Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Perhaps you didn't read my original post? There was no need to do a google search because wife and I had been vacationing here for 10+ years, including the 4th of July, Memorial Day, and Labor Day. I know it's hot, it's the So. Cal desert. The difference is living in it, day after day, month after month. The relentless heat sets in and doesn't leave until five or six months later. There's no way to know how it will affect you until you experience it. In my case, it makes me feel trapped indoors most of the time.
Also, good luck picking a new place to live based on a google search, lol. You need to experience it in person: day to day life, people, culture, weather, job market. Do you know how many people I've known that moved to Hawaii, only to become disillusioned and move back in a year or two? They all did their google research, too.
This is true OP. I have friends who’ve moved to Hawaii over the years as they loved it so on vacation. After they moved there they started to hate it. They were no longer tourists but residents and it changes things.
When one person is set on A, and the other is set on Z, you have to pick something in the middle.
DH and I went through it on retirement locations, and we started at very different climate needs, and we just kept looking at options until we both went "yes."
But this is more than climate, she now has a social network she doesn't want to leave.
What did she say about you leaving during the week and getting an apartment? That's a bid deal.
Hey, I understand. I have become very heat intolerant, and it really affects my day to day.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I'm just like you. I can't tolerate the heat. I get physically ill, even with AC. WE gave up any idea of living anywhere south. Lots of people move from climates or locations that bad for their health.
IF you want to stay married, sounds like the weekend thing is your only solution IF you're going to stay married.
But this is more than climate, she now has a social network she doesn't want to leave.
What did she say about you leaving during the week and getting an apartment? That's a bid deal.
Hey, I understand. I have become very heat intolerant, and it really affects my day to day.
I think you're right Mikala. She seems fixed on her social network but he needs to find better employment opportunities. He really has little choice, he can't find good quality jobs in Palm Desert. If she won't relocate then he has his career to think of for both of them, and for their retirement.
My situation was reversed, I lived in Palm Springs M-F and returned home over the weekend. At least I didn't have any GF at the time so nobody to miss. It was fun living in a different place for a while.
However, I think few in this topic other than OP and I have actually experiended the crushing heat of summer in the Coachella Valley. I have often described it as shockingly hot! In the heat of summer it's so punishingly hot that you run between your car and restaurant or store, it's possible to build a sweat in mere minutes, you can't even get into your car when it's been parked without leaning in and starting the A/C then waiting a minute or so for it to kick in, and then you can get in your car. You learn to crack all the windows when you park or your car's interior will be an oven. It was quite an experience spending mid-summer there.
There is no way OP can possibly workout outside in the summer. As part of a possibly successful compromise, and as said earlier, I think OP is going to have to just learn to get his workouts inside a gym because outdoor exercise even at night is impossible. You might find the temperature 80 degrees at 3-4 a.m. It's so hot it's difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it.
I think the key to saving this marriage is compromise. I hope he earns enough to turn enough of a profit to cover the apartment and still have income above that. I also think that neither will be happy with being separated and maybe she will eventually relent to be back with hubby 7 days a week.
I think it's sad to see such an inflexible spouse when the other is clearly miserable. To me, digging in is not a phrase that belongs in a marriage. If she's unwilling to compromise then that says quite a bit about her complete lack of consideration for her spouse. Yikes.
My wife and I moved from L.A. to Palm Desert three years ago, and it hasn't turned out the way I expected.
We've been to the desert before on short vacations, but living here year-round is a miserable experience. I hate the summers. The heat is oppressive and relentless. I'm in the middle of my third summer here, and finally reached my breaking point the other day when it was 122 degrees.
I would like to move back to LA, but wife is happy here (she works from home, has a bigger social network, and doesn't mind the heat.). Anytime I bring up moving, it turns into a big argument. She wants to stay. We are in our late 30's, so I can't imagine living here the rest of my life.
I'm thinking of moving by myself, getting a small apartment in the city, and coming out to the desert on weekends. I really don't want to live apart from my wife, but how can I continue to live someplace where I absolutely despise the weather for half the year?
I'm less active here than I used to be, and I know it's affecting my physical and mental health. I don't like gyms, I like to exercise outdoors. And sorry, but I just don't feel like going for a run when it's 120 degrees outside.
I feel trapped. I didn't know what I was getting into and I didn't know how permanent it would be.
Any advice?
No doubt it's affecting your physical and mental health. It's been 3 years and you haven't physiologically acclimated to the climate which means you never will. Acclimization should have happened within 2-4 weeks, not years. You can't, and shouldn't, stay in a place that is destroying your health.
Maybe she can't relate to how badly the climate is affecting you. Most of us can't really relate to how heat or cold affects others when it's different from the way it affects us. Perhaps you could educate her on these physiological differences over which we have no control.
Clearly she is opposed to moving back to LA. What about compromising on somewhere else that doesn't have long seasons of extreme hot or cold temps? If she is unwilling to discuss a compromise, then she may be ready to give up on the marriage.
I think it's sad to see such an inflexible spouse when the other is clearly miserable. To me, digging in is not a phrase that belongs in a marriage. If she's unwilling to compromise then that says quite a bit about her complete lack of consideration for her spouse. Yikes.
I feel that too, but I'm trying to help OP find a way to make his marriage work yet have his comfort and have access to high quality ($$$) jobs. You can't change people so she will change only if she wants to.
Perhaps the split residence will encourage her to relocate to be with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplySagacious
Clearly she is opposed to moving back to LA. What about compromising on somewhere else that doesn't have long seasons of extreme hot or cold temps? If she is unwilling to discuss a compromise, then she may be ready to give up on the marriage.
I think the problem is that her "social network" is physically tied to Palm Desert. Her job allows her to live anywhere.
Her unwillingness to move seems to be principally related to her social network.
I can't imagine she loves the climate more than she loves her husband.
His problem is that his job requires his physical presence, and proximity enough to make commuting practical.
Another alternative I hadn't thought of, if he increases his willingness to commute, perhaps departing for work at 6 a.m. to beat the peak traffic he could be in Redlands, San Bernadino, etc. in about an hour. If he could start at 7 a.m. he could finish his work day and leave early enough to beat the peak traffic homeward bound.
At the time I was there I left the San Fernando Valley at 5 a.m. and was on the job in Palm Springs by 7 a.m. (I commuted weekly, not daily.) It was kind of brutal getting up at 4 a.m. but the premium salary I was making was worth it.
I feel that too, but I'm trying to help OP find a way to make his marriage work yet have his comfort and have access to high quality ($$$) jobs. You can't change people so she will change only if she wants to.
Perhaps the split residence will encourage her to relocate to be with him.
I think the problem is that her "social network" is physically tied to Palm Desert. Her job allows her to live anywhere.
Her unwillingness to move seems to be principally related to her social network.
I can't imagine she loves the climate more than she loves her husband.
His problem is that his job requires his physical presence, and proximity enough to make commuting practical.
Another alternative I hadn't thought of, if he increases his willingness to commute, perhaps departing for work at 6 a.m. to beat the peak traffic he could be in Redlands, San Bernadino, etc. in about an hour. If he could start at 7 a.m. he could finish his work day and leave early enough to beat the peak traffic homeward bound.
At the time I was there I left the San Fernando Valley at 5 a.m. and was on the job in Palm Springs by 7 a.m. (I commuted weekly, not daily.) It was kind of brutal getting up at 4 a.m. but the premium salary I was making was worth it.
She is putting her social network over her husband's well being and fairness and compromise in the household. I find that astonishing.
the ability to compromise shouldn’t be hard if you are still connected in meaningful ways.
the location is the issue here, the lack of willingness to see things another way is.
Has she ever openly discusses compromises or has she always just shut them down?
You’re both to the point that your willing to move away from one another to have a better lifestyle...that should speak volumes to you both.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
