My boyfriend doesn’t wanna marry me (date, girlfriend, men)
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This is what happens when you move in with someone too soon, and for the wrong reasons (because both of you happened to need a place at the same time, for example). This happens a lot; one person's lease is up, so the other person says, "Hey, why not move in with me" (what they don't say, is: "so you can pay half my rent", or, "so you'll be dependent on me").
What an incredibly rude dad. Why would you want to marry into this family, anyway? Consider this a huge red flag.
We've had posts from other people with Indian spouses. The visiting-relatives scene is often part of the package. Not just a parent now and then, but cousins, siblings on vacation, whatever. If they can't be polite, and if your bf can't confront them about being rude (what's up with that?!), then it's not going to work.
You could go back to having your own place, and continue to see him, but the problem with that is, if you were to get married, you'd have to continue to have your own place, because the dad's a jerk, and will continue to be rude. So what kind of a marriage would that be? Your bf probably wouldn't go for it, anyway.
He's really missing the point, in asking you to get along with his dad. What have you ever done to not get along with his dad? His dad, quite clearly, is the problem, not you. (Unless there's something you haven't told us.) It sounds like the dad took an instant dislike to you, probably for arbitrary reasons. He probably wants sonny-boy to marry someone with higher status, or something, thinking sonny only "deserves" the best, or whatever. It's irrational, but that could be it. So the problem isn't that you're doing anything wrong.
Sorry, OP. He's chosen his dad over you, basically. He wants you to twist yourself into a pretzel for his dad, but he doesn't realize that even that wouldn't work.
He somehow is dependent on my income. He does pay half of our rent and bills but I pay for more groceries. When we go out or get take out mainly I pay. Recently I told him I’m not paying for alcohol anymore because I don’t drink. I don’t mind paying for food. It is a basic necessity. He also has debt because he got some furniture for us. I know If he dumps me he would take all of his furniture. He told me he wouldn’t leave me but I doubt it.
So what if he takes the furniture? That’s not the kind of thing one should go into debt for. You can pick up great items for virtually nothing if you shop estate sales and good thrift stores.
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Location: USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Isolation
He has always been employed but has so much debt.
I know someone like that. I even thought about marrying him. When we talked about the subject of money, he confided that he has a lot of debt. That was the deal breaker there. Marrying someone with massive debt isn't a bright idea. Best to keep it long-term or find someone else that wants marry you.
Culture shock.
He will always put his parents interests for him and the family as a whole before he does you as far as marriage goes. If they don’t approve of you, you’re not going to get very far seeking a marriage to this man. He wants you to get along with his father because unless you do your relationship will never be approved of.
You’re dealing with totally different cultural expectations here. You should understand this after 2 years with this man.
Last edited by rego00123; 06-19-2019 at 11:47 AM..
Culture shock.
He will always put his parents interests for him and the family as a whole before he does you as far as marriage goes. If they don’t approve of you, you’re not going to get very far seeking a marriage to this man. He wants you to get along with his father because unless you do your relationship will never be approved of.
You’re dealing with totally different cultural expectations here. You should understand this after 2 years with this man.
The thing is, there is no getting along with a father who refuses to accept the gf (potentially future in-law) because of some unstated seemingly arbitrary reason. It's the father who's creating the obstacle and being rude for no reason. How does one "get along with" that? It's the dad who's creating the conflict, not the OP.
OP, I'm afraid it's hopeless. Besides, why exactly are you into this guy? He has debt, he doesn't seem to be able to make enough money to be able to pay for some furniture?? Some of his debt is --what?!--due to alcohol consumption, did I get that right? Or you've been subsidizing his alcohol consumption? He's not able to live within his means? That's not going to improve. His debt will drag you down; you'll be legally responsible for it, if you marry. Differing money-management styles are one of the top two reasons for divorce.
OK, now tell us about the positive aspects of the relationship. What, exactly, does this guy have going for him? What are your reasons for being with him, his redeeming qualities?
Hi everyone,
I’ve been living in with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We moved in because both us were looking for a place. My housemate moved back with her family and he was leaving his work accomodation as he quit that horrible job.
It seemed a good idea to move in together. (We moved in after dating for 5 months)
His sister was going through domestic violence so the dad decided to come and stay with us for 2 months and apparently help his daughter.
My boyfriend is Indian. While his dad was at our place, he made me feel so uncomfortable. He would come home after going out and he would say stuff like “this place isn’t amicable!!” Just 1 min after coming in. He made fun of my achievements. He kept on saying when his wife was alive she would cook better dishes than me. I always try to find the easiest and convenient dishes to cook. He gave me disgusting looks when I came home. Never replied back to my greetings etc etc
I kept quiet and wasn’t even comfortable sitting with my boyfriend and his father. I felt I was trapped in my own house. Meanwhile his dad was taking advantage of my silence. He started telling my boyfriend he deserves better. He deserves happiness.
In the end, last week he was here: his dad told my boyfriend he doesn’t like me, told him he would never accept me and my boyfriend should leave me and never marry me. When my boyfriend said he can’t do that. His dad asked him if I was better than him!?
After he left, our relationship went all weird. We barely spoke. Things were bad. Until we spoke and I told him I am scared of having his dad here again. To which he told me recently he can’t tell his dad not to come here again.
Well I paid for so many expenses (grocery, alcohol, etc & etc) when his dad was here. My boyfriend was broke. (He has a job but is still in so much debt) My boyfriend recently went back to India for a family trip. He came back saying I don’t want to marry you. I don’t want kids. It’s not about me but he doesn’t wanna marry anyone else. (That’s his father has nothing to do with his marriage decision)And also he wants a partner that would get along with his dad. He wants me talk to his dad again.
I don’t understand why in a live in relationship I should have to accomodate his family!? Be nice to his family when they are not. My boyfriend has never wanted to speak to my parents. He said he won’t and wouldn’t. So why should I do all he wants? Am I wrong? I don’t know what to do. There’s not much affection and intimacy left in our relationship. My boyfriend also never make me feel especial, surprise me, take me out.
I am lost.
Here's the thing you haven't fully grasped yet: When you marry someone, you marry the family. If you are still clinging to a hope of marrying this guy after the torrent of abuse you've endured, then you really need to work on your self-esteem.
A sensible woman would have a) thrown the father out of the house for being insulted and b) throw the boyfriend out of the house for not wanting to get married.
Location: In a city within a state where politicians come to get their PHDs in Corruption
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
The thing is, there is no getting along with a father who refuses to accept the gf (potentially future in-law) because of some unstated seemingly arbitrary reason. It's the father who's creating the obstacle and being rude for no reason. How does one "get along with" that? It's the dad who's creating the conflict, not the OP.
OP, I'm afraid it's hopeless. Besides, why exactly are you into this guy? He has debt, he doesn't seem to be able to make enough money to be able to pay for some furniture?? Some of his debt is --what?!--due to alcohol consumption, did I get that right? Or you've been subsidizing his alcohol consumption? He's not able to live within his means? That's not going to improve. His debt will drag you down; you'll be legally responsible for it, if you marry. Differing money-management styles are one of the top two reasons for divorce.
OK, now tell us about the positive aspects of the relationship. What, exactly, does this guy have going for him? What are your reasons for being with him, his redeeming qualities?
It isn't arbitrary. In India, one marries his/her own kind. I'm not talking necessarily about race here either. Caste system is very prevalent in India. I have a buddy who's five generations removed from the home country, and he still couldn't marry woman he wanted to. It was either her or the family. He chose family. It might be harsh coming from an individualistic society we live in, but to him and his family it was a big deal.
It isn't arbitrary. In India, one marries his/her own kind. I'm not talking necessarily about race here either. Caste system is very prevalent in India. I have a buddy who's five generations removed from the home country, and he still couldn't marry woman he wanted to. It was either her or the family. He chose family. It might be harsh coming from an individualistic society we live in, but to him and his family it was a big deal.
OP should have known this going in.
I know. I mentioned exactly that earlier as the likely reason. To the OP and other observers. the dad's reasons are "seemingly arbitrary", I said.
But the OP's bf isn't any winner, himself. The reality of his current life, irrespective of the caste he's from, is that he doesn't earn enough to pay for basic necessities (even while splitting rent with a gf), and has racked up debt. This isn't the life of a typically high-caste person. The dad may realize this, and is deflecting the blame onto the OP for dragging his son down, but it's the son who apparently hasn't made the most of his education, and is making choices more indicative of a low-life type, not high-caste. His dad needs to get real. One thing he's not seeing, is the extent to which the OP subsidizes her bf's life, and the goodwill and good heart she's been doing that with, up to now.
But naturally, those great qualities of the OP don't figure into the dad's shallow value system. In any case, there's nothing the OP could possibly do to "get along with" a dad who's dead-set against her.
Sorry, OP. In-law drama is not uncommon in India. But honestly, I think you could do better than this guy, anyway. Though I"m open to hearing your reasons for sticking with him. We haven't heard that side of the story, yet.
Why are you with him? Do you think you're not capable of attracting anyone else at all?
Honest question.
Not the OP , but why do people assume that people have many options when it comes to dating ?
Not everyone is that fortunate you know
This is just me, I'd very much prefer no options than bad options. Having to settle for bad options is not being fortunate. Most people do not have to settle for less, but they do because of other underlying issues, like low self esteem, low expectations, et. c. That's why multiple posters are asking you Why?"
The guy is using you and has no respect for you. Toss the scrub out.
I know. I mentioned exactly that earlier as the likely reason. To the OP and other observers. the dad's reasons are "seemingly arbitrary", I said.
But the OP's bf isn't any winner, himself. The reality of his current life, irrespective of the caste he's from, is that he doesn't earn enough to pay for basic necessities (even while splitting rent with a gf), and has racked up debt. This isn't the life of a typically high-caste person. The dad may realize this, and is deflecting the blame onto the OP for dragging his son down, but it's the son who apparently hasn't made the most of his education, and is making choices more indicative of a low-life type, not high-caste. His dad needs to get real. One thing he's not seeing, is the extent to which the OP subsidizes her bf's life, and the goodwill and good heart she's been doing that with, up to now.
But naturally, those great qualities of the OP don't figure into the dad's shallow value system. In any case, there's nothing the OP could possibly do to "get along with" a dad who's dead-set against her.
Sorry, OP. In-law drama is not uncommon in India. But honestly, I think you could do better than this guy, anyway. Though I"m open to hearing your reasons for sticking with him. We haven't heard that side of the story, yet.
Our relationship was going very well before his dad came. The visit of his dad was impromptu. Happened because of his sister’s issues. My boyfriend is a good person, he takes care of me when I’m sick. He helps with house chores. He was emotionally available. He did anything to make me happy.
I know he has been raised to be an obedient son. He has to do what his father wants otherwise his father calls him a disappointment. So he will always put his family first. According to him when his mum passed away in an accident his extended family was there every night having dinner together for months. He doesn’t realise that they were just trying to create a happy atmosphere and he never grieved about losing his mum. His dad never even bothered about him because the pain of losing his wife was too much. He thinks he always needs to be there for his dad. Father his own dad.
I know that he is not the man I fell in love with. I’m happy he is honest to me about marriage and all. I was hurt thinking I’m not worthy of marriage but I’ve realised that It is for the best. It was an eye opener, what he told me.
I am happy I could help him when he was in need. I helped him get out of his bad situation (he was being mentally tortured in his previous job)
He is a man that gets really comfortable and has a hard time with change. I’m the opposite, I love change. I guess this will be a new chapter for me. A lesson learnt.
Last edited by Isolation; 06-20-2019 at 09:08 AM..
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