Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Housework is probably the most visible symptom of a problem that women are trying to dodge. We don't want to feel like a grown child's mother. We want to be two whole, functional, independent adults who combine forces on equal footing with similar goals, and who can respect each other. Not only do we not want to be picking up the dishes and trash that our boyfriend left littering the living room after playing video games on the couch for the last 15 straight hours, we (actually by this I mean, "I" and some women I know) do not want to feel the pressure of a guy who will quickly let us know that he can't live without us. We know very well we can probably live without him.
It was very, very appealing to me, to partner with a man who had been solo for so long because I knew that he COULD live without me. After all, the proof is right there, he's been doing it for some time. He does not need help learning how to hold a job, to budget, or to keep his house neat, or any of the adulty things. (Actually his bachelor pad was not very clean, except for the rooms where he spent most of his time...but I felt that was a case of, "it's just me, so who cares?" and indeed, we have no problems when it comes to cleanliness now that we live together.) But way more significantly, is the emotional burden.
That one is harder to explain and a lot less visible than a sink full of dirty dishes.
I wanted a guy who did not make me responsible for his emotional states. Who had sane boundaries about where his feelings, and mine, begin and end. If one of us says or does something, and the other has a negative emotional reaction to it, the person with the feeling owns the feeling. It is not a demand that the other one change what they are doing. And if I am for instance too tired or stressed to have sex, I am not punishing him, he doesn't have to whine and grovel and carry on about having done something wrong, he understands that I'm having my feelings, and everything is NOT all about him.
Healthy relationships have healthy personal boundaries. They are not "enmeshed" to use a term out of the book I'm reading, about dysfunctional relationships and families. Or a better way that it was put:
Healthy: "I need you because I love you."
Unhealthy: "I love you because I need you."
And if a woman is very happy on her own, then a man has to meet a certain bar to give her incentive to come out to a date with him, to see if he is really interesting or not. When it comes to online dating, a lot of women can read your profile and see enough to know if any particular man is worth meeting up with or not. I believe (unless I'm wrong?) that you are into nerdy convention stuff right? Am I remembering that right? Are you a sports fan? Let's say you are not. Or substitute, I dunno, NASCAR or hot rods or something you just do not care about. If a person online is on and on about some stuff you have zero interest in for instance, then why do you want to give up a perfectly enjoyable evening at home, to go sit and listen to them talk about stuff that bores you? That's just an illustration. We might need to meet a guy to decide if he really turns our head, but we can often tell without doing so, if he most definitely does NOT.
A woman who does not need a man, doesn't need just any man so badly she's obligated to give every and any man who wants her, a piece of her time. I mean, just because you want a woman, does that mean you go on dates with even women you find very unappealing? Those who either look bad, or say things on their profiles that put you off? Wanting a good companion, and "needing a man" are different things.
Another thing too that men do, is they sometimes stop dating your wife. I was listening to John Tesh's podcast, and his wife Connie Seleca that said to NEVER stop dating your spouse. To at least do a date night once a month. Some men....they say that once they catch the train, they feel no need to chase.
Another thing too that men do, is they sometimes stop dating your wife. I was listening to John Tesh's podcast, and his wife Connie Seleca that said to NEVER stop dating your spouse. To at least do a date night once a month. Some men....they say that once they catch the train, they feel no need to chase.
That's true.
Optimally you ought to enjoy each other's company and want to spend time together. At least sometimes.
But I have found that scheduling sex in particular, is better than leaving it to "spontaneity." A lot of people don't agree with me on that. It's not that we CAN'T be spontaneous. It's just that setting aside a generous chunk of time, like most of a Saturday or an entire evening, for that kind of activity... It helps to avoid situations where life starts elbowing in on our available time.
I dunno, I get the premise behind this thread, but it's weird to me because I've heard more people complain about "baggage" from past relationships, especially with women, rather than saying "she does not have enough baggage...what's wrong with her!?"
Oh, and I wanted to apologize...*sigh*...when I came back to this thread it really struck me that my last post was just horribly long. Whole wall of text. I know I do that, I've been trying to work on it, but sometimes I spin out a bit. Sorry you guys. I'll keep trying to get that under control...
Just to add to my previous post, in which I said I think if someone has been on the vine until their mid thirties there is a reason, I just visited a friend and saw her 45 ish, never married, son.
He has a new house, a good job, a Porsche and a Jaguar, and he’s nice looking. Seemingly perfect marriage material, but he is ultra conservative politically, paranoid about having any online exposure...he won’t even order products online, and lately he’s started talking about not paying taxes. See where I’m going here?
Not all women want marriage and children and it is okay.
In the West, women for the most part are no longer expected to be wives, mothers. Today women have the opportunities for a career, get credit without a co-signer, can buy their own cars and homes, and get bank loans. Women no longer need to marry in order to be supported, we can do it ourselves. It is no longer shameful to be unmarried by the time you are 25 (spinster). Now, if women plan to be mothers and raise them alone it is possible to provide for them by ourselves.
I think people should stop looking for red flags of this sort.
For one thing, many very attractive women are approached mainly by sleazes, egotists who only want them to show them off without caring to get to know them as a person, men with control issues, guys who are insecure and intimidated by their intelligence or even modest accomplishments, and other undesirables. They have a hard time finding the down-to-earth good guys, especially considering that some of those guys are too shy to approach women. They can end up spinning their wheels a lot, dating shallow guys, guys who want to dominate them, etc.
For another thing, even "decently-attractive" (whatever that is) women can have a hard time struggling with invisibility on the one hand, and approaches by marginally-employed guys prone to drama or other issues, who consider the "decently-attractive" or average women to be "in their league". And then, there are the petite, or "cute" baby-faced women who only attract the attention of teenagers.
There is no endless flow of men wanting to wife women up, except for maybe the top 20% or so of women. Get that out of your head. Banish that thought from your mind. And are you really holding some women's child-free status against them? You're saying that's a red flag, but having a baby-daddy or two somewhere in the wings is not a red flag?
And let me also remind you, that in order to find out that a woman "has her act together", men need to first talk to her. They need to approach her, or respond if she tries to start up a chat, and follow that up with another conversation or date, and get to know her. She's not wearing a badge that says "I've got my act together". Men need to speak to women (an insurmountable hurdle, for some), and then show an interest in who she is (you'd be surprised how many men's minds this thought never crosses), rather than burying women in an avalanche of non-stop words. Getting to know someone to find out if they have their act together is a process that takes time and willingness to hear what others have to say about themselves. IDK, should women wear badges stating their accomplishments, to make it easier for men to find "together" women? "Homeowner here", "CEO", "Lawyer", etc.? Trust me, some of those women do get overlooked a lot.
But then, on the other hand, you DO have those women wherein the man she has met WANTS the woman he has met to talk about herself and truly let him know who and what she is and what she's about and yet, instead of benig forthcoming and god-naturedly down-to-earth, she chooses to be coy and mysterious to whatever degree (seemingly speaking guardedly, if at all, and hence keeping the man guessing and wondering what and who he is dealing with). It's like such women that I speak of here want to know everything about the man (so that she can size him up and make her determinations regarding him)-- and that is all well and good in my mind --AND YET she won't afford the man the same due consideration or not enough so. Or she "seems" like she is sharing her true self but the man learns later that what she shared is somewhat of a "false front". And the man may find that, even over the course of time beyond the first meeting with whatever woman, the woman is always holding back to some degree and not revealing her true colors. I've encountered it often enough in life.
All that was said above by myself is not meant to overlook or discount the shortcomings that any man has or may have in such male - female interactions but just that all woman aren't always down-to-earth adn forthcoming and hence don't always give the man enough about herself to work with (to allow him to make determinations about her suitability for him) by her choice to hold back, to be so coy, and sometimes to outright deceive to whatever degree. A woman shouldn't waste time with a man who isn't willing to lay out HIS cards (i.e, his TRUE cards) for her . . . but likewise, I don't waste time with woman who apparently choose to not be straight, down-to-earth, and forthcoming with me. I can just readily find someone else or just stay unpartnered and content (i.e., content enough to continue living my life with enough mental and emotional health -- as I am not, in the end, much of a "co-dependent" person). I am one who CAN live my life partnered or unpartnered and be OK either way.
But then, on the other hand, you DO have those women wherein the man she has met WANTS the woman he has met to talk about herself and truly let him know who and what she is and what she's about and yet, instead of benig forthcoming and god-naturedly down-to-earth, she chooses to be coy and mysterious to whatever degree (seemingly speaking guardedly, if at all, and hence keeping the man guessing and wondering what and who he is dealing with). It's like such women that I speak of here want to know everything about the man (so that she can size him up and make her determinations regarding him)-- and that is all well and good in my mind --AND YET she won't afford the man the same due consideration or not enough so. Or she "seems" like she is sharing her true self but the man learns later that what she shared is somewhat of a "false front". And the man may find that, even over the course of time beyond the first meeting with whatever woman, the woman is always holding back to some degree and not revealing her true colors. I've encountered it often enough in life.
All that was said above by myself is not meant to overlook or discount the shortcomings that any man has or may have in such male - female interactions but just that all woman aren't always down-to-earth adn forthcoming and hence don't always give the man enough about herself to work with (to allow him to make determinations about her suitability for him) by her choice to hold back, to be so coy, and sometimes to outright deceive to whatever degree. A woman shouldn't waste time with a man who isn't willing to lay out HIS cards (i.e, his TRUE cards) for her . . . but likewise, I don't waste time with woman who apparently choose to not be straight, down-to-earth, and forthcoming with me. I can just readily find someone else or just stay unpartnered and content (i.e., content enough to continue living my life with enough mental and emotional health -- as I am not, in the end, much of a "co-dependent" person). I am one who CAN live my life partnered or unpartnered and be OK either way.
Another thing too that men do, is they sometimes stop dating your wife. I was listening to John Tesh's podcast, and his wife Connie Seleca that said to NEVER stop dating your spouse. To at least do a date night once a month. Some men....they say that once they catch the train, they feel no need to chase.
YES. Also, at least for my wife and I, don't stop the flirting and the nonsexual physical affection (we find that sex itself is better and more frequent when we are more physically affectionate overall).
Sometimes, especially for a mom, it can be hard when the kids are touching her all day, but generally, we try to keep it up.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
