That's just nature. But there's a difference between finding someone attractive, like the hot guy at the office, and putting oneself in the path of temptation.
Finding someone attractive: Yeah, that John in Accounting is a hottie.
Putting oneself in the path of temptation: I think I'll go visit Lisa in Accounting and see if John is around.
Right out: "Hey, John, a bunch of us are going to happy hour. Wanna go?"
You left out quite a few options.
Here's one: If you work on a team with someone or are in a class with someone, for example, and have to interact with them for a limited duration, you may find yourself attracted to them merely by getting to know them and spending time with them in the capacity you're supposed to.
You don't have to be looking for it, but if it happens, it happens.
Now, what you choose to do when you figure out that you are attracted to them is the difference.
But why? Why does it have to be one or the other? Is there any reason other than hurt pride on the part of the cheated on? Are we denying that a person can be in love and sexually attracted to more than one person? Why can't a person stay in a committed main relationship for good reasons? Why must it be that breaking up or divorcing is the only option? Just because society says so? Religion? What is it exactly that makes cheating so bad as opposed to other relationship dynamics?
Let's take emotion out of it and try to look at it rationally. Rationally cheating doesn't necessitate the destruction of a long term relationship, or does it ? Why or why not?
If I had a dollar for every man who has told me "but my wife doesn't understand me"...
I don't doubt that people can be in love and sexually attracted to more than one person. I know quite a few people who have/have had open and poly relationships of many different styles. Some of these people have committed "main" relationships that they stay in for different reasons. These are what are referred to as "ethical poly" or "ethical open" relationships. The distinction between that and cheating is simple. In the case of the ethical relationships, all parties know what they are getting into and have consented to it. In the case of cheating, one or more parties has not been given the opportunity to consent.
Rationally speaking, cheating has its basis in dishonesty. Those that cheat have taken away the ability of their partner/s to consent. There are relationships, for sure, that survive cheating. But, IMO, the person who has cheated as no basis whatsoever to argue that their actions were anything other than dishonest.
You are conflating. We have already established the dishonesty part. We are focusing on the "why" and "what". What you don't understand doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
We can all hold hands and come to save an alcoholic or drug addict through intervention. Yet, whoa to the sex addict. Hurt is hurt, there is no measuring stick.
If you think a drug addict hurting their family is different than that of a sex addict or cheater hurting their family, YOU are being SELFISH. Same cause, same effect, same place. Think about that one, that is deep...
I agree in the "self gratification" part but this all comes down to communication, understanding, and meeting each others needs. There are many relationships that use and practice swinging, open relationships, pornography, etc... were they view it as one of their needs of being in a satisfying relationship. They have communicated this to one another and come to an understanding that this would be a happy/enjoyable part of their lives together.
The problem is when one hides this from their significant other, gets caught, and the significant other does not understand or want to understand this. Communication and trust are broken and it just goes down hill from there.
I believe if both parties come in communicating their true needs from the very beginning of the relationship and continue to communicate with one another that the likelihood of problems arising greatly reduces. If we all did this from the very beginning then we would weed out those who can't or won't meet our needs and find those who can and would be happy to meet our needs.
Again, there is too much confusion. We get the honesty and upfront part. I can go and rob a store and admit to it. I will be found guilty. But the question is, what was my motive?
The problem is people don't want to go there. Look at every post- it's all about honesty and communication. Where is the what is going through his mind, what has he or she been exposed to as a child? Is there history in their family? How much genetics play a role?
Pick one and let's have a conversation. We are done with the upfront and honesty bit.... Clinton wasn't honest even when he got caught...
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Hope this is not robbing a post.
