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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123
Well, the thing of it is that I think people participating in a relationships/dating message board is a method using it as an area to vent about their dating or relationships woes. A time to heal.
It's kind of like when people get burned in a relationship or marriage. They are like "I'll never love again" or "I'll never desire nor want a man/woman again". The voice this on a message board....then a few years later they get over it, and then back in the saddle again.
To draw a parallel, to those who watch certain hit TV shows like The Walking Dead or the Star Wars franchise, and they are posting in the comments on social media on how they'll NEVER watch this show again due to whatever the writers did to the show...then a week later, they are watching it again.
The desire will come back eventually.
So again, you are telling someone else what they will feel or should feel, or will do, or should do.
Plenty of people decide they don't want to date again. Or don't want to be in a relationship again. It's not on you, me, or anyone else to tell them what they should want, or will want.
You really do have a thing about wanting to speak for others. I don't get it.
I know some women over 40, one that' sover 50 that's taken a step of way from even dating permanently.
I know this rather attractive 50-something woman, never married no kids that is content with her platonic group of friends and relatives. She prefers to be a forever aunt to her nieces and nephews. For some reason, it's the life she's chosen.
I'm meeting more and more women that are choosing this kind of lifestyle that are in this age bracket. Opting out of romantic relationships altogether. I know of another and said she has "closed up shop" since her divorce (yeah she was married), but it's just that more and more older single women are just content with their family, platonic friends and loved ones.
Of course, they are rejecting every single guy left and right by having to tell them this. lol
Sounds like something a woman would say to a guy who won't stop haunting them with questions or to a man they have zero interest in.
Have you considered this from "more & more women"?
You say that now, you're currently in what is known as an "ebb", eventually, though it could take years, the "flow" will come creeping in and you'll once again desire a romantic partner in your life. Marriage on the other hand, I'd understand that you would not be interested, but the desire to NOT have someone in your life your ENTIRE life, unless you're a nun, is just going against human nature.
Well, that's certainly presumptuous. You are allowed to want what you want, but you don't get to tell me or any other person how we need to live.
So again, you are telling someone else what they will feel or should feel, or will do, or should do.
Plenty of people decide they don't want to date again. Or don't want to be in a relationship again. It's not on you, me, or anyone else to tell them what they should want, or will want.
You really do have a thing about wanting to speak for others. I don't get it.
Well, personally I don't think people would even come to this site to partake in discussion on a relationship or dating board if they truly had no genuine interest in finding someone.
I see it all the time on dating sites, "I really don't need a man, but I wouldn't be opposed to having one". It's contradictory.
Kind of like when a customer comes into a car showroom, and when a salesperson approaches them, they may immediately say, "I'm not here to buy anything!"
I'm thinking, "But you came here...may not be now, but you'll eventually buy a car".
Well, personally I don't think people would even come to this site to partake in discussion on a relationship or dating board if they truly had no genuine interest in finding someone.
I see it all the time on dating sites, "I really don't need a man, but I wouldn't be opposed to having one". It's contradictory.
Kind of like when a customer comes into a car showroom, and when a salesperson approaches them, they may immediately say, "I'm not here to buy anything!"
I'm thinking, "But you came here...may not be now, but you'll eventually buy a car".
No, that statement about not needing a man but not being opposed to the idea, isn't contradictory in the slightest. It means she is not in a state of desperate need to find someone, anyone, to relieve her loneliness and be with her. But if a very compatible person showed up in her life, someone who really turned her head, she'd consider it. Meanwhile, she's perfectly happy on her own.
This is a concept that I have said again and again, and I think it's really a gendered thing. I think that men can be excessively goal oriented in ways that don't help the dating process. That whole "I left the cave to bag a mammoth, so I'm going to single-mindedly track and hunt them until I get the job done" mindset would have been great for the primitive past, and probably serves ambitious men pursuing other goals pretty well. But a guy who struggles in dating is disadvantaged by it.
It is the obsession with one and only one acceptable sort of outcome, that is more driving than getting to know human beings, or ascertaining actual compatibility, and that crushes the soul when failure to achieve the goal happens. I've tried to coach my ex out of this thinking because it's so destructive to him.
He says he's accepted that he'll just be alone forever because reasons, reasons, reasons (bitter and angry, evil wimminz etc) and he's better off on his own. You can't tell him MAYBE he will meet someone because to hope, is to suffer soul crushing despair if the desired results don't materialize. If you cannot guarantee a yes, then you must only believe in no. Utter inflexibility. No middle ground. No ability to process disappointment in a healthy way. Goes with all sorts of abandonment issues and personal neuroses. It's more comfortable to insist on failure and have the certainty of it, than to take a chance and not feel sure of the outcome.
As a woman, I could have been very happy living alone for the rest of my life. I'd have had flings as I pleased, a multitude of friends, and plenty to entertain me by myself on those quiet days in the house. Yet I was open to possibilities. When my boyfriend and I began dating, I wasn't even monogamous. And I told him I probably would never want to get married again, but I wasn't really sure. All that has, over time, changed. I was happy alone. Now I am happy, not alone. Not everyone goes through life with a fixed image in our mind of The Goal and is unhappy until we have that thing. If you accept, truly, that any outcome can perhaps be a good one, then you can live with not knowing for sure how things will turn out. If you're basically a happy person, then you don't suffer just because you're alone.
And I might not be in the market for a car just because I visit a car lot. I might just be bored and passing the time.
I don't object to your anecdotes, but I object to a lot of the assumptions you make about what they mean in the bigger picture. Just like a few other posters have explained.
Well, the thing of it is that I think people participating in a relationships/dating message board is a method using it as an area to vent about their dating or relationships woes. A time to heal.
We often have venting topics at CD-R.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
Well, that's certainly presumptuous. You are allowed to want what you want, but you don't get to tell me or any other person how we need to live.
When fleetie tells me something I believe it. ThisTown is not in any position to give anybody dating advice, or at least not until he has some real life experience worth hearing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I don't object to your anecdotes, but I object to a lot of the assumptions you make about what they mean in the bigger picture. Just like a few other posters have explained.
Part of the reason the divorce law is stupidly high is because people jump into marriage without everything aligning and then find out they're incompatible when the infatuation phase wears off, or they get bored.
A lot of people get married for the sake of getting married and the big wedding etc, rather than think about a lifetime with that partner. This reality has ruined the sanctification of marriage in modern times. Never being married isn't a red flag per se. The best women (and best men) don't tend to stay on the shelf for long, it's fair to say, which is kind of what the OP is driving at.
@ gazzaa2 - a lot of the reason, relationships as a whole fail (not just marriage, but regular b/f-g/f relationships) is the fact people jump into them bc their basing the attraction off the physical. Their both so physically-attracted to each other, they don't take the time to get to KNOW each other and I mean, REALLY get to know each other.
Case in point, a guy I went to college with, he got married for the 2nd time last July of 2017, (his first wife cheated on him with one of his best friends)...and they were still together as of back in January of this year (2018 as I type this post)...however, sometime after SHE decided she didn't want to be married anymore, so now their divorced. Not sure why she decided that, but that's what happened.
Not going to lie, that's a big reason why I like being single and really can't imagine being in the kind of relationship that would involve giving up that status. The conversations going on in other threads right now that imply (or outright state) that my choice to live my life as I do is denying some men access to my time and my body are chilling.
Yes, this is a great point. In many relationships, even if the parties both work, the woman still does much of the housework, cooking, etc. I was not brought up to think this was acceptable as my parents both had chores they each did. However, My best friend’s husband will ask her to clean up his own office even though she does not work in there or go in there.
Yes, this is a great point. In many relationships, even if the parties both work, the woman still does much of the housework, cooking, etc. I was not brought up to think this was acceptable as my parents both had chores they each did. However, My best friend’s husband will ask her to clean up his own office even though she does not work in there or go in there.
So it would seem the brunt of it all has to do with household tasks. That the main reason women stay single is because they come across men in their lives that expect them to do pretty much all the housework? I just saw that as the knee jerk response here.
I mean, I've been so accustomed to being single that I know to do dishes, clean, do my own housework, etc. No one is doing it for me, and that's probably a plus in my favor for having done it so long.
I mean, I believe in equal chores for all, like I cook , and she does the dishes, or vice versa...but the whole I just wondered because it seems INITIAL reaction to "Access to my time and body is connected to household chores somehow?"
Quote:
But if a very compatible person showed up in her life, someone who really turned her head, she'd consider it. Meanwhile, she's perfectly happy on her own.
Well, she would need to get the ball rolling by accepting a lunch date with a guy or drinks to get things started to see if her head is turned, yes?
I spent most of my adulthood very very socially active. Lots of boyfriends and dating all the time but never found someone truly compatible with my own desires and lifestyle I wanted. We always wanted different things and they could not relate to what I wanted and vice versa.
I didnt want to sacrifice my dreams and needs, to accomodate someone else. Just wasnt worth it to me. It was hard to imagine making that level of commitment to someone. What would I really be getting back? There just was never enough pull to take that step. Maybe that means Ive never been in love. I certainly have had long term intense and passionate relationships, but the idea of marriage and family was not attractive to me. It wasnt romantic to me.
Maybe I didnt watch enough Disney movies as a child or maybe Im not capable of commitment. I dont regret my life though. I had fun and I have lived my life exactly how I wanted to.
It may look unusual to others from the outside. But its my life and its how I opted to live it.
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