How long should you know someone you are dating before being alone with them? (boyfriend, man)
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I find it inconceivable that someone at your age, who has been through what you claim to have been through, would not have a better handle on this.
It is indeed a learned trait, plus instinct. Pay attention.
I do have a friend or relative text me while meeting someone for the first time. They know it’s so I can also use them as an “excuse” if I have to leave. Never because the guy is boring or I find him unattractive in person, I’ll stick it out til the end of the meeting if that’s the case. But having an excuse to say: “Oh sorry, I’m going to have to cut this short” has helped me on a couple of occasions when being confrontational may not have been wise.
The instinct part: I was meeting someone for the second time, liked him, chemistry, very charming. He had just moved into a new house, was raving about the river view and his great backyard and patio. He invited me over for a drink, outside on the patio, said he wanted to use his new grill. Sounds like fun! I’m not scared of people, I actually have had years of self defense classes from working inside of a state hospital. That all helps in my decision making process. Still, when my sister texted, he asked “who’s that?” I smiled and told him it was my sister, she checks on me if I tell her I’m meeting someone I don’t know very well.
He told me to text her and tell her I’m “Fine.” I got a strange feeling by his insistence (all up in my business) when he told me about a half an hour later: “You know me, you really need to get back to your sister, tell her you’re ok.” I don’t know if it’s because I strongly don’t like to be told what to do, or if I pictured some kind of hostage situation where the person is forced to pretend they’re ok, but I didn’t respond, because I wasn’t ready to say I was “ok”! Sheesh, I finished my drink, came up with some excuse to leave and cut the whole thing short.
It doesn’t matter if you meet someone online or in person, trust your gut and don’t feel rude for leaving the scene.
It is indeed a learned trait, plus instinct. Pay attention.
I do have a friend or relative text me while meeting someone for the first time. They know it’s so I can also use them as an “excuse” if I have to leave. Never because the guy is boring or I find him unattractive in person, I’ll stick it out til the end of the meeting if that’s the case. But having an excuse to say: “Oh sorry, I’m going to have to cut this short” has helped me on a couple of occasions when being confrontational may not have been wise.
The instinct part: I was meeting someone for the second time, liked him, chemistry, very charming. He had just moved into a new house, was raving about the river view and his great backyard and patio. He invited me over for a drink, outside on the patio, said he wanted to use his new grill. Sounds like fun! I’m not scared of people, I actually have had years of self defense classes from working inside of a state hospital. That all helps in my decision making process. Still, when my sister texted, he asked “who’s that?” I smiled and told him it was my sister, she checks on me if I tell her I’m meeting someone I don’t know very well.
He told me to text her and tell her I’m “Fine.” I got a strange feeling by his insistence (all up in my business) when he told me about a half an hour later: “You know me, you really need to get back to your sister, tell her you’re ok.” I don’t know if it’s because I strongly don’t like to be told what to do, or if I pictured some kind of hostage situation where the person is forced to pretend they’re ok, but I didn’t respond, because I wasn’t ready to say I was “ok”! Sheesh, I finished my drink, came up with some excuse to leave and cut the whole thing short.
It doesn’t matter if you meet someone online or in person, trust your gut and don’t feel rude for leaving the scene.
Yeah, sometimes your instinct tells you something. Thats a good example. He was being pushy and controlling.
I get that instinct too sometimes but its not 100% correct. Like the guy who insisted on picking me up our 2nd date and wouldnt hear of me taking my own car and meeting him. That didnt sit right with me at all, and I refused. Maybe he was just being chivalrous but I didnt know him enough to let him drive me around having me fully dependent on him to get back home.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jade408
If I meet someone at a bar or party, chances are I have interacted with him. And my friends are around watching the signals and they have also chatted with him. It adds a second layer of vetting.
At a bar, odds are good they also live nearby. It gives you more data points.
Online you don’t have many data points and no one else you know has done any vetting.
But you can do all the vetting you want....before you agree to meet someone tho......because you have learned so many details about him...or her. If you can’t verify them....then don’t meet....
Meeting a stranger just because they are at a bar or a store doesn’t mean they are who they say they are tho.....did you ever read Looking for Mr. Goodbar? How many rapists...or just guys that want sex....look for a victim in a bar? Lots of people think it’s nothing to pick up someone they don’t know long before the internet was around......bars...grocery stores...airports....but think online is dangerous when you can have all the time you want.....to verify him or ask anything you want & get to know him over hours & hours before meeting & then still take precautions when you do meet...........
Guys that just want sex go to clubs...bars...& look at websites that are for that.....so they don’t have to put out the effort & time to get to know us......
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
Dunno.
I've never dated someone I don't know.
The whole concept is weird.
Oh for Pete’s sake.......you get to know them before you date.....online is just a way to meet like a grocery store or bar or a class or a gym......you just get to know them better before you meet them in person. So it’s better IMO.....
Like over 40% of couples that are dating met online & I forget how many couples that marry met online...according to the Knot... but it’s also kinda high.....
It’s a really hard thing for older people to understand or get used to.......some of us grew up meeting friends from other schools online. Ofc....you have to be careful & smart about it but you have to do that if you meet a man at the grocery store too......
My wife and I talked online for 6 months before she agreed to meet me. Then, it was in the town where she lived and we went to a restaurant in town at noon on Sunday, a restaurant where the church goers go to eat after church. That way, if things didn't go right and she "disappeared" as she said, there would be people who know her who could describe me. Luckily things worked out fine! We met at her house and we drove, ALONE and in her car, to the restaurant. Yes, we ended up having sex that night but it was mutual and there was absolutely no pressure from either one of us.
The first thing you need to do to see if it's ok to be alone with the date is to get over your paranoia. How can you go anywhere and not be alone? Meet him somewhere, then get in separate cars and go somewhere else?
And, like other CD folks are saying on here about how to get away from somebody pressuring you, you have two feet. Use them!
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,584,857 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kygman
My wife and I talked online for 6 months before she agreed to meet me. Then, it was in the town where she lived and we went to a restaurant in town at noon on Sunday, a restaurant where the church goers go to eat after church. That way, if things didn't go right and she "disappeared" as she said, there would be people who know her who could describe me. Luckily things worked out fine! We met at her house and we drove, ALONE and in her car, to the restaurant. Yes, we ended up having sex that night but it was mutual and there was absolutely no pressure from either one of us.
The first thing you need to do to see if it's ok to be alone with the date is to get over your paranoia. How can you go anywhere and not be alone? Meet him somewhere, then get in separate cars and go somewhere else?
And, like other CD folks are saying on here about how to get away from somebody pressuring you, you have two feet. Use them!
I would never agree to get in a guy’s car the 1st time we are meeting.......ever!!
I wouldn’t want him coming to where I live either. 1st meetings belong in public IMO....
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