How long should you know someone you are dating before being alone with them? (advice, friend)
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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh
You may not care...BUT a woman’s safety & how soon we are alone with a man when dating him.....can be a big thing.....read all the posts about women that have been raped on a 1st or 2nd date.....
And people have been raped by spouses, and by people they've never had a date with. Not sure what your point is. At all. A woman will be alone with me, or anyone else, as soon as they feel comfortable doing so... which again, can be instantaneously to never, or anywhere in between. I've had a few times where people just suggested coming right over, and I insisted on meeting out for a drink first, obviously those people where comfortable being with me without even having met me. There is no one answer. This isn't difficult.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
LOL in fact there have been a couple of times I went to someone's house with the thought that we were getting together to have sex, and the guy wanted to play video games while I watched, or watch some TV show and I was actually a bit insulted and offended about all that. Like I did not drive an hour out into the boonies here to watch "Longmire" with you, guy. I really did not.
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Ha, I've heard this complaint from more than a few women over the years. I don't know, after having 1-2 drinks and the woman says "I'd like to see your place" it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what she is saying (in that moment, the vibe can always change). It's happened a couple of times where they've said something in that intervening moment socially/politically that I'm just like, nopes, change of plan, I'm out.
Last edited by timberline742; 10-08-2019 at 04:20 PM..
Its possible to be attracted to someone but not ready to have sex. With my (TW) date rape experience, I likely would have had sex with him in the next few dates. I just didnt want to on that first date. I wanted the romance to have a chance to build, I wanted him to court me a bit more, take me out to dinner etc. Not to say I wasnt attracted, but I never guessed he would do what he did. I think I also didnt report it because I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and doubted my own perception of the experience.
But if I hadnt invited him over, he wouldnt have had the opportunity, so I must accept some blame.
There is something I've said many, many times on the subject of rape, moongirl00, and it is also a matter of my own perspective from what happened to me.
There are two concepts. Responsibility, and blame. Blame lies on NO ONE BUT THE RAPIST, ever. Period. No "well if only I hadn't done this or that" talk can make you to blame. You're not liable. You did not do the thing. It is not your fault, you are not to blame.
The concept of responsibility allows us to learn from our experiences, and maybe improve odds of better outcomes in the future. Responsibility without blame. You cannot un-ring the bell, but if you feel safer not being alone with a man right away, or like me, until you're ready to have sex with him...then you make your choices with a sense of responsibility for yourself. I have never been drunk in my life, and one reason for that was a rape incident involving a high school acquaintance, where alcohol was involved (it's one of several reasons, including that I just don't like the flavor of alcohol anyhow.) I do not for one instant believe that girl was at fault, or to blame, for what happened to her. I know she wasn't. Yet I still feel that I'm taking some responsibility when I don't drink around people I don't trust...and honestly? I don't really trust ANYONE that much, to completely lower all of my defenses and inhibitions. Nope.
Making what seems like a responsible choice in your life, is good for your mental health, allows for personal growth and evolution. Taking blame or fault simply implies you deserve punishment, even the punishment of having been raped at all, which no one deserves. The first one is good, the second one is a horrible thing to do to yourself.
There is something I've said many, many times on the subject of rape, moongirl00, and it is also a matter of my own perspective from what happened to me.
There are two concepts. Responsibility, and blame. Blame lies on NO ONE BUT THE RAPIST, ever. Period. No "well if only I hadn't done this or that" talk can make you to blame. You're not liable. You did not do the thing. It is not your fault, you are not to blame.
The concept of responsibility allows us to learn from our experiences, and maybe improve odds of better outcomes in the future. Responsibility without blame. You cannot un-ring the bell, but if you feel safer not being alone with a man right away, or like me, until you're ready to have sex with him...then you make your choices with a sense of responsibility for yourself. I have never been drunk in my life, and one reason for that was a rape incident involving a high school acquaintance, where alcohol was involved (it's one of several reasons, including that I just don't like the flavor of alcohol anyhow.) I do not for one instant believe that girl was at fault, or to blame, for what happened to her. I know she wasn't. Yet I still feel that I'm taking some responsibility when I don't drink around people I don't trust...and honestly? I don't really trust ANYONE that much, to completely lower all of my defenses and inhibitions. Nope.
Making what seems like a responsible choice in your life, is good for your mental health, allows for personal growth and evolution. Taking blame or fault simply implies you deserve punishment, even the punishment of having been raped at all, which no one deserves. The first one is good, the second one is a horrible thing to do to yourself.
Thats a very important distinction. I was too trusting, yeah, but I didnt commit the crime. I could have done more to not put myself in a predicament though.
Thats why I made the thread. Ive been scared to try to date again, though at one time I was dating all the time and I miss that. It kind of sucks to not feel the same freedom of having people over and knowing we will just hang out. Things are different now, I need layers of protection and barriers I didnt used to think about that much.
So it is though. I think the thing about boundaries we talked about was a great point too. Some people respect boundaries, so watching for that, rather than small boundary violations, which will probably lead to bigger violations.
Just skimming through the thread I didn't really see a lot of posts about how long before being alone, as in hard numbers. I'm curious what women think here because as a man I rarely have to think about these sort of things. More often I'd be cautious if an area looked sketchy, but I've rarely feared for my safety on the same level that a woman might. I'm curious what women think here.
I definitely don't have an answer. I haven't had an issue being alone, with a stranger. All of my issues have actually come in public where someone isn't respecting my boundaries.
For example - the other day I was walking down the street - lost in my own thoughts. I vaguely heard some sort of greeting behind me and I kept walking.
A few minutes later, a guy walked up to me and was like "Good morning! You have a nice smile."
I continue walking, say thanks and was trying to hustle off. The guy decided to stroke my arm and further compliment me. I shook off his touch and crossed the street and he didn't follow me. But WTF was that right?
This is what happens to me.
One one one encounters, like a date, it is easier to get out of these situations, because there is more clarity on when they guy will make some sort of move.
Its possible to be attracted to someone but not ready to have sex. With my (TW) date rape experience, I likely would have had sex with him in the next few dates. I just didnt want to on that first date. I wanted the romance to have a chance to build, I wanted him to court me a bit more, take me out to dinner etc. Not to say I wasnt attracted, but I never guessed he would do what he did. I think I also didnt report it because I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and doubted my own perception of the experience.
But if I hadnt invited him over, he wouldnt have had the opportunity, so I must accept some blame.
You have zero blame. Full stop - he should have honored what you consented to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
No, you must not. If you said no, or were not in a state (drunk, etc) to give consent. You have no blame. None.
If you're carrying that mindset, please do get some professional help with that. You are not to blame, at all, just because you invited someone in.
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