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Since she works from home I think she should be the one to understand how all this is affecting you and move back . This whole thing is too one sided for her benefit.
I made the same mistake in Santa Fe. I had vacationed there and liked the artsy ambience because I'm an amateur artist. I also loved the pueblo architecture.
Luckily I was (and am) single, so there was no problem returning to L.A. And I had been gone less than a year so I didn't get priced out.
It was a good experience for me, I learned that I had been comparing all the bad in L.A. to all the good in S.F. Once I got my head screwed on straight I compared both good and bad in both cities, and learned that I had been discounting the good in L.A. when I should have been considering both good and bad. As a result of my experience I am very happy now, knowing I'll be here for the rest of my life.
That part about your career, that is a very serious consideration. You are in your earning years and your 401k, savings, investments, Social Security, all will be affected negatively by your inability to earn maximal income. When you retire you will be restricted, maybe even have to put up with PS in retirement because you can't afford to travel.
I think you should emphasize your employment and earnings to your wife. Her choice will affect both your retirement in a very negative way.
Don't dis yourself for making a bad decision. We all make bad choices, we hope our bad choices can be fixed.
This is good advice for the OP. You’re living in a primarily tourist and retirement community. Right now you need to where the action is and maximizing your earnings.
Holy cow. That’s a hot place. LA is only a couple of hours away, right?
Ultimately, you need to be happy with whatever happens here. Your wife must hold the same perspective. You are both young. Sounds like you and she are playing chicken with one another (who the hell wants to live someplace that hot?) and whoever blinks first loses.
Three years is not like you’re jumping all over the map.
Go ahead and find a job in LA, rent a studio apt., and follow your plan. She may decide to spend time with you there, as well.
Best thing to do is minimize the emotional toll of fighting. A bit of time apart may clarify your mutual priorities.
This is a big, tough, sometimes impossible problem for a couple to solve. I'm sorry. I wish I had better news for you.
What's happening to you two happened to me...except I was the wife perfectly happy to stay. DH wanted to get the hell outta Dodge. Long story short: Our 25 year marriage broke up over it. I'd have left DH sooner but was waiting for our only child to graduate high school. I'd already uprooted several times to accommodate spouse's restlessness, most notably to move 500+ miles away to that place where I'd happily *settled* after 10 years. But after that 10 years (with me feeling quite happy) spouse became unhappy (again) in his workplace and in the community after he lost an election. Came home one day to *announce* (not discuss, as he'd done before past moves) that we would move from upper Midwest to a mid-Atlantic state.
That was the beginning of the end. I followed him along w our teenaged son out east. I felt I *had* to b/c spouse earned *way* more than I did. Son and I lived a year of hell in that mid-Atlantic state, where I suffered serious mental health problems due to feeling forced to move away from somewhere where I'd been quite happy. I fell into severe depression, which caused serious weight loss, OCD, losing touch with reality -- and there was/is a severe shortage of mental health practitioners in that mid-Atlantic state. This was also smack dab in the middle of the Great Recession, and I couldn't find career level employment in my field. After a year, son and I moved back to the upper Midwest (against spouse's wishes) while spouse stayed out East. My parents paid for us to move back because spouse dug in his heels about not paying for us to move back to our old home (which we'd been renting out because it didn't sell.) Spouse loved that job out East as much as if not more than he loved us. He flew home to visit us every other weekend. That was around 2012. Hoped he'd come back to upper Midwest with us. While he was happy w his job in mid-Atlantic state, he had no more family with him. That got old after a year or so. Did he come back to live with us? No. He instead got a new job in yet another midwest state that was closer, but still 300 miles away. He expected us to move down there to be with him. He utterly refused to go back to the upper midwest place under any circumstances. After son graduated h.s. in '14, he & I moved (yet again) to be with DH. That lasted 6 months before I finally left DH for good. I'd grown too resentful and unhappy about hauling myself all over the country to follow him too many times. And he was getting meaner and meaner to son and me.
There's no magic bullet here. This will be the true test of how much you love each other vs. how much you love your own interests. I hope your story turns out better than mine. In the end I had to choose my own mental health (and life) over my spouse's because I felt he'd long ago stopped caring about mine and just saw me as luggage along for his ride. Our divorce was final in '16. I was in my 50s and getting too old for all that schlepping all over the place. I'm happier now, and son is doing well. Dad earning more $$ than ever before, but he lost me on the road to all that "success."
Isn't the cost of living a lot cheaper in palm desert vs. L.A.?
And what about schools if you have kids?
Palm Desert, Palm Springs, etc., primary tourism destination especially golf. It's been 20 years since I lived in PS but I recall most expenses (I wasn't a permanent resident) are along the lines of a resort area, e.g. expensive.
I have no idea about schools.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levels77
My advice is to stay where you are and instead of spending the money on a second place to live in LA, take mini vacations with your wife to somewhere cooler during the intense summer.
I'm just sorry, but just #clueless. I can only wonder your motivation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinaTwo
Since she works from home I think she should be the one to understand how all this is affecting you and move back . This whole thing is too one sided for her benefit.
She works from home so she can easily relocate. His employment opportunities are limited since PS/PD is a resort area. Their mutual financial future success depends on him maximizing his employment potential, they should move to a location where he can achieve his share of their mutual financial success. I feel that wife does not understand the financials here, and is doting on the socials. Social does not pay your retirement expenses!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
Holy cow. That’s a hot place. LA is only a couple of hours away, right?
Ellie, unless you live in the desert you have no idea how hot it can get in PS/PD.
I recall one evening after a long day at work I returned to my hotel and dressed in a baseball cap, shorts and athletic shoes. (No shirt.) I ordered take out food from one of my favorite restaurants, drove over and picked it up. Just in the several minutes into the restaurant and back to my car I developed a severe sweat. I think the temperature was maybe 117F.
To steal a line, if I owned both Palm Springs and Hell, I'd live in Hell and rent out Palm Springs. (The original line referred to Texas.)
Palm Springs is wonderful during winter! That's when the tourism industry heats up. Many restaurants even CLOSE during mid-summer. If you're a golfer from the northern US PS is your golfing dream come true! (I prefer having a dog to chase balls.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funch
There's no magic bullet here. This will be the true test of how much you love each other vs. how much you love your own interests. I hope your story turns out better than mine. In the end I had to choose my own mental health (and life) over my spouse's because he'd long ago stopped caring about mine, and just saw me as luggage along for his ride. Our divorce was final in '16. I was in my 50s and getting too old for all that schlepping all over the place. I'm happier now, and son is doing well. Dad earning more $$ than ever before, but he lost me on the road to all that "success."
Thank you for your poignant post! Let's hope our OP can find a better end resolution.
Plus your main complaint is the weather. Well, a simple google search before you moved would have told you what the weather was going to be like.
Perhaps you didn't read my original post? There was no need to do a google search because wife and I had been vacationing here for 10+ years, including the 4th of July, Memorial Day, and Labor Day. I know it's hot, it's the So. Cal desert. The difference is living in it, day after day, month after month. The relentless heat sets in and doesn't leave until five or six months later. There's no way to know how it will affect you until you experience it. In my case, it makes me feel trapped indoors most of the time.
Also, good luck picking a new place to live based on a google search, lol. You need to experience it in person: day to day life, people, culture, weather, job market. Do you know how many people I've known that moved to Hawaii, only to become disillusioned and move back in a year or two? They all did their google research, too.
Last edited by pacific_ocean; 08-01-2018 at 08:11 PM..
Also, good luck picking a new place to live based on a google search, lol. You need to experience it in person: day to day life, people, culture, weather, job market. Do you know how many people I've known that moved to Hawaii, only to become disillusioned and move back in a year or two? They all did their google research, too.
My original reason for joining CD 10 years ago was as a resource to decide where to retire to.
I don't think it is a bad idea to have a Summer place for the both of you. You can both compromise to go back and forth. I assume she can easily work from both places.What about you?
I don't think it is a bad idea to have a Summer place for the both of you. You can both compromise to go back and forth. I assume she can easily work from both places.What about you?
He already said he can't find good jobs in Palm Desert. I'm presuming he's high tech (or OP please clarify).
I worked in Palm Springs at one of the few high tech employers. That well went dry and I never moved to PS permanently.
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