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I am the 4th wife of my husband, and yes, he told me about his 3 previous marriages on the 1st date.
Why didn't I run the other way? Well, he was upfront about it, and took blame where he needed to. I knew that I, myself, was hoping I'd get another chance at love, and could use some forgiveness of my past mistakes, so I had it in me to do the same for him.
If he'd been the type to place all the blame on his previous wives, and not owned up to his part, it probably would've been a one and done date...but that's not how it played out.
I think I'd probably bit wary of a someone married 3 times prior, but like you said, he owned it and someone owning their crap is appealing to me at this stage of my life. I value intellectual honesty and that's pretty honest of him to own his side of where things failed.
Shows good judgment in my opinion when someone can be a bit humble and open themselves up to potential criticism.
My spouse's father died a few years ago at the ripe ol age of 90 and he never took any personal responsibility for the things he did wrong in life. It was always someone else's fault, he had a lot of flaws but was a smart guy overall. One day we looked up what the symptom of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and he had literally every trait listed. LOL, I know that's not a professional diagnosis, but man, it was just eerie how it fit him to a T.
My brother has been married 3 times. First time he got married too young (22) and was with her for 10 years. She was by far the best woman he was ever with. Second was a rebound marriage that lasted a year. Third is an unhappy one and they've been together 12 years this May. They stay together for my niece. I, on the other hand had trouble finding my 2nd wife. But thats because I'm more selective than my brother and also because of where I live. It sucks because he has a family and I don't think he ever cared one way or another, as sports is all he cares about. I wanted a family and don't have one.
My brother has been married 3 times. First time he got married too young (22) and was with her for 10 years. She was by far the best woman he was ever with. Second was a rebound marriage that lasted a year. Third is an unhappy one and they've been together 12 years this May. They stay together for my niece. I, on the other hand had trouble finding my 2nd wife. But thats because I'm more selective than my brother and also because of where I live. It sucks because he has a family and I don't think he ever cared one way or another, as sports is all he cares about. I wanted a family and don't have one.
Sorry to hear about not having a family. That's kind of rough. I have my spouse and we don't have kids but we've had our fur "kids" till just recently. I feel a bit of an empty nest thing kind of going after we had to put our last pet down.
Hope you meet yourself a great lady and get the whole bit, if that's what you're wanting.
True, but the other perspective is "gee, they failed at their first marriage - what's surprising then is that future marriages have ANY chance of lasting".
I think "failed at their first marriage" is presuming a lot. My cousin married a man she loved and who was a good husband to her. Some years later, he confessed to being gay. How did she fail there?
There are plenty of people who marry and then one person becomes violent later on. How did the victim fail there?
Trusting, loving people get sucked in by narcissists and sociopaths. How is that failing?
Sometimes people grow apart more than they realize as they are busy raising a family. When the kids move out they realize their marriage is over. I don't consider that failing, either.
Likewise, if you are married for 50 years and for 30 of those years you were miserable, how is that a success?
We are here for just one lifetime. We don't get a dollar for every shining tear, and there is no great big payout on our deathbeds for a lifetime of suffering when we are always free to leave situations that are harmful or simply unhappy. I am sure some priests and other religious people might disagree, but they are not in any shoes but their own.
I think "failed at their first marriage" is presuming a lot. My cousin married a man she loved and who was a good husband to her. Some years later, he confessed to being gay. How did she fail there?
My question here is, how could she not pick up on whether or not her future spouse was gay? Did she not date him long up until they married? Unless this changed later on in the marriage or was he always gay?
Some people like to be married. They like the "officialness" of marriage and the commitment it signifies. Plus, in the USA, it's necessary for Health Insurance etc in many states.
My question here is, how could she not pick up on whether or not her future spouse was gay? Did she not date him long up until they married? Unless this changed later on in the marriage or was he always gay?
If you think that all gay people are obviously gay or gay in some way that you would know if they didn't tell you, then you must not know a lot of gay people. A lot of them have no telltale mannerisms and many try to suppress it and be straight for significant portions of their lives. Often this is because of whatever religion or culture that they were raised in. I mean, we've got a guy around here who posts thread after thread asking if he is gay or bi or what, and talking about every specific instance of who and what aroused him, because due to his religious beliefs, he is seriously agonizing about it. He wants to just be straight, but can't deny his attraction to men. He is exactly the sort of person who gets married, creates a family, and decades later realizes that he can't spend the entirety of his life living a lie.
And your basic gay/straight orientation is far from the only thing that people sometimes try to suppress and deny, but eventually feel like they just can't anymore. I know a lawyer who is a secret cross dresser, among other things, and when he tried to come out to his born-again wife and his kids, who are at least grown now, his whole family told him that no one will accept this, he needs to shut up and stop being weird, and if he leaves Mom, then his kids will never talk to him again. More or less. What do you do, when it's a choice between spending your whole life feeling like you're pretending to be someone you're not, and cannot be the person you feel that you are, in some way...or you can be genuine and lose the love of your family...?
And we've seen threads here where a spouse came out as trans. The other spouse never knew. You wouldn't, necessarily. People can be very successful at hiding things about themselves, especially if they've constructed a lie in their heads that even they believe. I advise against it when I can, though, because eventually if/when the truth comes out, it can be so painful for relationships based on foundational falsehoods.
For me multiple marriages is a red flag because it indicates a person might not take the commitment seriously. Like it's just signing a paper and having a party, to them, but with little actual consideration of the weight of the commitment behind it.
Marriage isn't a fairy tale.
I doubt I ever will because I'm just too cautious and at the same time free spirited a person. I've been swept up in the absolute heights of infatuation and romance and still couldn't buck up the courage to make it "official." To make a lifelong commitment to a person. I can't fathom how some people do it again and again. Why not just live together? I guess for some religious people, living together isn't an option. But for the nonreligious, why not?
I guess if there are questions of inheritance, money, or making medical decisions for each other, that's one consideration for doing it. In those cases I guess I can see marriage being a practical, pragmatic decision. But if a person has made that decision before, then divorced, without any incidents of abuse causing the divorce, I would consider that an even bigger red flag than a person who married during infatuation, then divorced once they realized it was a rash decision made during infatuation.
In the case of marriage for practical reasons, then divorce would indicate the divorcee has a parasitic side to them, that person was interested more in what he or she could gain from the marriage, but didn't want to stick around to "pay back" (in the form of caretaking in old age or whatever), in a way that makes it equal and fair to both parties.
Ultimately marriage is rather transactional and often a business y arrangement. That's why courts and lawyers are involved in it.
I'd rather keep courts, lawyers, and government out of my love life, hence I'd only marry if dire circumstances require it.
I remember one time, my husband and I were talking to this man who was a neighbor of ours, out in the country. We hadn't seen him for a season, and he was telling us that his wife had died during heart surgery, 4 or 5 months ago, previous.
Through the course of conversation, it came out that he wasn't really doing well on his own. He and his wife had been together a good long time, and he was used to the hot meal everyday, his wife doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, etc. He mentioned that he had gotten a young lady to come over and clean for him, 2 or 3 days a week.
And then, somehow, the conversation shifted a little bit, and he mentioned he wouldn't mind finding a younger woman to be in a relationship with, but that so many younger women don't want to do the traditional roles in a relationship. (I had to inwardly roll my eyes at this point.)
Here's a 60 to 70 year old country boy, missing a tooth in front, hoping to find a 20 something lady who would eagerly jump into a marriage with him, to cook for him, clean for him, and keep him warm at night.
And I thought to myself "Old man, the only way YOU are going to find a 20 something young lady to marry you, is if she's mentally impaired."
It's not that he wasn't a nice enough guy, but he wasn't anyone a young woman would desire either.
I think if my husband were to die before me, I wouldn't be interested in another relationship. And if I WAS interested in a relationship, there'd be no marriage.
My upcoming marriage will be my second and hopefully my last. If we get divorced within the first 5 years, I maybe would marry again, depending on the trauma it caused me. If its after 20 years, I won't remarry, just die alone. She's younger, so I will die first and I'm sure she would remarry, maybe not right away, but eventually. Or maybe, like many women she'd be fine alone. Men seem to desire companionship more than women after a certain age.
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