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I don't know, I'm just now starting to do some searching online to see what's out there, and the results I am getting...lots of articles and listicles and not enough substance. So far.
I hope you are able to find some help! I am sorry that you are going through this.
We're going through some tough times with Mrs. Chow's mother, not take away from Sonic's story. It's been a nightmare across the board I mentioned it a few weeks ago.
Her mother was right on the edge of just losing it to Alzheimer's, we missed getting Power of Attorney by literally just a week or so. We had her moved into a hotel because her house has water damage, that alone is a nightmare story by itself.
Something about that event of her house getting damaged and moving her into a hotel must have just tripped off her Alzheimer's, not sure if it was causational or just a coincidence. She just almost flipped over night. she was getting bad and we were trying to figure out a way to get her with us. Anyway, one morning in the hotel she just was sort of not there, it was sort of gradual, but not if that makes any sense.
I had scheduled a mobile notary to meet us at the hotel and do the paperwork and had to cancel it. No one is going to sign docs with her not in her sound mind.
Now.... oh good lord, we had to get an attorney to file for conservatorship and it's 8k just to do that, that doesn't even include all of the follow ups and additional fees.
We're trying to get her on Medi-Cal to pay for her nursing home costs as her income is low enough, but she's sitting on paid off house and there's a whole bunch of issues there.
This is going to cost us a lot of money, but supposedly once we can get things handled we should be able to pay ourselves back out of her estate, which is her house basically. The state will come after whatever she ends up using while on Medi-Cal too and she has a reverse mortgage on it so the bank will want to foreclose in a few months as she's not living in her home.
I could go on and on with all of the nightmares, but that enough for now.
Long story short, get your affairs in order and avoid dealing with the court system.
This link should take you to an Arizona State website, Arizona Dept of Employment Security that may be able to help. Good luck. If your FIL is eligible or partly eligible (too many assets) they can do in home services that are often a softer landing for people as they become less independent. If he's got assets, they can typically tell you where he might be able to get similar privately funded services. You still have to sell him on the idea to some extent, but maybe it's a start.
I don't know, I'm just now starting to do some searching online to see what's out there, and the results I am getting...lots of articles and listicles and not enough substance. So far.
Sonic, did Dad serve in the military? If he did, perhaps he can get some help from VA.
Best Wishes.
This link should take you to an Arizona State website, Arizona Dept of Employment Security that may be able to help. Good luck. If your FIL is eligible or partly eligible (too many assets) they can do in home services that are often a softer landing for people as they become less independent. If he's got assets, they can typically tell you where he might be able to get similar privately funded services. You still have to sell him on the idea to some extent, but maybe it's a start.
Yeah, we are likely gonna have to talk to the lawyers. There are assets, but they're mostly in a family trust. So I'm not sure...
But the thing is, as far as I'm concerned if it takes every last penny of whatever he's worth to see him as comfortable and happy as possible for whatever time he's got left, then so be it. But that's not really the problem. The problem is that he does not want the help, even though he needs it...so our mission now is getting him to accept the reality of his situation.
Sonic and Chow: I’m sorry you are going through this. My mom was very stubborn when she started losing her independence. Now that I getting older, I understand better how she must have felt.
And, Chow, you mentioned how moving your MIL seemingly changed her. The very same thing happened when my grandmother had to be moved many years ago. She did a 180 in a matter of days and was gone within two weeks. Like you, I don’t know if it was the move or coincidence. I’m of the mind that it was the move. My best friend’s mom had a stroke soon after being moved away from her home.
IMHO, much like some people get angry when they get hurt emotionally, I think being stubborn is a reaction (if that’s the right word) to fighting to try to do the things that, in your mind, you can still do, but your body says, “Nope, not today,” or, “Nope. Not anymore.” So you stop listening to others, because you are going to prove that you still can do whatever.
I guess after reading this, I didn’t come up with any advice. So, just know that you have my support, as well as an ear and a shoulder.
Sonic and Chow: I’m sorry you are going through this. My mom was very stubborn when she started losing her independence. Now that I getting older, I understand better how she must have felt.
And, Chow, you mentioned how moving your MIL seemingly changed her. The very same thing happened when my grandmother had to be moved many years ago. She did a 180 in a matter of days and was gone within two weeks. Like you, I don’t know if it was the move or coincidence. I’m of the mind that it was the move. My best friend’s mom had a stroke soon after being moved away from her home.
IMHO, much like some people get angry when they get hurt emotionally, I think being stubborn is a reaction (if that’s the right word) to fighting to try to do the things that, in your mind, you can still do, but your body says, “Nope, not today,” or, “Nope. Not anymore.” So you stop listening to others, because you are going to prove that you still can do whatever.
I guess after reading this, I didn’t come up with any advice. So, just know that you have my support, as well as an ear and a shoulder.
Thanks! And my sympathies to you as well, Chow.
I'm fortunate that I've got my Stepmom to talk to now, she's started responding to my phone calls again (after years when she didn't, and despite being told not to take it personally...well...I did.) But anyhow, she has cared for like 4 different elderly people in the family, she knows what's up. She's good for a pep talk.
Yesterday was a better day, and we're kind of taking this one day at a time, solving a few problems or working on them every day, and trying to identify our next steps... We definitely want to try and keep him in his home as long as possible. And here's a nice little tie in for our RELATIONSHIPS forum... He loved his wife so much. They were married for over 50 years and she developed dementia and he cared for her for like 4 years as she deteriorated, at home. She passed in 2014. Everything in the place is pretty much the way she had it. There are even Christmas decorations still in place, because she put them there before she died. The cat was really her cat, but does have a bond with FIL now of course... And my husband has said for years that he thinks the only reason his father has lived so long following his wife's passing is to care for her cat.
He loved her deeply, and this is also one of those situations where she was the outgoing and sociable one, so after her passing, his social contacts dwindled, and since then, some of the very few he had left have died or moved away... A big part of why I was determined to move here no matter if he needed our help or not, was that it broke my heart to think of how lonely he might be. And I think that even when he grumbles about needing help, he does appreciate our presence.
What kinda sucks, too, here, is that my husband and I are also dealing with new physical limitations. Husband got some kind of problem going on that gave him severe vertigo, right before our move. It's been getting better all the time, but is not fully gone, he still gets dizzy. Doctors have ruled out many of the worst possibilities, he just got his vision checked and his eyes are still good. But it's limited what he can do. And he is in his sixties, and should not attempt to lift his father after a fall. Apparently there is some sort of "non emergency lift assist" service, some fire departments provide it, we need to figure out who he has to call in these situations. He helped his Dad up that first day after a fall and he really should not have. And speaking of lifting things one should not, I got a new dining table delivered here and stubbornly moved it into the house by myself, unboxed and assembled it. It was HEAVY. And the next day I really paid for that with back pain. I still have not accepted that I can't push myself the way I did in my 20s, and it SUCKS. I get really frustrated, too.
Oh, and we are keeping a sense of humor...we cleaned out FIL's fridge last weekend before he came home (stuff that expired over a decade ago, eesh!) and there was a steak in the fridge we threw out because it was dated like 2018 or something, even though it was vacuum sealed, we just didn't trust it yanno? And he was mad about that yesterday, and also mad that my husband did not want a paper mall directory brochure for the local mall that was made in 2008, which he would not permit him to throw away. Husband was texting me about all this, I'd said, "I'll get him a steak. A better steak. And I'll cook it for him, too." And husband said, "He said it was an expensive steak. He probably got it at the mall. In 2008." We had a good laugh about that. Now every time he finds something ridiculous, like corroded batteries or very old, expired, or outdated stuff, he just says, "Mall. 2008."
Sonic and Chow: I’m sorry you are going through this. My mom was very stubborn when she started losing her independence. Now that I getting older, I understand better how she must have felt.
And, Chow, you mentioned how moving your MIL seemingly changed her. The very same thing happened when my grandmother had to be moved many years ago. She did a 180 in a matter of days and was gone within two weeks. Like you, I don’t know if it was the move or coincidence. I’m of the mind that it was the move. My best friend’s mom had a stroke soon after being moved away from her home.
IMHO, much like some people get angry when they get hurt emotionally, I think being stubborn is a reaction (if that’s the right word) to fighting to try to do the things that, in your mind, you can still do, but your body says, “Nope, not today,” or, “Nope. Not anymore.” So you stop listening to others, because you are going to prove that you still can do whatever.
I guess after reading this, I didn’t come up with any advice. So, just know that you have my support, as well as an ear and a shoulder.
Yeah, reading about old timers getting stubborn and fighting, We got really lucky with her mom. We've had to take over all of her responsibilities long before she got so bad. We had a lady come in three or four days a week to help here with some things, food, light house work, laundry, etc. She was actually really pretty good overall.
As she started declining mentally she couldn't keep up with the conversations as much and I think she felt stupid a couple of times and she got a touch snarly, but again, I'm sure it was coming from a place of fear and embarrassment.
My dad went in to the hospital for one thing and ended up passing from another. So we never had to intervene in his business, and good lordy, it would have been a nightmare.
My dad had a real ego on him and him being the man and all of that stuff. Definitely from that old school men are the bosses type of background.
We're going through some tough times with Mrs. Chow's mother, not take away from Sonic's story. It's been a nightmare across the board I mentioned it a few weeks ago.
Her mother was right on the edge of just losing it to Alzheimer's, we missed getting Power of Attorney by literally just a week or so. We had her moved into a hotel because her house has water damage, that alone is a nightmare story by itself.
Something about that event of her house getting damaged and moving her into a hotel must have just tripped off her Alzheimer's, not sure if it was causational or just a coincidence. She just almost flipped over night. she was getting bad and we were trying to figure out a way to get her with us. Anyway, one morning in the hotel she just was sort of not there, it was sort of gradual, but not if that makes any sense.
I had scheduled a mobile notary to meet us at the hotel and do the paperwork and had to cancel it. No one is going to sign docs with her not in her sound mind.
Now.... oh good lord, we had to get an attorney to file for conservatorship and it's 8k just to do that, that doesn't even include all of the follow ups and additional fees.
We're trying to get her on Medi-Cal to pay for her nursing home costs as her income is low enough, but she's sitting on paid off house and there's a whole bunch of issues there.
This is going to cost us a lot of money, but supposedly once we can get things handled we should be able to pay ourselves back out of her estate, which is her house basically. The state will come after whatever she ends up using while on Medi-Cal too and she has a reverse mortgage on it so the bank will want to foreclose in a few months as she's not living in her home.
I could go on and on with all of the nightmares, but that enough for now.
Long story short, get your affairs in order and avoid dealing with the court system.
Chow... so sorry that you and Mrs Chow are going through this! Sending you all good thought and positive vibes!
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