How long should you know someone you are dating before being alone with them?

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by shelato

I can actually partially explain this one.

I understand the genesis of this idea. Maybe your friend just broke up with his ex and reluctant to start reaching out to others, worried that he might just get rejected again. To get him to do something, you and your other friends tell him to do something stupid with the rational that once he has committed his biggest fear, got rejected and the world didn't blow up then he doesn't have to be so worried about the outcome going forward. There is no ego loss on that message because of course she is going to reject you. So there is no shame in that. But it gets him past sending out his big stumbling block sending out his first message.

I am betting that this is how this stuff starts.

There is something I've noticed that I am calling "the comfort of controlled failure." A guy (for example) who feels afraid and insecure about something, that may go badly in ways that are not within his control, will sometimes deliberately sabotage it. It confirms his failure-oriented bias which brings a certain smug, pessimistic comfort, AND it makes him feel in control of the situation rather than the result being at least halfway in another person's hands. And if somehow, despite his attempt to offend, a woman still chooses him, then she must REALLY want him! People who do this tend not to admit it, not even to themselves, because setting up the event (rejection) that they need to confirm their negative expectations, when they experience it again and again, they feel very comfortable also declaring that the problem is not them, it's the other people.

I speculate that men more often do this, because men tend to be somewhat goal oriented. Accepting complete mystery, unknown, and chaos in terms of what the end result will be, of a process, and just setting aside the destination to enjoy the journey, seems to be difficult for at least a number of men I have known....actually it might be more accurate to say that while I haven't seen this in all or even significantly most men, I've observed this pattern more in men than in women. If you need to know the final answer to the question of whether a person will partner with you, and you cannot control it enough to make that answer a yes, you have to accept the rather annoying fact that another person's agency is involved, but you CAN make sure the answer is a no...for some it appears easier to hit the "NO" button and disengage from the process, than to cope with the uncertainty.

Does that make sense?

And if I'm describing my observation clearly enough, is this something that has been written about or defined elsewhere?

EDIT: From a psychology standpoint by the way, I feel this is an evolution of children who have parents who ignore them unless they misbehave, and then give attention in the form of punishment. If the only way to be "seen" is to behave badly, that sets a pattern of taking control and being willing to accept that the outcome will be negative, but it will at least be something.

[ADogNamedSam]

Originally Posted by ThisTown123

… a type of new exercise that's trending. Saw her in her yoga pants, and that's all I needed.

My interpretation of this statement is that when ThisTown, as well as myself, say our prayers at night, we always thank God for the persons that invented women's yoga pants and those stretch leotard/workout pants. As well as the trend that made them acceptable apparel for wearing in public without covering with an over-sized long t-shirt.


Yum. I live in a vrrry fit community and they are everywhere.