My boyfriend doesn’t wanna marry me (man, sex, reasons)
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I've appreciated this thread. Your honesty. Your lack of defensiveness. It sounds like you think you may be ready to move on? I was curious at some point reading the entire thread today...as I am in a relationship with a man who I feel does not treat me well. I don't think he means to...we're both older...so he's older and habits get ingrained...and there are some behavior patterns I don't see as healthy in a relationship, but I've put up with them so far and felt embarrresed as i haven't made sure he's moved out.
Our situation is similar...we moved in together by circumstance. Its true we dated many years ago - lightly - but I knew he was trusthworthy so let him move in for housesitting while I visited family. Fires happened here in N California and he lost his next place....I was lonely and let him say. As someone pointed out - a wrong motive for being together never works out but I allowed my loneliness and not having a relationship in a long time to rule out.
Anyway this should be about you, not me. And I may have missed some crucial details of your situation. I simply wondered, and empathized as I was reading, reflecting that for me there are certain fears in letting go - even when this is a bad relationship. (I know yours was basically good before dad showed up - which ended up highlighting not so great things in ya'lls relationship).
I have had a fear of at my age meeting a good man who is compatible. Its hard enough to find that....feels harder the older I get. I'm a bit of a loner, but I've LOVED the companionship. Then I started thinking really the bottom line was not as much fear of finding a better companion, but the fear of being alone. Do you have that? Maybe not. But I think its real. I ran into a girlfriend the other day whose husband is divorcing her. She said something I resonated with. "Relationships can turn into love/hate. You don't get along with the person anymore but love the comfort of having someone in your home". YES!
Whats weird...is we do live in a small place here in N california where things are SO expensive....alot of people get crammed together perhaps more than they'd chose otherwise. After my daughter left home I never wanted a roommate and if I played it right I could barely afford to live here alone - which would be a luxery. That was before I experienced living with a man for the first time in a long, long time. Having "my person". So I just wondered reading...if you felt the same thing....having gotten attached after couple years (about the same here) and being a loner so not much support system....(same here)...if part of the issue in leaving a unsatisfactory relationship was the fear of being alone. Yes? No? Just curious if we relate that way.
Thanks for your post...I learned alot by it and by peoples responses. Perhaps I should post my own. Thanks for listening and I sincerely wish you the best. You sound bright, industrious, caring, and excellent partner. I probably am too. If you do like the companionship (pep talk to myself) perhaps we can each find ways to get out of our bubble and seek healthier companions. Mine also has debt although is working hard on it. I'll miss the rent when I do boot him out cause I will choose to live alone then. I'll miss the comfort of another person knowing my life (takes sooo long to get to know someone - such an investment). AND, I need to get out of my bubble and find a way to get out and meet people. I've considered meetups (apps on iphone) - personal interest in hiking/camping. And I've considered a dance lessons class. There are so many other kinds of meetups...will take nerve but once past the beginning could meet some nice people - men and women.
good luck to you and know you are very worthy of a mate who puts you first, probably is the same nationality, and is not in so much debt.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been living in with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We moved in because both us were looking for a place. My housemate moved back with her family and he was leaving his work accomodation as he quit that horrible job.
It seemed a good idea to move in together. (We moved in after dating for 5 months)
His sister was going through domestic violence so the dad decided to come and stay with us for 2 months and apparently help his daughter.
My boyfriend is Indian. While his dad was at our place, he made me feel so uncomfortable. He would come home after going out and he would say stuff like “this place isn’t amicable!!” Just 1 min after coming in. He made fun of my achievements. He kept on saying when his wife was alive she would cook better dishes than me. I always try to find the easiest and convenient dishes to cook. He gave me disgusting looks when I came home. Never replied back to my greetings etc etc
I kept quiet and wasn’t even comfortable sitting with my boyfriend and his father. I felt I was trapped in my own house. Meanwhile his dad was taking advantage of my silence. He started telling my boyfriend he deserves better. He deserves happiness.
In the end, last week he was here: his dad told my boyfriend he doesn’t like me, told him he would never accept me and my boyfriend should leave me and never marry me. When my boyfriend said he can’t do that. His dad asked him if I was better than him!?
After he left, our relationship went all weird. We barely spoke. Things were bad. Until we spoke and I told him I am scared of having his dad here again. To which he told me recently he can’t tell his dad not to come here again.
Well I paid for so many expenses (grocery, alcohol, etc & etc) when his dad was here. My boyfriend was broke. (He has a job but is still in so much debt) My boyfriend recently went back to India for a family trip. He came back saying I don’t want to marry you. I don’t want kids. It’s not about me but he doesn’t wanna marry anyone else. (That’s his father has nothing to do with his marriage decision)And also he wants a partner that would get along with his dad. He wants me talk to his dad again.
I don’t understand why in a live in relationship I should have to accomodate his family!? Be nice to his family when they are not. My boyfriend has never wanted to speak to my parents. He said he won’t and wouldn’t. So why should I do all he wants? Am I wrong? I don’t know what to do. There’s not much affection and intimacy left in our relationship. My boyfriend also never make me feel especial, surprise me, take me out.
I am lost.
Consider yourself lucky that you found this all out BEFORE the marriage phase rather than DURING it.
In-laws are a prime factor in many cases of divorce. In this case, your potential father in-law is horrifyingly rude. He fails to (1) recognize the help you are providing, (2) the reverence and open-mindedness you have for dating someone from a completely different culture and (3) the sincere relationship you have with his son. But the in-law is too much in this case. The son most likely has a cultural expectation to end it asap. You should just go through with that and find someone more compatible.
One of the best books that highlights conflicts like that is "The Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Married" by Wendy Jaffe. The divorce rate is about 50%, and rates of infidelity for those who do not get divorced is about the same. This book exposes major red flags. You hit a big one with "in-laws". You should check it out. There are other red flags. Best wishes.
He's been clear about the future. It's not with you. Make a plan to move out. Don't worry about him and what he needs. Let him figure it out.
Also, just an educated guess, when he was in India he met the future bride selected by his family. I know that arranged marriages are still very common in India and that those living in other countries will return to India to meet a bride or groom.
Yup, this. I know a woman who was with an Indian man, and they both thought the other was their soul mate, yet he still caved to the pressure of his family and broke it off with her and, IIRC, did end up marrying someone else from India.
First off, I'll preface this by saying that I'm Indian-American and born in the US
My suggestion to women is to NEVER date Indian guys who are recent immigrants or who aren't fully assimilated. You will deal with conservative and unpleasant parents, as you did. Plus, you'll deal with a lot of cultural factors that push them towards not marrying anyone outside their race.
So recent Indian immigrants = don't do it
Americanized Indians or Indian Americans = go ahead
He is a man that gets really comfortable and has a hard time with change. I’m the opposite, I love change. I guess this will be a new chapter for me. A lesson learnt.
Hugs. You seem to be a great person and I am sure you will find someone in no time.
Indians don't marry non-Indians. The main reason why his dad doesn't like you is because you're a non-Indian. Furthermore, one of the worst places on earth, if not the worst for women is India.
While I'm not a fan of blanket advice, it's time to cut your losses. There's absolutely nothing here for you.
Not entirely true of all Indians. Some do marry non-Indians.
Not entirely true of all Indians. Some do marry non-Indians.
Some...sure
But statistically, indians don't out-marry much...
"In fact, out of all Asian-Americans, Indian-Americans are the most likely to marry someone of their ethnicity — only 10 percent marry outside of their race, according to Le’s research. " https://www.ozy.com/fast-forward/goo...ern-love/61339
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